ARRIVAL OF THE MUD MEN
by 
Seahorse
|
Posted: Thursday, October 30, 2003 Word Count: 1101 Summary: Er, something a little bit silly. But it's the only thing I've got to upload at the moment. Wondered what people thought. Please be brutal! |
ARRIVAL OF THE MUD MEN
FADE IN:
SCENE 1. EXT. VILLAGE - DAY
SWEEP OVER A SMALL, ISOLATED MOORLAND VILLAGE. IT IS PELTING DOWN WITH RAIN AND THE STREETS ARE EMPTY.
EXT. RIVER – DAY
A RIVER IS CLOSE TO BURSTING ITS BANKS.
EXT. STREET - DAY
DEREK, LATE FIFTIES, PANTS URGENTLY DOWN THE STREET THROUGH THE RAIN.
EXT/INT. PUB – DAY
DEREK REACHES THE VILLAGE PUB AND PUSHES THROUGH THE DOOR.
THE LANDLORD IS MOPPING UP. TWO REGULARS PERCH ON BAR STOOLS.
LANDLORD:
Eh up, it’s the leaking clock himself. Set our bloody watches by you we do, Derek.
DEREK:
Nothing stands in the way of my favourite lunchtime tipple. I’ll be here come hell or high water.
EXT. RIVER – DAY
THE RIVER IS ON THE VERGE OF OVERFLOWING. STRANGE BUBBLES ARE RISING TO ITS SURFACE.
INT. BUS SHELTER - DAY
A LITTLE OLD WOMAN SHELTERS FROM THE RAIN IN A BUS SHELTER. SHE IS AT ONE END OF A BENCH. AT THE OTHER IS A LARGE LITTER BIN. SHE SQUINTS TOWARDS THE LITTER BIN.
LITTLE OLD WOMAN:
Has the fifty-one gone yet? (PAUSE) I say, has the fifty-one gone yet? (PAUSE). You ignorant little bugger. You’re all the same these days. In my day we’d have brained you. Get off with you. Go on, shoo!
THE LITTLE OLD WOMAN JABS HER WALKING STICK AT THE LITTER BIN.
EXT. RIVER – DAY
WATER IS JUST BEGINNING TO SEEP OVER THE BANKS. THE BUBBLES ARE INCREASING AND STRANGE CURRENTS ARE FORMING.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
A LITTLE GIRL, PATSY-JANE, ABOUT EIGHT, SITS AT A TABLE FACING THE WINDOW. HER ARMS ARE FOLDED RESOLUTELY.
HER FATHER, MALCOLM, SITS OPPOSITE, WITH HIS BACK TO THE WINDOW.
MALCOLM:
(SHOUTING) You will go and do it this instant!
PATSY-JANE:
(WAILING) No!
MALCOLM:
You know what happens to little children who don’t go and feed their rabbits?
PATSY-JANE:
I’m not a kid, daddy. There’s no such thing as stupid monsters.
MALCOLM:
You’re heading for a lot of trouble if you don’t do what you’re told, young lady!
PATSY-JANE:
Shan’t won’t can’t. Shan’t won’t can’t. Shan’t won’t can’t.
MALCOLM:
If your mother was here she…
PATSY-JANE:
She’s not is she, cos you threw her out! I hate you I hate you I hate you!
MALCOLM SIGHS AND PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS.
EXT. RIVER – DAY
THE WATER BEGINS TRICKLING, THEN GUSHING OVER THE BANKS.
INT. BEDROOM - DAY
A YOUNG TEENAGE COUPLE – BARRY AND TAMMY – ARE ON A BED PULLING OFF THEIR CLOTHES. BARRY IS DOING SO FAR MORE EXCITEDLY THAN TAMMY.
BARRY LOOKS AT HIS WATCH.
BARRY:
We’d better be quick.
TAMMY:
(SIGHS) We probably will be.
EXT. RIVER – DAY
ONE POOL OF WATER WHICH HAS GUSHED OVER THE BANKS TRANSFORMS INTO A SEVEN-FOOT, HUMAN-SHAPED FIGURE – A COMPLETE MASS OF MUD WITH NO PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS WHATSOEVER.
ALL ALONG THE RIVERBANK, SIMILAR MUD MEN ARE TAKING SHAPE.
INT. PUB - DAY
THE MEN ARE DOWNING PINTS AND LAUGHING AT THE BAR.
DEREK GAZES OUT OF THE WINDOW.
DEREK:
I tell you what gents, I wouldn’t want to be out in the fields today.
EXT. FIELDS – DAY
THE MUD MEN ARE PLODDING SLOWLY THROUGH FLOODED FIELDS TOWARDS THE VILLAGE.
INT. BUS SHELTER – DAY
LITTLE OLD WOMAN:
I don’t know. Scruffy beggar.
EXT. LANE – DAY
A VAST ARMY OF MUD MEN ARE APPROACHING
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
MALCOLM:
Yes.
PATSY-JANE:
No.
MALCOLM:
Yes.
PATSY-JANE:
No.
MALCOLM:
Yes.
PATSY-JANE:
No.
INT. BEDROOM – DAY
BARRY IS ON TOP OF TAMMY UNDER THE COVERS.
BARRY:
Yes?
TAMMY:
No.
BARRY:
Yes?
TAMMY:
No.
BARRY:
Yes?
TAMMY:
No.
INT. PUB – DAY:
THE MEN ARE SIPPING AND SUPPING.
THE PUB DOOR STARTS TO CREAK OPEN SLOWLY.
THE MEN ALL TURN AND STARE. THEIR JAWS DROP.
LANDLORD:
(SHOUTING) Can’t you bloody read! I’ve just done that floor!
EXT. PUB – DAY:
CLOSE-UP ON A SIGN ON THE DOOR: “MUDDY FEET? PLEASE RETREAT”
TWO MUDMEN LOOK AT THE SIGN, TURN TO EACH OTHER, SHRUG AND CONTINUE PLODDING ON UP THE LANE.
INT. PUB – DAY:
LANDLORD:
We don’t need their sort round here.
DEREK:
Aye. They should piss off back to where they ruddy well came from.
INT. BUS SHELTER – DAY
THE LITTLE OLD WOMAN CONTINUES TO SIT IN THE BUS SHELTER.
MUD MEN ARE SITTING ALL AROUND HER.
LITTLE OLD WOMAN:
And that’s another thing these days. The price of wet fish has gone through the roof. In my day…
THE MUD MEN PUT THEIR HEADS IN THEIR HANDS. ONE MUD MAN GRABS THE LITTLE OLD LADY AND SUCKS HER INTO HIS BODY.
SECONDS LATER, HER FALSE TEETH BURP BACK OUT, THE ONLY SIGN.
EXT. RIVER/FIELDS – DAY
VAST ARMIES OF MUD MEN ARE NOW CONVERGING ON THE VILLAGE.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
MALCOLM:
Yes.
PATSY-JANE:
No.
MALCOLM:
Yes.
PATSY-JANE’S FACE GOES WHITE.
PATSY-JANE:
Yes.
MALCOLM LOOKS SHOCKED BUT PLEASED.
MALCOLM:
Good girl. That’ll keep the monsters happy won’t it.
MALCOLM GETS UP AND LEAVES THE ROOM. PATSY-JANE IS STILL ROOTED TO THE SPOT, STARING.
WE SEE THE OBJECT OF HER TERROR – A MUD MAN STANDING AT THE WINDOW.
THE MUD MAN LEVERS OPEN THE WINDOW, REACHES IN AND GRABS PATSY-JANE, PARALYSED WITH FEAR.
SHE IS SUCKED INTO OBLIVION.
INT. BEDROOM - DAY
NOW TAMMY IS ON TOP OF BARRY. SHE LOOKS BORED. HE HAS HIS EYES CLOSED, CONCENTRATING DESPERATELY.
FROM INSIDE, WE SEE A MUD MAN WALK STRAIGHT PAST THE WINDOW. SECONDS LATER THE MUD MAN BACK-TRACKS FOR ANOTHER LOOK.
TAMMY NOTICES THE MUD MAN.
TAMMY:
Oh… my… God!
CLOSE-UP ON BARRY’S FACE.
BARRY:
Yes! Yes! Oh baby! Yeah baby!
CLOSE-UP ON BARRY NOW LYING ON HIS SIDE WITH A LOOK OF TOTAL DELIGHT ON HIS FACE.
WE PAN AWAY FROM BARRY TO DISCOVER: A GREAT PATCH OF MUD ON THE BED WHERE TAMMY SHOULD BE LYING.
EXT. STREET – DAY (LATER)
THE SUN IS OUT. THE STREET IS COMPLETELY COVERED IN MUD. THERE IS NOBODY ABOUT.
EXT. PUB – DAY
DEREK AND THE TWO REGULARS STUMBLE OUT INTO THE LIGHT AND BLINK AROUND AT THE CARNAGE.
DEREK:
Right then lads, better get back in time for the carvery. The missus’ll be having a thrombo.
DEREK WEAVES A LITTLE DRUNKENLY DOWN THE STREET, AVOIDING THE PUDDLES.
THE OTHERS PLOD OFF IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION AS THE CAMERA RISES AND WE SEE THE WHOLE VILLAGE IS COVERED IN DRIED MUD.
EXT. RIVER – DAY
THE WATER LEVEL HAS SUBSIDED. THERE IS NO MORE FLOODING. THE RIVER TRICKLES, SHIMMERS AND GLINTS AS PEACEFULLY AS NORMAL.
FADE TO BROWN.
THE END
FADE IN:
SCENE 1. EXT. VILLAGE - DAY
SWEEP OVER A SMALL, ISOLATED MOORLAND VILLAGE. IT IS PELTING DOWN WITH RAIN AND THE STREETS ARE EMPTY.
EXT. RIVER – DAY
A RIVER IS CLOSE TO BURSTING ITS BANKS.
EXT. STREET - DAY
DEREK, LATE FIFTIES, PANTS URGENTLY DOWN THE STREET THROUGH THE RAIN.
EXT/INT. PUB – DAY
DEREK REACHES THE VILLAGE PUB AND PUSHES THROUGH THE DOOR.
THE LANDLORD IS MOPPING UP. TWO REGULARS PERCH ON BAR STOOLS.
LANDLORD:
Eh up, it’s the leaking clock himself. Set our bloody watches by you we do, Derek.
DEREK:
Nothing stands in the way of my favourite lunchtime tipple. I’ll be here come hell or high water.
EXT. RIVER – DAY
THE RIVER IS ON THE VERGE OF OVERFLOWING. STRANGE BUBBLES ARE RISING TO ITS SURFACE.
INT. BUS SHELTER - DAY
A LITTLE OLD WOMAN SHELTERS FROM THE RAIN IN A BUS SHELTER. SHE IS AT ONE END OF A BENCH. AT THE OTHER IS A LARGE LITTER BIN. SHE SQUINTS TOWARDS THE LITTER BIN.
LITTLE OLD WOMAN:
Has the fifty-one gone yet? (PAUSE) I say, has the fifty-one gone yet? (PAUSE). You ignorant little bugger. You’re all the same these days. In my day we’d have brained you. Get off with you. Go on, shoo!
THE LITTLE OLD WOMAN JABS HER WALKING STICK AT THE LITTER BIN.
EXT. RIVER – DAY
WATER IS JUST BEGINNING TO SEEP OVER THE BANKS. THE BUBBLES ARE INCREASING AND STRANGE CURRENTS ARE FORMING.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
A LITTLE GIRL, PATSY-JANE, ABOUT EIGHT, SITS AT A TABLE FACING THE WINDOW. HER ARMS ARE FOLDED RESOLUTELY.
HER FATHER, MALCOLM, SITS OPPOSITE, WITH HIS BACK TO THE WINDOW.
MALCOLM:
(SHOUTING) You will go and do it this instant!
PATSY-JANE:
(WAILING) No!
MALCOLM:
You know what happens to little children who don’t go and feed their rabbits?
PATSY-JANE:
I’m not a kid, daddy. There’s no such thing as stupid monsters.
MALCOLM:
You’re heading for a lot of trouble if you don’t do what you’re told, young lady!
PATSY-JANE:
Shan’t won’t can’t. Shan’t won’t can’t. Shan’t won’t can’t.
MALCOLM:
If your mother was here she…
PATSY-JANE:
She’s not is she, cos you threw her out! I hate you I hate you I hate you!
MALCOLM SIGHS AND PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS.
EXT. RIVER – DAY
THE WATER BEGINS TRICKLING, THEN GUSHING OVER THE BANKS.
INT. BEDROOM - DAY
A YOUNG TEENAGE COUPLE – BARRY AND TAMMY – ARE ON A BED PULLING OFF THEIR CLOTHES. BARRY IS DOING SO FAR MORE EXCITEDLY THAN TAMMY.
BARRY LOOKS AT HIS WATCH.
BARRY:
We’d better be quick.
TAMMY:
(SIGHS) We probably will be.
EXT. RIVER – DAY
ONE POOL OF WATER WHICH HAS GUSHED OVER THE BANKS TRANSFORMS INTO A SEVEN-FOOT, HUMAN-SHAPED FIGURE – A COMPLETE MASS OF MUD WITH NO PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS WHATSOEVER.
ALL ALONG THE RIVERBANK, SIMILAR MUD MEN ARE TAKING SHAPE.
INT. PUB - DAY
THE MEN ARE DOWNING PINTS AND LAUGHING AT THE BAR.
DEREK GAZES OUT OF THE WINDOW.
DEREK:
I tell you what gents, I wouldn’t want to be out in the fields today.
EXT. FIELDS – DAY
THE MUD MEN ARE PLODDING SLOWLY THROUGH FLOODED FIELDS TOWARDS THE VILLAGE.
INT. BUS SHELTER – DAY
LITTLE OLD WOMAN:
I don’t know. Scruffy beggar.
EXT. LANE – DAY
A VAST ARMY OF MUD MEN ARE APPROACHING
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
MALCOLM:
Yes.
PATSY-JANE:
No.
MALCOLM:
Yes.
PATSY-JANE:
No.
MALCOLM:
Yes.
PATSY-JANE:
No.
INT. BEDROOM – DAY
BARRY IS ON TOP OF TAMMY UNDER THE COVERS.
BARRY:
Yes?
TAMMY:
No.
BARRY:
Yes?
TAMMY:
No.
BARRY:
Yes?
TAMMY:
No.
INT. PUB – DAY:
THE MEN ARE SIPPING AND SUPPING.
THE PUB DOOR STARTS TO CREAK OPEN SLOWLY.
THE MEN ALL TURN AND STARE. THEIR JAWS DROP.
LANDLORD:
(SHOUTING) Can’t you bloody read! I’ve just done that floor!
EXT. PUB – DAY:
CLOSE-UP ON A SIGN ON THE DOOR: “MUDDY FEET? PLEASE RETREAT”
TWO MUDMEN LOOK AT THE SIGN, TURN TO EACH OTHER, SHRUG AND CONTINUE PLODDING ON UP THE LANE.
INT. PUB – DAY:
LANDLORD:
We don’t need their sort round here.
DEREK:
Aye. They should piss off back to where they ruddy well came from.
INT. BUS SHELTER – DAY
THE LITTLE OLD WOMAN CONTINUES TO SIT IN THE BUS SHELTER.
MUD MEN ARE SITTING ALL AROUND HER.
LITTLE OLD WOMAN:
And that’s another thing these days. The price of wet fish has gone through the roof. In my day…
THE MUD MEN PUT THEIR HEADS IN THEIR HANDS. ONE MUD MAN GRABS THE LITTLE OLD LADY AND SUCKS HER INTO HIS BODY.
SECONDS LATER, HER FALSE TEETH BURP BACK OUT, THE ONLY SIGN.
EXT. RIVER/FIELDS – DAY
VAST ARMIES OF MUD MEN ARE NOW CONVERGING ON THE VILLAGE.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
MALCOLM:
Yes.
PATSY-JANE:
No.
MALCOLM:
Yes.
PATSY-JANE’S FACE GOES WHITE.
PATSY-JANE:
Yes.
MALCOLM LOOKS SHOCKED BUT PLEASED.
MALCOLM:
Good girl. That’ll keep the monsters happy won’t it.
MALCOLM GETS UP AND LEAVES THE ROOM. PATSY-JANE IS STILL ROOTED TO THE SPOT, STARING.
WE SEE THE OBJECT OF HER TERROR – A MUD MAN STANDING AT THE WINDOW.
THE MUD MAN LEVERS OPEN THE WINDOW, REACHES IN AND GRABS PATSY-JANE, PARALYSED WITH FEAR.
SHE IS SUCKED INTO OBLIVION.
INT. BEDROOM - DAY
NOW TAMMY IS ON TOP OF BARRY. SHE LOOKS BORED. HE HAS HIS EYES CLOSED, CONCENTRATING DESPERATELY.
FROM INSIDE, WE SEE A MUD MAN WALK STRAIGHT PAST THE WINDOW. SECONDS LATER THE MUD MAN BACK-TRACKS FOR ANOTHER LOOK.
TAMMY NOTICES THE MUD MAN.
TAMMY:
Oh… my… God!
CLOSE-UP ON BARRY’S FACE.
BARRY:
Yes! Yes! Oh baby! Yeah baby!
CLOSE-UP ON BARRY NOW LYING ON HIS SIDE WITH A LOOK OF TOTAL DELIGHT ON HIS FACE.
WE PAN AWAY FROM BARRY TO DISCOVER: A GREAT PATCH OF MUD ON THE BED WHERE TAMMY SHOULD BE LYING.
EXT. STREET – DAY (LATER)
THE SUN IS OUT. THE STREET IS COMPLETELY COVERED IN MUD. THERE IS NOBODY ABOUT.
EXT. PUB – DAY
DEREK AND THE TWO REGULARS STUMBLE OUT INTO THE LIGHT AND BLINK AROUND AT THE CARNAGE.
DEREK:
Right then lads, better get back in time for the carvery. The missus’ll be having a thrombo.
DEREK WEAVES A LITTLE DRUNKENLY DOWN THE STREET, AVOIDING THE PUDDLES.
THE OTHERS PLOD OFF IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION AS THE CAMERA RISES AND WE SEE THE WHOLE VILLAGE IS COVERED IN DRIED MUD.
EXT. RIVER – DAY
THE WATER LEVEL HAS SUBSIDED. THERE IS NO MORE FLOODING. THE RIVER TRICKLES, SHIMMERS AND GLINTS AS PEACEFULLY AS NORMAL.
FADE TO BROWN.
THE END