News from the departed!
21 December 2006

We’re stuck on the M4 it’s pissing down with rain and something has stalled the traffic up ahead, so blackberry out to give you a quick update
The car is so ridiculously full I’m actually sat here with my knees bent to my chest and feet perched on the coffee box and a bag of casserole dishes, I’ve got cramp already and god knows how we’ll get to the south of France without me getting a dose of DVT. The boys for once aren’t arguing, they’re stuck on the middle seats with Mungo jammed between them and Scampi on the floor, looking most perturbed’¦ poor deprived lurcher! The cats are drugged up in the big dog crate near the back, we can hardly see them, but they’re together and have a litter tray so we’ll stop off at regular intervals to uncover them.
Today has been a horrendous emotional rollercoaster, Suzie and I had lunch at Poons, and then I passed Rickards who have a sale on, BARGAIN they were giving 75 % off their casserole dishes ( the big ones) ’“ so I have 4 bags too many in the car, you can never have too many casserole dishes huh unless of course you have to sit hunched up on top of them!!
Suze helped me load up the car this afternoon, - I felt like a traitor, I was so sad to be leaving her, but also so excited about this adventure ’“ we sobbed lots, hugged lots, and made lots of promises to each other, and then sobbed again, this is the hardest thing about the adventure’¦ the goodbyes, but especially the goodbye to Suze.

Picked boys up from school ’“ more goodbyes, more looks of disbelief, several promises to keep in touch, and several disapproving looks, mainly from ’œTits out’ and ’œClipboard’ ’“ of course, they’d not dream in a million years of taking their children from their comfortable Middle England school for an adventure in the South of France, they wouldn’t do it in term time, let alone for life. But Clipboard can keep her organisation of the school fete, her demands for sweetie jars, her endless lists and databases that highlight which parents are playing the biggest role on the PTA and will inevitably get that exclusive invite to the ’œPrivate PTA’ Christmas doo where they’ll have one glass of wine, and nothing too spicy’¦ she can keep her brand new people carrier, filled daily with bags from M & S and John Lewis. As for ’œTits out’ I’m sure that child will be eleven before it’s weaned ’“ talk about cutting the cord, but there’s something completely perverse about a woman who breast feeds a child of 5, whilst wearing excessive amounts of make up, trying to prove something to the world perhaps’¦ god I daren’t think what they’re saying about me around the table at the Private PTA doo tonight.

The boys wanted to go to the disco ’“ Paul came home from work around 4ish, and then took them down, I just wanted to spend some time with Suze’¦ too many genuinely hard goodbyes.
We started to leave Suzies at 6.30 this was the hardest goodbye of course, what kind of mother leaves her daughter behind? I’ve asked her to come repeatedly over the last 6 months, but she has a life of her own and loves her flat, her job, her friends’¦ not really ideal to live in rural France, 40 minutes from any kind of night life. We didn’t say anything, just cuddled, and cried ’“ I couldn’t talk, other than to tell her I love her ’“ I was hugging her and unable to let go ’“ it completely broke my heart, we’ve always been there for each other, it was always ’œus’ and I’ve just left that bond behind ’“ I had the biggest lump in my throat ’“ she turned to me and said ’œ Fuck off mum’ and we cried some more.

By 7 we were finally loaded, cats and dogs accounted for, we got to the disco ( church hall job dahling) and Paul went out to bundle them into the car’¦ so much for a quiet get away, everyone but everyone came out, and passed cakes, biscuits, sweets, drinks and beautifully wrapped prezzies through the window, I was choked up and couldn’t talk. Elliot was excited and waving furiously at his fans, but Oliver had a heavy heart, and whilst he waved and put on a brave face for the crowds, he was crying inside’¦ I felt such guilt, ripping him away from his life, his social network, his football buddies’¦ we opened the tin of biscuits and I passed them back.


They’re now sitting watching Chitty Chitty bang bang in the back, they’re both quiet, bit reflective, won’t be long before Elliot’s asleep. We’re due at Siti’s for 10pm, and then our shuttle leaves at 7 ’“ so will write from there.
Love you x

Thursday 21st December Vivre la France!
We’re on the shuttle, god what a night ’“ we arrived to Siti’s bless her at 10,30 she’d cleared out a whole room and put down mattresses for us all ’“ she’d got a Malay take out which bless her, had gone cold and dry. We bundled out of the car ’“ popped the boys on the mattresses, put the dogs in the back garden, and decided in our wisdom to leave the cats in the car and let them have the run of it’¦
I felt so guilty, Siti and Graham had gone to so much trouble to prepare everything, and there was us ’“ hitching up, eating their food, pooing in their garden ( the dogs that is), and crashing for just a few hours we aimed to leave theirs for 4.30 am and so told them not to get up’¦ next morning’¦Paul went out to the car to put the cats away’¦ the drugs had loosened their bowels, Tigger had crapped in the drivers footwell, and Saffron fortunately in his litter tray, Tuppence was trying to break out ( no wonder, the smell was unbearable) 2 kitchen rolls, and some disinfectant spray ( stolen from under the sink) later and Siti and Graham emerged’¦ as we were leaving a trail of carnage behind us, Siti ran out of the house’¦ ’œSurprise!’’¦ shit’¦ she’d bought Christmas prezzies’¦ big parcels, every shape and colour deliciously wrapped, some for us and some to give to Stef when we saw her’¦
So as I type, we’ve eaten more biscuits and I have a load of now opened prezzies scattered in the back of the car.
We’re going to drive all day today, so don’t know when I’ll be able to mail you, will probably be tomorrow.
Love you xx

MacDonald’s is the same the world over’¦ or is it?
So we’re south of Le Mans ’“ Watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang .. again! Correction ’“ they’re watching, I’m listening!
The sun is shining, in fact, just as we got off the shuttle and started our drive down, we enjoyed the most amazing hazy sunrise! Dawn of a new life and all that’¦ least it wasn’t raining!
The boys have gone to the loo so I have 2 minutes to send an update. We had MacDonald’s for lunch ( bout 2 hours ago), thought a drive through would be sensible as we could carry on the journey without too much delay, there was me thinking that they were set up for speed and efficiency, the French have a different approach to drive throughs’ here it seems, 30 minutes after we first joined the queue, we were still sitting in the waiting bay for a Chicken Mythic meal with Deluxe potatoes ’“ (not had those before). then Elliot ( bless him) dropped his chips on the floor, screams of dismay, but delight from Mungo as he scurried around the back hovering them up ’“ terrier through and through, think he picked up everyone of them, he also uncovered the DVD wallet so I’m hoping for a change in movie some time soon! We’ve managed to eat an entire box of biscuits too, the boys are caked in melted chocolate in the back. As co driver, I’m in charge of navigation as we’ve decided the Sat nav was taking us the wrong way, In car entertainment, and of course’¦ refreshments. Will take over driving next as I fear the DVT will set in soon in this position!

MacDonald’s again’¦
We’ve just had another Macdonalds feeling a bit Macdonalsed out now actually we continue to drive ’“ Pauls taken over at the helm again. We’re late’¦ but we’re in France so who cares’¦ Had a phone call from the estate agent to find out what time we’ll be there, I said 5 - 6pm, but we’ll be there more like 8i sh’¦ apparently the owners are there and have lit a fire to warm the house up for us. Thank goodness Paul met up with the removal men and sorted the beds and furniture out, at least we’ll be able to dump the boys upstairs when we arrive.
Will email in the morning.

8 am ’“ Friday 22nd December

Well ’“ I promised I’d email’¦
We finally arrived at 8.20, the last 2 hours were dire, we were both exhausted from driving, the boys crashed in the back of the car, and the final part of the drive we could actually listen to OUR stuff, we started with the freebie CD’s we’d got from the Daily Mail to help us but we’re too knackered to concentrate, then we started on KT Tunstall ’“ drove me to tears as Suzies favourite song came on.
We hit Bordeaux at rush hour ’“ not advised, took us 3 hours to get through and several cockups on their road system, it was dark and we managed to carve up a few well meaning French motorists who wished us a good day!

The fog was thick as we came down through Mont de Marsan’¦ really really thick, and the driving was tough going like driving through soup, it was virtually impossible to see the road, and there were no road lights or cats eyes, still, we had crazy French drivers overtaking us! We finally reached the house to be greeted by a very tired Mr and Mrs Le Cave. We managed a few bonjours, a merci, they explained some other stuff about the house which we didn’t understand. Bless them despite being in their 80’s they had set the fire in the gite and made soup which was on the log burning oven in the old kitchen ( bit like an aga ’“ can’t wait to use it). We carried the boys ( still wearing clothes) up to bed, then went to the car to get the dogs, Mungo came in and peed on the kitchen door. The Le Caves made their excuses quickly and then we were alone’¦ There was already ice on the ground, and god it was cold. We think the last time the house was used was back in the 80s, so over 20 years without an inhabitant, or a fire infact and the walls were cold ’“ well the whole house was bloody freezing.

The Le Caves had left some logs in the cottage, and 2 bottles of wine, so we stocked up the fire, ( open fire’¦ never had one of those before) and sat down to eat our soup and drink our wine. For a few moments, it felt slightly romantic’¦ the wine was good must find out where they got it from, but to be honest, last night, any wine would have been good!
Then we were left with this dilemma’¦ we couldn’t leave the fire and go up to bed cause it may catch the house on fire, but we also couldn’t put it out as we’d all freeze to death in our sleep’¦ so Paul and I decided that we’d sleep in front of the fire.

The flames were soon dowsed on the whole romantic fire idea’¦ I got to sleep on the sofa, with my clothes, socks and coat still on’¦ and my hat and the double duvet rolled around me. Paul ( bless him) ended up on the pull down single bed with one of the boys sleeping bags that only came up to his waist and the throw taken off of the sofa. And we watched’¦ and watched’¦ and watched the fire for what seemed like all night, though I’m sure I got a bit of sleep at some point. I don’t know if the wood was either too wet or too dry but it cracked and spat through the night, and at one point spat an ember into Paul’s shoe which made us both jump out of bed to extinguish it.
We managed to keep the fire going until morning ’“ but the house is just NOT warm ’“ and we need to sort something out ’“ as with just one fire to keep the whole house warming we’ll never thaw out!


So’¦ this morning we were up at 6 ready to start our new lives as camel farmers ’“ not I have to add because we chose to get up at 6, but we needed to put more wood on the fire I’ve not washed, it’s too cold to wash’¦ everything also takes so long here, even making a cup of tea on our stupid one ring electric hob takes forever, can’t wait to unearth the kettle!!
.
Am going to cook lunch on the wood burning stove later!!
At 4 we have a meeting with the headmaster of the school ’“ Monsieur Granville or something, will let you know how that goes
Also need to find some smoke alarms and have a sneaky suspicion that the boiler has a fault as I had a terrible headache this morning and every time we try to run the hot water it makes a huge yellow flame.
Will go out for a stroll now to find some signal to send this email to you I’ll try to email you later

Friday 22ndrd 8pm ’“ Lecroix dahling ’“ it’s Lecroix
God what a day!
We set out early this morning in search of a supermarket, it seems that the closest one is 20 minutes away in Mauborguet, bought a load of shopping and stuff for Christmas ’“ got lamb as Paul hates Turkey.

Also ’“ after hours of searching, we found a Christmas tree’¦ gone are the days of taking Paul up to Yatton to stand for hours in the tree shop holding every bloody tree up until he got one with a good shape, after two failed attempts at finding a shop that had anything that even resembled a Christmas tree I stayed with the boys in the car and sent Paul into the third shop we tried, and told him to get anything... so long as it looked green and Christmassy’¦ but to try to avoid a rubber plant ( as he’d onced tried to persuade me his rubber plant would be a particularly fetching Christmas tree and there was no need to throw good money away when he had a great 6 foot rubber plant in the lounge)

He came out with a miniature tree, stuck on the coffee table in the corner it’s still shorter than me, wont’ get many decorations on it, plan to do it tonight!

Got home in time for the wood delivery that the Estate Agent ordered ( THANK GOD) as we’d have never managed to do it ourselves’¦

So Monsieur Lecroix is the woodman an old guy with no teeth, little hair and a fetching 80’s jumper, one of those with the multicoloured diamond shapes on the front! He arrived with his knackered old tractor and a big trailer full of 5 cubic meters of wood. Paul let him through the front gate and showed him down to the wood shed, Monsieur Lecroix reversed his tractor and then went to tip up the trailer bit, but somehow the tipper bit got stuck and Paul and Monsieur Lecroix then spent 40 minutes rolling the logs off the back!

So with the pile of wood on the floor in the front garden, Paul then invited Monsieur Lecroix, and another man who rocked up in the front garden in for a cafΓ©’¦ here’s the picture, 2 old French blokes with not a word of English between them stood in our front room talking at us in what could have been tongues’¦ we didn’t have a fucking clue! There were long periods of stony silences with none of us being able to communicate. The French guys started talking between themselves and left after a healthy 20 minutes, I





had the feeling they’d gone back outside to put the wood away, and so I went down to the end kitchen to light the oven in the old house, it’s really spooky down there, has a cold atmosphere, most probably the damp and years of neglect, finally got the oven lit and shoved some chicken filets in there and jacket potatoes to cook and went outside, only to discover that wood men don’t seem to put wood away in France’¦ they just deliver it’¦ so Paul and I spent a good hour on the wood pile, making a small dent in the heap, but I fear it could take us days to put away baaa

Hey I also found the Christmas box!! Horrah, so grabbed some mantle piece things out and put them up above the old wood burning oven in the old kitchen ( thought it would make the place a bit more festive) Got yet another funny feeling - feels as though someone is watching me every time I’m in there!

Anyway ’“ back to the chicken filets, they went in at 11, and I was kind of anticipating an hour would cook them through and I’d serve them with some tinned veg ( cooked in their tins on top of the cooker A ’“ because I can’t find my Saucepans,and B - because it will save the washing up!’¦ by 4pm I had lit the fucking fire 6 times and they were just about done, the boys were starving ( Paul and I were too) we were also cold to the bone’¦

So we chucked dinner down our necks as we had a 4.30 rendezvous with Monsieur Greinier up at the school.
WHAT a lovely school, the first thing that struck me was it’s warmth’¦ not the welcoming warmth one would expect from a local village school, just the fact that it is warm’¦ so warm, I could have curled up on the desk and slept there for the night, it’s really quaint and old fashioned, with a bell tower, cute little shutters on all the windows, some kind of covered play area and the children all ran up to greet us ( bit intimidating especially for the boys)
Monsieur Grenier was a decent enough guy ( early 40’s) and gave us all the relevant forms to fill out, explained in VERY slow French, and then resorted to English, what the boys needed for school and mentioned that they have to have TB jabs’¦ this should be interesting, he’s sent us up to the doctors, we need to be there first thing in the morning ( it’s an open surgery at 9am) apparently the jab isn’t too good and they may scream a bit!

The cold is REALLY cold, impacted further by the fact it takes fucking ages to light a fire warm enough to sit beside, and when it’s finally lit, you don’t want to move away from it, the tiredness set in tonight too, tired from the journey, tired from this unfamiliar world and equally unfamiliar language, tired from my inability to light a fire, and tired of the idea of being a camel farmer. HUNGER too’¦ a late lunch kind of buggered us up, and not having a spar round the corner doesn’t help, sitting here desperately in need of a chocolate fix, and knowing that if we want chocolate it’s a 2 Β½ hour round trip doesn’t help, will have to get myself more organised and get a weeks supply of chocolate in on the next visit to the shops.

The boys are tired too ’“ and cold’¦ the water is definitely not working properly, and the toxic fumes from the boiler don’t help, and so I keep nagging Paul to turn it off, this though, then means we have to manually light it every time we need hot water’¦ not the easiest of tasks’¦ I really don’t want us all to die in our beds though, not for the sake of being clean’¦
Hey ho ’“ tomorrows another day and all that’¦

Tomorrow we’re off in search of Christmas prezzies straight after the Doctor!


Saturday 23rd December

I’m in the car’¦ outside of reality!! TOYS R US in Toulouse it’s kind of a one stop shop affair this Christmas’¦ what we can’t get in Toys R Us, they won’t have, it’s absolutely heaving and we’ve taken it in shifts to go in and get stuff whilst the other one of us waits in the car with the boys. The sun is shining, the boys are in one hell of a strop with us and both wish they’d never moved here.

We got to the doctors at 9am, they were supposed to open then, we walked into this kind of waiting area, noone was there, it’s kind of one of those old fashioned surgeries where you literally rock up, there’s not even a receptionist. We waited round for a while and then a few more people turned up followed by this old man with long Einstein hair, the Doctor. Einstein it seems has been trying to learn English along with the blokie who owns the pharmacy next door, though to be honest, he wasn’t too keen to use his English at all on us. We explained we needed these jabs. Apparently, before he gives the jabs, he has to inject a bit of TB under their skin to see if they react’¦ the entire village are now completely aware that we have arrived.

The doctor started off with Elliot, who was protesting, first he wanted his coat and 3 jumpers off, down to a T shirt, Einstein then literally grabbed hold of his arm ( Elliot kicking and screaming by this time) Paul grabbed hold of Elliots upper body and I grabbed his feet, crying with him, this was barbaric but what else could we do.
The needle was pulled out and Elliot screamed more’¦ ’œNot Oliver’¦ don’t let them do this to you’¦ run Oliver’¦ run’¦’

Like a young greyhound, Oliver was to the door, and flung it open, Paul in hot persuit, trying his best to reason, Elliot sobbing in my arms, ’œDon’t let them do that again, promise me’¦ run Oliver it hurts’¦ run’

Oliver had cleared the waiting hall, dashed out the front door and got as far as the village square screaming at the top of his voice, Einstein sat with a wry smile on his face, I was devastated, the boys would never be able to trust us with anything ever again, Paul was still outside reasoning with Oliver, bribes of toys and Christmas goodies, he got Oliver as far as the consulting room door and Einstein ( now hiding behind the door) lunged straight at him, pinned him down and did the deed. Oliver was cross, very cross that he’d been tricked into having this jab in the first place, and his pride was so hurt he’d not seen the doctor hiding.

We were then handed this paper and told to go to the pharmacy. We all walked out in silence, Elliot in my arms in front, Oliver refusing to even acknowledge our existence a few paces ahead, and Paul behind. We passed the waiting hall’¦ 10 eyes were on us now’¦ les Anglais with the screaming kids. One of the ladies was young, sitting with a young child ’“ thought I recognised her, but didn’t work out until afterwards, I think it’s the helper lady at the boys school.

So ’“ into the pharmacy’¦ he was a sweetie ’“ empathised with the screaming he’d witnessed and explained to Oliver that Eleanore is his little girl, same age as Oliver and they’ll more than likely be in the same class together ’“ not comforting to Oliver to know he’d have a girl in his class, but comforting for us to be able to speak to someone without the use of a dictionary as he spoke English throughout the entire interaction, we asked him if he knows of anywhere we can get basic French classes’¦ he’ll ask around. He gave us the prescription and told us to keep it in our fridge, and bring it with us to the doctor next week, we still don’t really understand, but popped home and dropped it into the house before the drive up to Toulouse.

So ’“ now we’re in Toulouse ’“ it’s about a 2 hour drive from our place, Mcdonalds for lunch I think! Then we’re off down to the Ariege to catch up with Stef who has one of my suitcases at her house full of Christmas goodies I bought down on my last rekkie flight. Paul has some kind of plan to do with a wood burner which means we won’t have an open fire, this may actually mean we sleep at night! It’s the last shopping day before Christmas too so I have to get a few bits and pieces.


Anyone for sleep?
Sunday 24th

I need to sleep, actually, I want to come home, I secretly wish to be back in Clevedon, with our central heating, our hot water, our stuff around us, a big tree, a cooker that cooks and all things familiar. I would even like to talk PTA stuff with ’œclipboard’ in the playground! If this was England, I’d be getting ready for some neighbours party today’¦ I really think we’ve made a huge mistake. It’s cold, really really really cold, we’ve not slept in nights, we’re all hungry and quite frankly all fed up, the Toulouse trip went well, we managed to get a trampoline, a bike a woodburning stove, various stocking fillers and a suitcase left at Stefs in the back of the car.
I got clean at least, Stef let me use her shower ’“ she must have smelt me coming’¦ it’s been days since I had a proper wash, and I felt so good for it too! Stef fed us pork and yummy stuff and then we left at 6ish’¦ for the drive to hell’¦ sorry home.

It doesn’t feel like home

I think it’s mainly because everything takes ages, I still can’t find the kettle, so we’re boiling water either on the stupid log burning oven, or on the electric ring, a cup of coffee takes about 20 minutes. Cooking food takes a life time, getting the heating on takes forever ( the fire sorry) and even when it’s on, its cold ’“ oh so cold.

So’¦ Paul has bought this insert thingey, apparently we put it in the fire place, and light a fire in the insert, then we close the door and the fire heats the whole house up’¦good eh’¦ it’s still in the car as we got home too late last night ’“ was about 11.20 and drove through the thickest fog ever to get here, when we finally reached home there was over an inch of ice along the front of the car, it was amazing ’“ never seen fog or ice like it. Course, we got home to a freezing house, lifted the boys up to bed in their clothes, and as it was so cold and so late and we couldn’t’ be bothered to light a fire, we went up and slept with the boys ’“ best nights sleep we’ve had here, 4 of us in a small double bed, all with all our clothes on’¦ we were nearly warm. Scampi joined us half way through the night, obviously too cold for her too!

This morning though was a completely different story, we all lay in bed wondering if we should even bother getting up’¦ it had almost reached an acceptable temperature, we were all warm and toasty under the 4 sleeping bags, 3 extra thick duvets and 2 throws from the sofa!

Elliot needed a wee’¦ he still doesn’t want to go downstairs by himself, just in case the monster comes to get him, and so I got up too and put the saucepan on whilst I was there’¦ we had the most amazing ice this morning, icicles everywhere, and one of those thick white haw frosts on the ground, you know the type that makes the grass crack under your feet, it was fantastic.

Today we’ll have an assembly day, putting together all the stuff we’ve got for Christmas, wrapping stuff, putting the fire in, and more importantly, putting those darn logs away
Paul also managed to get some smoke and carbon monoxide alarms so we’ll get those up and running today and see what happens with the boiler. I’m actually wondering if it’s a psychological thing with me, the fact that its’ just so cold, I don’t want to wash, and therefore I’m feigning a headache so I cant!!

I’m also going to do a practise roast dinner with some pork chops and see if I can get the oven to light and cook at a reasonable temperature!! HO HO
Went to the bank to sort out opening an account ’“ have a rendezvous for next week ’“ it seems you can’t just pop in on the spur of the moment and get the relevant forms!

Sunday 24th 7pm

Anyone with a forklift?

Paul is currently assembling the trampoline outside in the dark ’“ I’m in a bit of a piss with him’¦ but guess what ’“ we’re now a little warmer’¦

We managed to have lunch today at 5pm, I put the oven on at 10, and again at 12, again about 1, and again at 3 ’“ it keeps blowing out and I keep forgetting it ’“ what a complete faff though, to have to tend to it every 10 minutes and fill it up ’“ lighting it is a challenge in itself ’“ fortunately the Le Caves left some newspaper and there’s loads of kindling in the wood, but it still takes forever and a day to do’¦ despite what Stef says, I will not be keeping this oven’¦get me an electric one now!! Get me an oven where I can set the timer to go off at a preset time and know the meal will be cooked’¦ Get me an oven that turns on at the touch of the button, get me an oven that will cook to a temperature you set’¦ get me my old home with the central heating, the lights that switch on and the running water’¦ hot and cold’¦ Get me my old life back ’“ this one just won’t do!

The good news is that I’ve found the BBQ bits, and so tomorrow, if we can’t get lunch at a reasonable hour, it’s Barbequed lamb for Christmas dinner

We got loads done today though ’“ it’s been a real day of sorting, first we started off on that darned woodpile ’“ the great thing was that the exercise warmed us up and got us going for the day, the river had frozen over, I don’t know how cold it’s been exactly, but it wasn’t until mid day that you could see it starting to melt. We’ve managed to do more than half of the wood pile now, I’m guessing it may end up being a Christmas day activity!

I sorted out the smoke and carbon monoxide alarms and then Paul put the hot water tank on again, we left the alarms nailed to the ceiling in the hopes that all would be good’¦ but whilst we were working on round 2 of wood gathering, Scampi came running out of the house ’“ one of the alarms was going off. The boys came running out screaming FIRE’¦ Paul ran in to see flames lapping out of the back of the boiler and up the wall’¦ so the alarm worked, the boiler didn’t, and so it will stay off unless we desperately need it ’“ we cannot get a plumber now until next week ’“ so the saucepan it is - unless we can find the kettle!!

The boys had a more enjoyable day today, getting to know their surroundings, playing in the woods, tracking wild animals and generally being FREE ’“ it was cold, but a fun day, and lovely at last to not be driving round like headless chickens everywhere listening to
Chitty chitty bang bang again!!

Mid afternoon, when it was apparent that we’d be unable to eat lunch much before 3, we decided to get the fire in from the car, alarm bells started ringing when Paul explained he was worried’¦ they’d put this thing on to the back of the car with a fork lift truck’¦ it was a huge cast iron insert, and impossible for us to lift together’¦ so we got a bunch of logs and different planks we found in the barn, first we had to manoeuvre it over the lip of the boot of the car, and we did this by levering each side and shoving a plank of wood under it, then once on the edge of the car we tried lifting it, thought this would be easier as we wouldn’t be on an angle’¦ no such luck ’“ so either the insert stayed in the car until we could find assistance after Christmas, or we battled through.

We reversed the car right up to the front door, and set up a pile of planks at the back of the car using the soft plastic lip of the car boot to roll the insert over, seemed like a great idea at the time, but we managed to bugger up the plastic bit and pull it out of it’s sockets, We heaved the insert down onto the planks and then Paul tipped the insert backwards and forwards whilst I painstakingly pulled one plank away at a time ’“ bit like Kenzo for adults! We continued rocking this thing backwards and forwards until it was the same height as the logs we were now going to roll it onto.

Now I’m sure that when I studied Stonehenge, they had bloody great stones that they rolled on bloody great logs, what I didn’t appreciate, but do now, is the fact that these logs would have been smoothed over and any sign of a branch sanded down’¦ cause I’ll tell you now, if they didn’t have completely round sanded logs they’˜d have never have moved those bloody stones!

The whole log exercise was a complete waste of time and so we decided to shuffle it across the floor using cardboard pieces jammed and then rejammed underneath the cast iron feet. We finally got this thing to the fire place, but then hit our next snag, lifting it up onto the raised fire place’¦( this comes up to my knees)’¦ so again, painstakingly, plank by plank we tilted it backwards and forwards and each time, increased it’s height by a planks depth until it came in line with the edge of the shelf. I looked at Paul’¦
’œDid you measure it darling’
He mentioned that whilst he thought it may be a bit big, it wouldn’t matter as the top bit would go straight up the chimney and yes, whilst it was probably about 7cms too tall, we could over come this by tilting it in backwards.

He just hadn’t accounted for how heavy it would be and the fact that a tilt may be just impossible!

JOY

In the meantime the oven had gone out again’¦

3 hours after we’d started this exercise ’“ and the insert was in place ’“ am a bit worried about the directions on it, don’t think we’ve fitted it properly, however, it’s
there, this means we can have a fire tonight and go to bed, and possibly come down to find a fire raging in the morning too - how cool is that!!! Christmas with a fire!!

Paul also managed to put a load of insulation up in the roof which should help keep in the heat. Prezzies are all wrapped, the lounge is warm and so we’re going to sit down with a DVD and the boys and have a glass of wine. Can’t help worrying about Suze ’“ it’s our first Christmas apart, I left her a box at the end of the bed in the spare bedroom, marked ’œSarah and Paul storage’ and will text her from Father Christmas at midnight with instructions for her to open it I soo wish I could be there with her!!

Sunday 24th 9.30
Is bit pist, and bit wramer too and hopping you get lits in yuor stocking
Merru Christnas ’“ love you


Monday 25th
MERRY CHRISTMAS
WOW what a mad day ’“ got up early ’“ boys ensured that! Fortunately Father Christmas had put our stuff right next to our bed so we didn’t have to get out of bed to open them, Paul went down to put the saucepan on for tea and coffee, but with the boys keen to play with their Father Christmas prezzies, and keen to open more downstairs we decided to get up. ’“ the fire had gone out, but it was slightly warmer ’“ well at least I convinced myself it was ’“ so we had a mad scurry round to relight the new insert, and then off to the end kitchen to light the stupid cooker ( 8am)’¦ now definitely, there’s something going on in that end kitchen, I walked in, and without a second thought, said ’œBon Noel Monsieur’, I really shocked myself by doing that, and I turned around ’“ I was completely convinced someone was there, I wasn’t scared’¦ it just felt like this person was watching what I was doing. ’“ perhaps it’s the lack of sleep AND the lack of chocolate’¦

It’s been a beautifully sunny day ’“ and lunch was served in the garden at 11am’¦ don’t go there’¦ just don’t go there ’“ I was not going to go without a Christmas lunch, so started early, but there’s no bloody thermostat on it, no way to turn it down, and so when I checked it at 11 it was a mad panic rush to set the table and sit down to eat’¦ it was kind of good actually, as it gave us the rest of the day to spend together, opening prezzies, walks in the woods and simply having lots of fun together.

The trampoline went down a storm, Elliot was delighted, however, we have to take yet another trip to Toulouse tomorrow as Olivers bike is too big so we need to exchange it’¦ have persuaded Paul we need to go to Ikea too!!!

Pauls mother had the good sense to knit the boys some jumpers’¦ sadly a 1970’s pattern, and she does something strange with the necks which means when we pull them off, ears usually follow’¦ closely followed by screams, but hey, they need the warmth, and they’re clean - we’re aiming to get the washing machine sorted sometime before Paul has to go back to England so at least we can get clean clothes for the boys sorted before they’re back to school.
The afternoon gathered momentum on the trampoline, helped by a little too much festive fizz and by late afternoon, we had another family log gathering session, the dent in the log pile is getting smaller, but it’s still there’¦ we’ll have to move them tomorrow as we need to start making preparations for the arrival of the camels!

It’s bed time, we stink again, but I’m not taking my clothes off ’“ the temperature here drops rapidly as soon as the sun goes down, so we’ve gone from outside eating to freezing our tit’s off in no time at all’¦ it’s far to cold to put the shower on, hoping that tomorrow before Toulouse, we can call someone to come and help fix the problem.

Will be sleeping with boys again tonight, there’s a spare single bed in their bedroom, Paul may take to that as he’s not too fond of sharing with the boys, though they make excellent hot water bottles ’“ hey at least if he’s in the same room, he’ll be able to emit some body heat to try to keep us warm!

Strange reflections on the ghost though, even this afternoon, in the broad light of day’¦ it felt strange ’“ there’s someone here watching our every move, don’t know if they speak English ’“ wonder what they must think about us moving in’¦ will be a bit odd for them next week when the camels arrive!!

Also starting to wonder if we have mice, something has definitely been scurrying in the roof amongst Pauls newly laid insulation ’“ the scurries go on through the night and into the early hours, they’re also coming through the wall too’¦ must investigate this!


TUESDAY 26th


Today we went to IKEA pronounced eekea here it seems!
First stop in Toulouse was Toys R us, where we managed to exchange Olivers new bike ’“ (the one we bought on Christmas eve’¦) now’¦ exchanging a bike that was bought just 2 days ago, should be a simple procedure’¦ but no, first you have to find someone to serve you, then in our awful French, we have to explain it’s tres grand, so that takes time, then we had to explain that we bought that particular model, because that was the recommendation from the assistant, who clearly didn’t know what she was doing’¦ having justified our purchasing decision we then had to take our till receipt to the returns area and fill out a form’¦

The returns area was busy’¦ as you’d expect, so 30 minutes later, we have a carbon copy of the form we’ve filled out, we’re then instructed to go to the till, we were thinking at this point that the lady in the till would magic up the proper sized bicycle’¦ oh how wrong could you be, she simply refunded our card.

We then had to leave the store and go back into the front entrance, and start the entire transaction all over again’¦ 1 hour 20 minutes later, we walked out with a very happy boy who had 2 very irate parents and a pissed off brother!

Off then to Eekea’¦ what an experience ’“ it was lunch time when we arrived, interesting to see that all signs are in French and English ( quite bizarre ’“ you’d never expect them to be anything but English in England). I would have never in my entire life expected lunchtime at Ikea to be so utterly contrived’¦ the French don’t just go in to throw the meatballs, chips and cranberry sauce down their necks’¦ for the French it’s a whole culinary experience. To start with, they have trolleys with shelves on, first shelf is for their tray that has starters, the salads, some bread and cutlery, the second layer for the main course, also with bread, and the third layer for the cheese, wine and dessert’¦

We sat next to a family who were making an entire day out of their lunchtime Eekea experience, they had just finished their entrΓ©e when we arrived, and when we left, were just tucking into their second bottle of wine, and a main course’¦ we must learn to eat slower, I’m starting to develop a great admiration for the French eating psyche!



We bought a kettle!! You know the kettles you have to put on a hob, well, bearing in mind it may be a few months before we have a proper oven, and bearing in mind that I may have mastered the art of the wood burning cooker, I thought it would be great if we got a kettle just to keep on the hob, this way, having constant hot water for washing, washing up and also tea and coffee!! GREAT IDEA what do you think.?

We got home late this evening ’“ was cold and dark, left all the goods in the car and headed towards the house ’“ there were loads of strange things underfoot, I stood on 2 ’“ 3 and Paul probably more’¦ we got the torch out to take a look ’“ zillions of dead mice ’“ think the cats have been having a great day in the killing fields of Castelnau!!


27th WEDBESDAT

Another night sleeping with the boys ’“ romance is well and truly dead, and yet another night in bed with all our clothes on ’“ despite having this fire, the house remains freezing, especially at night, last night the temperature dropped to about minus 10’¦c.c.c.cold

So we all really need a shower. Actually I could do with a long hot bath, but that’s never going to happen, today we called the estate agent who is getting onto a plumber friend of his that he recommends who is coming up from Tarbes (hopefully in the next day or two,) we have to phone him back to confirm when he’ll come.
Today we went down to Tarbes to France Telecom to see about having the phone and internet connected, this blackberry must be costing us a small fortune and my mobile has intermittent signal, the best signal I get is if I leave the house and head towards the old mill, which in the night is hardly the most practical way to phone home, also with the impending departure of Paul I’d be much happier if I had a little more contact with the outside world, preferably from INSIDE the house!

France telecom said they thought we could have the internet within a week, apparently we need an engineer to come round to sort out the internet, but the phone side of things should be pretty straight forward, and we could even have a phone in the next few days ’“ HORRAH!! I’ve not heard from the camel people the camels are supposed to leave Bulgaria any day and there’s still loads to be done before their arrival.

As per my email yesterday, there’s definitely a mouse problem, we’ve not worked out how to deal with it other than to send Tuppence up into the loft ’“ he seems to be doing a pretty good job in the barn, as today there were 12 mice out in the front garden!
DEAD

We had an interesting time moving Elliots trampoline too ’“ we originally put it in the barn by the mill so he could use it over Christmas under cover’¦ however, with the forthcoming arrival of the camels we had to move it out towards the front of the house ’“ not as easy as we initially thought, it’s not heavy, but the minute we picked it up it pinged out of position and imploded on itself’¦ so then had to spend several hours reassembling the bloody thing!

This afternoon was also pretty interesting, we went to our 3pm rendezvous with the bank to open the account - first off it was slightly embarrassing, as we left a trail of dried mud across the gleaming bank floor, as we sat waiting I tried picking the bits up and scooping the mud by my feet under the chair ( didn’t work) The whole bank account set up is a bit of a long drawn out process, apparently in order to transfer money, we have to prove where we got it from ’“ quite a weighty paperwork exercise, made slightly more awkward by the fact that the boys found the shiny marble floor particularly slippery and very handy for skidding across


We’re kind of running out of time before Paul has to leave for sunny England, and so we’ve promised ourselves a day trip out tomorrow’¦ currently thinking Lourdes, would be pretty bad if we didn’t visit the local tourist attractions before we get visitors!!

28th THURSDAY
6am’¦
Up early ’“ completely convinced myself that the mice are breaking into the house, last night there was one hell of a thudding up in the roof, I actually wonder if we have something bigger ’“ rats perhaps ’“ scurrying all night ’“ probably trying to keep warm in the new insulation!! Hope they’re not having babies up there!!

Still sleeping with the boys and still longing for a shower’¦ no news from the estate agent, we phoned him again last night and his phone was off’¦

So ’“ we’re off to Lourdes today ’“ very excited to have a day out, have to go now and finish off the woodpile before we head out!

9pm
OH MY GOD’¦ if you’re ever dying, ill, or your legs fail you, don’t DO NOT go to Lourdes’¦
What a complete disappointment, Weston Super Mare on Holy Water’¦ I would have never imagined such commercialism ’“ full of cheap tacky shops selling plastic / and the more upmarket glass water bottles I couldn’t help but feel sorry for the poor people who have gone there as a last resort to be cured, I’ve never seen such exploitation ’“ someone somewhere is raking in a stash of money from these poor people.
The cathedral was stunning, but we had to leave early as there was some kind of mass on, we found Mcdonalds where we nipped in with the boys for a wee and a hot chocolate, then walked down into the tourist area where there are literally row upon row of tacky religious shops flogging everything from Virgin Mary napkins, and plastic figures, to cut glass baby Jesus figures and plastic rosaries ’“ Sister Margaret ( my Primary school teacher) would be rolling in her grave’¦ she had a wooden leg, wonder if she ever went to Lourdes.
Seriously ’“ it’s such a shame that people ’¦ ill ill people go there in hopes of a miracle! I did have a thought though’¦ bit bad, but wondered if Ryan air would like to team up to do a budget Lourdes at our place, we’ll have the camels, and the river that runs past the property originates in Lourdes’¦ we could offer Evian bottles, and all I’ll need is a miracle’¦

Actually ’“ it will be enough of a miracle to get warm and cook a decent meal at the right time! It would be an incredible miracle if I went to bed and woke up back at home in Clevedon, with my nicely painted walls, curtains, clean clothes and a shower that worked ’“ now’¦ that would be a miracle!!

For now though, I’m off to bed ’“ it will be a miracle if I get some sleep with our resident rats clambering around in the eaves, and another miracle if we get hold of the bloody estate agent to sort out our mains water tomorrow!

Tomorrow we’re back to the Doctors for the TB jab





29 ’“ FRIDAY
8am
The rats were back’¦ I think they’ve grown, and probably had more babies ’“ I wonder how often they reproduce’¦ Paul had a thought that it may be a pine martin ’“ in which case we’re in luck because we think they may eat the rats and mice we have up there’¦ but how do we get rid of a pine martin?? AND does a pine martin do more or less damage than a family of little mice’¦ or big rats’¦

Are we best to leave it up there, or to trap it and let it out in the wild’¦ will do some research once we’re online ’“ no news from France Telecom about that yet!

This morning we’re off for the TB jab thingey, I still don’t understand why we have the serum in our fridge, but there we go ’“ will update you more after the jabs!

Outside the weather is grim, we’ve woken to a thick fog, and minus 8’¦ it’s miserable.


9pm

We’re such bad parents, why the hell have we taken our boys out of their wonderful life, their friends, their comfortable surroundings and bought them to this fucking misty hell hole with no hot water, no heating, no money, no friends and inflicted the TB jab on them’¦ what kind of parents does that make us?

I don’t actually want to write about the TB jab thingey that much, other than to say it was just too horrendous, made somewhat worse by the fact the boys were very much aware of why they were there, and also very much aware that it would hurt, even bribery of a new toy and chocolate wasn’t enough ’“ there were squeals of anxiety in the waiting room, Oliver ran out twice, and Elliot just wouldn’t speak, there were a few people before us, and all eyes were glaring on the four of us sat in this waiting room, they all knew why we were there, the boys knew that they knew, and we all knew it would be painful’¦ and it was’¦

We came out ’“ I was actually ashamed that I’d put our boys through this, our hearts were heavy, the boys would remember this for the rest of their lives, and we will probably never be forgiven.

I want to come home, it’s been cold all day, the fog hasn’t lifted, the oven took 3 hours to light again and so we didn’t eat until late, the stupid fucking kettle never seems to boil on the hob, the cooker fills the room with this rancid smoke, and I do believe it may be upsetting the spirit in the kitchen. Just for good measure, I always say bonjour and Aurevior to him’¦ just incase.


On a slightly more positive front we managed to get hold of the estate agent, his friend the plumber is coming, most probably on the 3rd’¦
Oh ’“ also looks like we have English neighbours, as we were driving up to the doctors, we saw an English car parked on the corner, Paul wants us to go and introduce ourselves tomorrow ’“ bit worried about that ’“ just cause they’re English doesn’t mean to say they’ll be our type of people, but as he said, it’ll be handy knowing there’s someone who speaks the language and it’s always good to know your neighbours


30 SATURDAY
It’s mice, at least that’s what Paul says’¦ so we now need to decide what to do with the bastards that keep us awake all night ’“ on the positive side’¦ every time they wake me up I go downstairs to put another log on the stupid insert’¦ so for the last 3 nights we’ve had a fire all night ’“ don’t actually think it makes the slightest difference ’“ it’s still fucking cold.

We went to meet les Anglais’¦ early 40’s, small child, lived here for a year, don’t speak French, they’ve invited us for a meal’¦ I don’t know’¦ first impressions, pleasant enough, nice to have a person to talk to. Said we shouldn’t have called the plumber, we should have gone to them, he knows all about that kind of stuff as he used to be an electrician??!! Anyway, don’t want to be beholding to the neighbours, and probably best to get an expert in

This fog is still here and no matter how positive I try to be about everything, it’s all just getting us down ’“ the cold, the dirt, the lack of space in the house, the lack of a decent cooker and trying to concoct something original on the single electric hob each night is now boring me

I want to be home, I want to have heating, I want a decent meal, a clean house with cupboards and a place to put everything, I want drawers for clothes, and a place to hang them up, I want light switches that work, I want plugs that don’t blow up, I want electricity that doesn’t blow the trip every time I turn the tumble dryer on, actually, I want my old neighbours too ’“ how wonderful they were, how kind, supportive and lovely ’“ how utterly brilliant’¦ I actually wish I could speak the language, because I so want to go and meet the French neighbours, but how the hell do I? I can’t speak to them, I can’t introduce myself to them’¦ I’ll wait a while, until I can at least have enough French to tell them I don’t speak French yet’¦
I’ve just read the above paragraph’¦do I sound spoilt? Perhaps’¦ but I wish we never came to this fucking hell hole.

31 SUNDAY
Been clearing out the barn today’¦ in the fog’¦ it’s fucking cold’¦ the neighbours came round to invite us for dinner tomorrow night. No sign of the plumber. Was going to stay up to see new year in ’“ but have a feeling it’s going to be a shit year, so will go to bed and try to warm up.
HAPPY NEW YEAR

01 MONDAY
We woke to a frozen river, and no water’¦ not even cold water in the taps, it’s all frozen up’¦ so wet wipes it is again! Have decided we need a little luxury, and so we’re currently using Pampers wetwipes

It’s the first NY in many that we’ve not woken up to an almighty hangover’¦ which is good ’“ it’s too cold for a hangover. We carried on clearing the barn, and restacking the wood to make way for the camels.
This evening we went to dinner at our new neighbours ( sorry ’“ newly found neighbours) who, I’m sure think we’re slightly mad, there are undertones of ’œyour barmy’ thrown in at every opportunity’¦ don’t’ really know what they’re doing here, they don’t work, they have a young son and a penchant for cheap Spanish wine’¦ we’re on the outskirts of Madiran for gods sake, but the Spanish apparently is cheaper ’“ about 70cents a litre, so this means you can drink more’¦ would rather give it a miss actually!!

The one positive thing about being there, was the warmth, they have one of these insert thingeys, ( just like the one we bought) but theirs works ’“ infact, it blows out the most tremendous amount of heat which in turn, heats their entire house’¦ ooh so good and ooh so warm, they also said we could shower there’¦ and so we did’¦ took my Christmas shower gel and big fluffy warm towels and some clean clothes to put on before dinner’¦ very kind of them ’“ just not our type’¦
We walked home’¦ house freezing, but we’re clean, Paul leaves tomorrow, so we did have thoughts of sharing a bed tonight’¦ however, boys piled in, and any form of romance, means removing clothing, and I tell you what ’“ I’m not taking off a single stitch ’“ it’s a hat night tonight!!

Hey our friend JC comes tomorrow ’“ it’ll be a sad day, I have to drop Paul to the airport, and pick JC up who’s coming off the same plane, so a bit of waiting around, can’t wait to see him and show him our new crazy life, we’ve shared so many ups and downs through the last 11 or so years, I know he’ll think we’re mad, but I’m sure he’ll understand why we’ve done it!!
TUESDAY
02 ’“ HORRAH for plastic dog turds
So it’s been a manic day, first off, the plumber arrived, Paul was in Plaisance buying some DIY stuff to sure up a beam that’s holding the roof up, and whilst he was out the plumber came!! MIRACLE’¦

The boys had been playing with their Christmas prezzies, and had their joke plastic dog poo on the floor ’“ great trick, plumber stepped straight over it thinking it was real, then he went straight to the boiler on the wall, tightened up some screw, then lit a lighter ’“ no gas seemed to be escaping ’“ and no unusual noises, other than my gasp of horror that he should test to see if he has escaping gas with a cigarette lighter’¦ in a room with my boys and a plastic dog turd on the floor’¦

He grumbled something ’“ looked up said ’œok ca va’ which I took to be fine, then he wrote 50 Euros on a piece of paper’¦ fortunately, the boys had 50 Euros in Christmas money, as otherwise I’d have had to wait for Paul to come back from Plaisance, and then drive all the way there again to draw money out ( still waiting for our cheque book for the new account) and off he went ’“ 50 squid richer for 2 minutes work!!

Stef showed up in time for lunch - bless her ’“ she bought her dads landrover and trailer, this way we can fetch and carry wood, hay and straw and be ready for the camels, I left her back at home waiting with baited breath for my return with the legendary JC’¦ worrying that I may have up sold him slightly ’“ (well, she can make her own mind up on that one’¦) after all’¦ she IS single, and JC should be’¦ perfect combination!
I haven’t told Stef I’m actually thinking of setting them up ’“ would go down like a lead balloon and she’d probably never speak to me again!

After lunch, we headed with heavy hearts to the airport to drop Paul off in Toulouse, it ’˜s been a sad sad evening, we don’t’ do ’œbeing apart’ and it will be another 10 or more days until he’s back, and with so much going on and so many new things occupying our lives, I’m sure it will be a long 10 days.
We’ve all been really sad, the drive up was intense, talking about everything that needed to be done before the camels arrived, and everything that needed to be sorted in the UK with regards to finances, interspersed with long silences and tears. We hugged each other like we’ve never hugged before, Paul held the boys like he never wanted to let go, and told them to look after me. I stood with the boys all three of us holding hands whilst Paul went through security’¦ we stood there and hugged and cried.

And so here I am, waiting for JC’s arrival, another 10 minutes before he lands, boys have once again taken to the shiny marble airport tiles and are skidding over the arrivals floor tearing holes in their knees ’“ they’re OK, sad not to have Paul here of course, but OK. I’m using the Wifi connection here with not a huge amount of success, so will sign off now. Looking forward to seeing how Stef and JC get on!!!



WEDNESDAY
03 THE BOILER IS FUCKED
So ’“ this morning, JC went to have a shower and the hot water didn’t work, then Stef went to have one, and again’¦ it didn’t work, Stef ( practical and articulate as ever) had a look and said’¦ it’s fucked’¦
She then called the bastard plumber for us, fortunately, he’d left us his number as he’d offered to quote to put central heating in the entire house’¦ I’m sure we’d use him then’¦ He’s coming later ’“ in the meantime, I stink! Stef stinks, and JC stinks’¦ am never going to get them together like this!
We’re off just now to go and track down picquets ’“ they’re like posts they use for the vines ( apparently really handy for fencing) and also to track down some wood for the rails, we have 3 days between us A) to get the camel fencing ready and B) to get some romance going between Stef and JC
Will email more later!

03 NEVER TRY TO SET YOUR FRIENDS UP
I’m really missing Paul
However we had loads to do and no time to do it, we found some Picquets, good sturdy ones from a lady who only wanted a Euro a piece.

I don’t know why it happens to me, but nothing ever seems to be straight forward, and usually, if something delays me it’s an animal’¦ we found this wood yard, sadly, closed today, but open tomorrow, however, we ended up on a mercy mission ( as if we didn’t have anything else to do) As we drove up to the yard, the first of 2 guard dogs ran to the fence and started howling at me, we got out of the car, just really to take a look at the types of wood they had there. We heard these muffled howls from behind a woodpile, standing with his tail firmly between his legs was a large feed bag with a stubby brown body and four short feet!

There were no contact details on the gate, and so we drove around and knocked on doors’¦ Stef knocked, Stef spoke, and tried to find someone who may know a bit about the bag with a dogs body, and wagging tail. We pulled up on a narrow stretch of road, Stef told me to get out and go ring the bell, she really doesn’t understand, I really DON’T speak French’¦ of course I knew Chien and Sac, but the rest would have to be miming’¦ I got out protesting as I knew I’d make a complete fool of myself, and I did’¦

More comedy than mime I fear, several minutes later, I’d managed to explain to the lady that there was a dog in a basket in a market, Stef had parked the car and come back to work her magic and made everything clear to the lady, who happened to know the sister of the guy who was married to the lady who owned it with her brother’¦ glad that’s sorted, the bag can be liberated, and the dog will be happy again!

The plumber showed up ’“ 2 minutes into his visit and he condemned the boiler ’“ Stef sorted him out, thank god she’s French ’“ don’t know what she said to him, but she went bright red, shook her head loads and raised her voice ’“ either way, I paid no more for the knackered piece of shit. Have to think of alternatives now, as the boiler really is fucked!

Stef is on to me’¦ her and JC took an instant dislike to each other and whilst bashing in the piquets JC nearly broke Stefs arm with the mallet, then wrote off 5 piquets by splitting them, and buggered up a whole box of nails’¦ Stef took me aside to tell me I better not be trying to set her up with this bloke’¦ of course, I flatly denied it ’“ I’m sure there’s hope, if only they’d both relax and just enjoy each others company.

It’s cold’¦ still so very cold

Siti sent me an email, she’s had a dream, apparently Stef is going to meet up with someone called Patrick and fall madly in love’¦ another one of Siti’s dreams’¦ but she believes and that’s the main thing’¦ Stef is wondering who it is!

I’ve also uncovered a video Stef and I made of ourselves in Abu Dhabi ’“ talking about complete and utter nonsense, ironically, we made it on the same tape as my first camel encounter out there, so plan to watch it tonight. How bizarre that all those events have turned into the life I’m leading today, 15 years later.

I phoned Paul, when he’s back we’re going to go and get a boiler’¦ in the meantime it’s wetwipes and the kettle’¦ the kettle that never boils’¦ never mind it’s too cold to shower anyway!

JC is far from happy with the services here ’“ especially the lack of shower. He needs to go out and visit the local area, he needs space and he needs to escape Stef!!

This evening we are going to eat some duck ’“ have never eaten duck before ( not even at Poons in the UK) It comes in a tin, and is cooked in loads of fat and can be cooked on our electric ring’“ will try to eat it without thinking too much about it as I’m starving!

We’ll also watch the video of us that we made in Abu Dhabi ’“ all those years ago ’“ that should be a laugh!!




04 THURSDAY

This morning Stef and I went up to Gamm Vert ’“ it’s a local agricultural merchants that sells everything from animal feed to string ’“ the guy there was really helpful ’“ it turns out that he knows the previous owners ’“ his father and Monsieur La Cave were childhood friends. The guy gave us loads of information on how to source hay and straw, sold us horse feed and electric fencing, and then gave offered us his number ( just incase we ever needed him) He wrote his name down beside his number’¦ he’s called PATRICK!!
So Siti’s dream may well come true! He’s a tall guy, early 40’s, not got a great deal of hair and Stef has dismissed the idea as insane’¦ but he is called Patrick ’“ and for now’¦that will do!

Stefs car is playing up’¦ not good ’“ we don’t know what’s wrong, but it starts intermittently her dad may have to drive over and take a look at it.

The boys were really quiet today, we’re all missing Paul, but they’ve sat in the lounge all day watching TV drinking this new squash I bought and eating the chocolate JC bought ’“ they’ve been so so quiet, I’m wondering if it’s a reaction to the TB jab. They’ve also been stuck in as the weather has been so bad and we’ve been outside preparing the barn for the camels and clearing out some of the old machinery.

We went back to the wood yard and bought wood for the fencing’¦ apparently it’s seconds’¦ it was manufactured for use for coffins!! Quite who or why they would reject it is bizarre ’“ but either way, we got a good deal on it an so are ready to start on the fencing in ernest!!

This evening JC is off to Marciac ’“ I think he’s just about had his fill of us girls ’“ he’s taking my car and we’ll have a girls night in on the beer ’“ it’s dinner time so must go ’“ have uncovered my slow cooker so it’s sausages in tomato sauce!

11.30 pm
We’ve had the most dreadful evening. I want to be home. I hate this country, I hate not being able to communicate, I hate the cold and I hate the house’¦ I want to go back to work I want my old life infront of a computer, I want my career, my cleaner, my aupair and I want to be clean ’“ most importantly ’“ I want my vet.
Just after dinner, Scampi climbed off of the sofa and stumbled to the ground, she started vomiting and salivating all over the place ’“ we managed to help her out of the door where she crapped all over the path, she was desperately ill. JC was out with my car, Stef phoned Patrick ( he did say we could call if we needed anything after all) it was 9pm. He gave us the phone number and details of a vet in Plaisance ( 10 minutes drive away). Stef called up and told them we were on our way. We got the boys up out of bed, piled them into the car, between us we lifted Scampi into the back. We locked the house up and jumped into the car’¦ several minutes later, and we were still parked in the driveway. The Landrover wouldn’t start. Scampi was puking in the back, you could hear every strain of her body as she clung to life ’“ something was going dreadfully wrong. We stayed in the car and Stef called Patrick again’¦ we needed a lift urgently to the vets. Within minutes Patrick rolled up’¦ with his children ’“ this was fine, but meant there was no room in the car for Stef and the boys ( small problem ’“ Patrick doesn’t speak English).
He gestured to me to sit in the front and lifted Scampi ( half conscious) out of the landrover and onto my knee in the front of his Peugeot. We drove to Plaisance at speed, and in silence. I couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down my cheeks ’“ Scampi is such a huge part of our lives and I just couldn’t bear the thought of loosing her ’“ worse still, loosing her when Paul was away. The vet was at the door ’“ oh how I wish we’d met under better circumstances, this guy was lovely’¦ Richard Gere, with a long white doctors coat and a stethoscope and here was I with our treasured lurcher dying in my arms ’“ I was blubbering’¦ ’œmon chien, Mon chien’ ’“ after all ’“ that was all I was capable of blubbering ’“ then I started blubbering in English making vomiting and pooing motions to try to explain the problem, whilst Richard took her temperature and listened to her chest. Richard spoke to Patrick ’“ they nodded in agreement and they both went silent. Richard went to the draw to get a syringe and some liquid’¦ OH MY GOD THEY WERE PUTTING HER DOWN ’“ I had to stop them, but didn’t know how I was just so distraught, I didn’t want her life to end like this ’“ with people she didn’t know, in a language she didn’t understand’¦ it was just such an undignified ending for our beloved girl. I threw myself over the top of her and in the way of Richard who was approaching with the syringe. STOP!

Richard realised I hadn’t a clue what was going on’¦ Patrick chuckled’¦ Richard’s English isn’t good’¦ but is a great deal better than my French.
’œJe pense c’est poison’¦ le poison ’“ you have poison down for mice?’
’œno ’¦no we have mice but we don’t have poison for them yet ’“ we have loads in the roof ’“ perhaps she’s eaten an old mouse that Tuppence caught’ It fell on deaf ears ’“ he didn’t understand.
’œI give this ’“ after three days she may live’
I stood back ’“ I was powerless as he injected her, I just wanted the discomfort to stop and her to be well again ’“ 3 days’¦ I had 3 days and then Stef and JC would be gone and I’d have a dog that would live or die, AND I’d be alone
Richard wished us a bon soiree and Patrick carried Scampi back to the car ’“ in the UK they’d have kept her in for the 3 days’¦ but here it seems they let her go home’¦ and so this evening I’m sat on my blackberry on the edge of the sofa beside Scampi who as usual is taking up the rest of it. We have 3 days’¦ I can’t loose her not after all this.



Friday 05

Scampi hasn’t been sick ’“ but she’s really quiet ’“ tail between her legs, she won’t eat and it’s just enough for her to climb from one sofa to the next. There’s nothing we can do for her other than to wait and see.

I’ve been really really worried about the boys today ’“ at one time I came into the house and found them slumped over each other on the sofa’¦ it wasn’t until late this afternoon that I discovered what the problem has been for the last 2 days’¦ instead of drinking the syrup de cassis ’“ they’ve been drinking CrΓ¨me de Cassis’¦ they’ve drunk an entire bottle between them!! OOPS ’“ so tomorrow they’ll no doubt have a hangover ’“ WHAT a bad mother I am!

I’m exhausted ’“ physically and emotionally exhausted ’“ we still have no hot water ’“ its getting hard to be creative cooking on one electric ring, and you can only use the slow cooker so many times in one week before it gets boring. I stink ’“ I really stink ’“ my hair is tied back and I look like a bag lady. I’m fed up with this rural living, I’m fed up with the mice that keep me awake all night ’“ I’m turning into a moaner. But seriously’¦ I WANT TO COME HOME.

Saturday 06
Scampi is looking a little better ’“ she’s not been sick ’“ but did have a squidgy poo last night which stunk the house out! She’s spent the day on the sofa ’“ not much change there ’“ this is the problem as she spends all her time on the sofa she could be dead for 24 hours before anyone noticed!! Seriously though ’“ she just stayed on the blue Habitat sofa today ’“ got up only to drink, and didn’t move to the other one once ( probably a bit high for her) I’m hoping she’s on the mend.

First thing this morning I took JC and the boys off to Vic en Bigorre, they have a Saturday market there’¦ Stefs parting comments were’¦ ’œdon’t come back with any animals’ JC bought some cake for his fat English GF to take home, and I bought some chickens ’“ two. We have decided that we will actually use chickens for eggs, but also eat our chickens too, and I thought two would be a good start. The secret I believe to having chickens to eat is that you don’t give them names and you don’t have eye contact. Vic en Bigorre is 20 minutes from the house, and so by the time we got home boys had each taken ownership of a chicken and each chicken had a name.

We had an interesting visitation today from the English’¦ or the hillbillies as JC has nicknamed them’¦ they rocked up wearing combats and dragging their mute son with them
Every time she opens her mouth ’“ she starts with the phrase’¦ ’œ What I was going to say was’¦’

I imagine they have nothing better to do actually, than think about what they were going to say!

They toured the farm ’“ commented on the amount of work we’d have to do on the house’¦ and generally belittled me. Did we know we needed a new roof ’“ did we know our electrics were out of date’¦ did we know you can buy instant coffee in the supermarket here’¦ and did we want some cheap Spanish wine. The male hillbilly actually seems pretty reasonable ’“ if not somewhat dominated, but ’œwhat she was going to say’¦’ didn’t really matter. On a positive note, they have offered to help install our hot water tank for us’¦ this is both of them ’“ I don’t think she lets him out of her sight!


This afternoon we had the news we’d been waiting for ’“ all the paperwork is finally in order and the camels are leaving today ’“ they should be with us by Monday. I desperately needed to go to the bank this afternoon to get the money out for the delivery drivers, but JC had to go to the TABAC to get the cigars he ordered to take back home ’“ hey ho ’“ will go on Monday morning once I’ve dropped the boys to school.

Still waiting for France Telecom ’“ 20 minutes in the queue today and still nothing ’“ twice we called ’“ and didn’t get through either time ’“ will try again Monday!

So’¦ where am I now? I’m back in Toulouse’¦ using the Wifi at the airport ’“ JC is just checking his stuff in. Stef is at home with the boys and I should get home about 11ish tonight.



Sunday
07t t

Scampi still hasn’t moved from the sofa ’“ I’m a bit worried ’“ day 3 is tomorrow, Stef left us today and so I’m alone for the first time ’“ I’m really scared ’“ the house felt so safe with other people to share it with, but tonight ’“ it feels colder than ever, and lonely’¦ so lonely

We had a visit from a bloke today offering to fix our roof, cut our trees and generally help out ’“ he’s a neighbour and came on the pretext he’d lost his dog ’“ Stef said to be careful ’“ he looks dodgy and anyway, it’s illegal to employ people on the black. Stef explained that we’d be doing all the work’¦ that’s the last thing I need’¦ dodgy neighbours!

Stefs dad came today to help fix the car for the drive back to Foix, it was so great spending time with Stef we always manage to have a laugh and she’s so very practical ’“ I think she despairs of my inability ’“ It still takes me 30 minutes to light the fire, and I’ve completely given up on the old cooker at the other end of the house. She also despairs of the English mentality to Breakfast’¦ I tried to poison her with marmite this morning ’“ she explained you have to be a ’œSpecial person’ to eat Marmite ’“ and it helps if you have an English passport ’“ so it was croissants and hot chocolate served in a big bowl ’“ think the boys could get used to this French breakfast concept!

David ( Stefs dad) used to live in Saudi ’“ he’s one of these guys who knows everything about everything and he recounted a tale of a documentary he saw about a camel who had disowned her young calf’¦ apparently the Bedouins played music to her to calm her down and after several days she accepted the calf ’“ must try to find it online’¦ if I ever get online!! He also told me that I should have a scarf with me at all times when I’m training the camels’¦ apparently in the desert when a camel charges at the trainer and to knock him to the ground, the owner takes off his Jelabiah and throws it on the ground in front of the camel ’“ this way ’“ the camel crushes that to the ground and not the trainer’¦
Starting to get a bit apprehensive about this camel training ’“ perhaps it’s not such a good idea ’“ the camels should arrive tomorrow evening I’m so excited ’“ but sooo worried I may fail them.
For now ’“ it’s cold ’“ I want to go to bed ’“ I’m going to continue sharing with the boys, at least they’ll have warmed the bed up for me ’“ smelly feet, bottom burps and warmth’¦mmm!
The boys have school tomorrow and I have to get up early.


Monday 8th January 2007.
I think this has to be the lowest day of all. I didn’t sleep a wink last night ’“ firstly the stench of bottom burps and boys unwashed feet as I entered the boys room was overpowering ’¦ I went to bed as usual in the same clothes ’“ they were warm and I didn’t see any point in changing into cold ones. It was cold ’“ but I’m kind of getting used to the cold. I heard every moan and groan in the house, every mouse that ran across the beams and in the walls, I heard every dog bark and every owl cry’¦ by 3am I came down stairs to try to relight the fire and by 3.30 I snuggled up with a duvet and Scampi on the sofa.

Today was the day that we would know if Scampi made it ’“ and she has ’“ there seem to be no ill side effects ’“ she managed to steal Elliots croissant this morning and then the cats breakfast and so I think we’ve pulled through.

By 7 I was up, and had washed over a washing up bowl infront of the fire’¦ this is primitive living FUCKING primitive ’“ I keep imagining I’m in a dream and will soon be back in the real world ’“ it’s character building’¦ that’s for sure. Having managed to get the room sufficiently hot I woke the boys and gave them a strip wash in front of it. Their clothes were warm and dry, and I managed to route through the suitcase to find something suitably smart to wear to take the boys to school on their first day ’“ I didn’t smell too bad, and it was a small sacrifice to make to keep up appearances!
The boys were sad, they didn’t want to go to school, they didn’t want to speak French, they didn’t want to make new friends, infact they were more than happy with their old school, their old friends, and also more than happy to learn in English.
I took Elliot into his class ’“ the warmth hit me as the door opened and the teacher smiled at me, she took Elliot by the hand and led him away. He’s always been a brave soul, so didn’t cry, but I could see how unhappy he was. The next was Oliver. He stood next to me in the playground ’“ he didn’t hold my hand ( not cool) but he wanted to. Children crowded around him with Salut’s and Bonjours’¦ and he looked up at me with pleading eyes’¦ at that moment, I could have quite happily bundled them back into the car and driven them to England’¦ I wouldn’t have stopped ’“ I’d have just kept driving ’“ I feel so very guilty. What have we done to our boys. The school Director came over to speak to me ’“ the look of dread crossed my face, what the hell do I say? He indicated towards the class room and all the children went in, he took Oliver by the hand and they walked in together.

The next stop was the bank’¦ I drove the 20 minutes to Plaisance only to find that banks in France don’t open on a Monday’¦ HOW STUPID’¦how utterly ridiculous ’“ but I was panic stricken’¦ here I was in France ’“ I didn’t know a soul, I needed 4000 Euros to pay the transport costs for the camels that were supposed to be delivered today WHAT the hell was I going to do?

I raced back home as I had a delivery of hay and straw coming from a friend of the lovely Patrick, and I was late. I got back to find the tractor outside the house with 8 huge rolls of the stuff which ( in my wisdom) I decided to put in the barn alongside the house). Now I was sure the man wanted 60 Euros, and as I looked up at the tractor, I couldn’t believe what a bargain it was to have these huge rolls of straw for such a great price. The bloke ( Monsieur Mienville parked up the trailer at the side of the road and unhooked it. We then had to cut down a few overhanging trees so he could drive his tractor in and out of the barn’¦ WHAT A SKILL ’“ this guy knew every inch of his tractor and expertly unloaded all the bales and lined them up on top of each other in the barn with millimetres to spare!
All was done and it was time to settle up, I got the 60 Euros out of my pocket to find it was actually 260 Euros!! FUCK!!

And so’¦ I made a promise to him that I’d pass by tomorrow to pay the money. He was happy and went on his way.

I then had to race up to the school to get the boys. They work 9 ’“ 12 and 1.30 ’“ 4.30 Monday Tuesday Thursday and Friday. I got there just before they came out. Monsieur Grenier greeted me. It had been a hard morning. That was all I could understand’¦ difficile c’est difficile. Then from behind me I heard a voice ’œ Hello’ it was a small girl a bit older than Oliver. I’ve been helping translate today, here’s my mum. Carole introduced herself ’“ she’s been here for 2 years ’“ speaks perfect French as does Louise who spoke not a word when she arrived’¦ relief ’“ a child they can speak to in school and a translator too. Apparently it took Louise 6 months to grasp the lingo ’“ so it’ll be a long 6 months for Oliver I fear ’“ but hey ’“ he’ll have 2 languages at the end of it. Carole isn’t your typical ’œIn your face’ expat. She’s here on her own with her parents living about 10 miles away ’“ she said if we needed anything we could call her ’“ it’s handy to know there’s someone here I can speak to. She also mentioned that she heard we were getting camels ’“ she’s been asked by the head teacher if we’re breeding them to eat!!!!! I know the French have this obsession with food, but REALLY!!!

Next stop was la Maternelle for Elliot. According to Elliot he had a great morning, his teacher babbled away at me in French’¦ I got not a word. But there is a god’¦ Carole the English lady had gone by now, but running up towards me in the playground was this jolly looking lady, with auburn hair and a VERY large chest. She threw her arms around me and said ’œoh you’re new too ’“ it’s lovely to meet you’ It turns out that they moved into the village a few days ago. She’s from Norway and her husband is disabled ( how sad) they have 2 small children in the class with Elliot AND she speaks fluent French! I asked her to ask the teacher to repeat what she’d said. Apparently Elliot had a great morning but will struggle with his French’¦ tell me something I don’t know! This lady is called Else and she explained that they were having water problems too ’“ hurrah ’“ another smelly person. So I said that I’d do a deal ’“ whoever gets their water working first should invite the other over for a shower. She laughed ’“ I think she thought I was joking’¦ I wasn’t. So with goodbyes of bon appetite we went home to lunch!

All of this ’“ and I still had camels arriving tonight and no money’¦ I couldn’t possibly ask the English lady, and contemplated asking Else, but I certainly wouldn’t give someone 4000 Euros if I’d only just met them. I called Stef. She didn’t have 4000 Euros on her and again wouldn’t’ be able to get to the bank to get any money before tomorrow. So I was schnuckered.

As I got home, my mobile was ringing, it was Veneta ( the wife of the camel guy in Bulgaria) there had been a delay ’“ she was hugely apologetic ’“ the camels wouldn’t arrive until tomorrow’¦ ELATION’¦ so they would be here mid morning and I was to wait in for them!!

The boys were not happy, they had to go back to school for the afternoon and they didn’t want to. Elliot to was slightly more willing as he had two English speaking class mates to play with, but Oliver was low. It was a promise to visit the supermarket in PLaisance after school and buy chocolate that won them both over. I took them back to the school and walked them into the playground. Where they stood, hand in hand being swarmed by the local village children who wanted to know all about their new friends.

This evening they were tired. We went home via Plaisance ( so a 40 minute round trip for chocolate) the fire had stayed on and I washed the boys infront of it and put clean clothes on them. We had tea and they went straight to bed, exhausted, worried about what tomorrow would bring and excited about the forthcoming arrival of the camels.

As for me, I’m cold’¦ I’ve got another bar of chocolate I stashed away in the car, but I’m too cold even to get it. I’m missing Paul, I’m lonely and I still want my old life back ’“ I don’t think I’m suited to France, I don’t like the house, I don’t like the lonely nights, and I don’t like having to fight for a phone or internet’¦ I would just like normality back. I miss it all, I miss England and the rain, I miss the Poles at the checkout in Tescos, I miss tit’s out and her tales of woe in John Lewis ’“ but most of all’¦ I want Paul here’¦ Hey ho ’“ tomorrows another day ’“ the camels WILL ARRIVE!!

Tuesday 09
There’s a motorbike that drives up our road every morning at 7.30, and. I’ve decided that’s an ideal time for me to get up. I find myself lying in bed listening to baby boy farts long before 7 but it’s just too cold and so totally unnecessary to get up before that time. The boys go to bed dressed for school the next day, and so all they have to do is have breakfast and brush their teeth ’“ an hour is more than enough time for that. So at 7.30 I’m up now’¦ lighting the bloody fire which has invariably gone out and putting the stupid kettle on the stupid electric ring with just enough water for a cup of tea and 2 hot chocolates ’“ it usually takes around 40 minutes to reach boiling point. It’s going to be a mad day hence my early email ’“ I have to go to the bank, go to the straw man and sort everything out for the arrival of the camels as well as argue with the boys about going to school ’“ so I probably won’t be able to send another email until later this evening if not tomorrow.

Tuesday night
JUST WHEN I THOUGHT THINGS COULDN’T GET WORSE

So this morning, I took the boys to school, kicking and screaming they went off with a promise of more chocolate and camels by lunchtime.
I drove straight to the bank arriving just as they were opening their doors ’“ 9.10. In I went, armed with passport and every form of ID imaginable to get our 4000 Euros out. There was no money in the account. At this point I could have burst into tears’¦ of course there was money there, we transferred it last Wednesday, it should have got into the bank by now, I HAD to have the money or the people delivering the camels would just drive off.

I phoned Paul’¦ hysterical ’“ he was due to deliver a training session for the whole day, he had 10 minutes before he started and said he’d call the currency broker to sort it out. He called me back minutes later’¦
’œThe money went through on Thursday so it’s there’
’œIt’s not fucking there, the camels are coming and it’s not fucking there’¦ where’s our money gone?’ I slammed the phone down.

Paul then called the bank in Plaisance ’“ the one I was parked outside of. Low and behold ’“ the money wasn’t there. He phoned the currency people back ’“ they’d transferred it and it should be in there. He called the bank back ( I was still outside) No sign of the money. He called me back.
’œI have to deliver this training, but I can’t track the money down’
’œWell I don’t give a shit, I’m here on my own, I’ve just dropped the boys to school crying their eyes out, I’m cold I’m tired and I’m lonely and there’s no fucking money in the bank’ SLAM PHONE DOWN AGAIN

I found the chocolate I’d hidden in the car and ate it.

Poor Paul I’m actually feeling terribly guilty, but there was nothing I could do sat in the car in Plaisance!

He called back I could see it was him calling I answered the phone and cut him off again. I didn’t’ actually want to speak to him at that moment, I was jealous he had a job, I was jealous he had a comfortable bed, I was jealous he could pop Pizza in the oven at Suzies house and I was jealous that he was warm ’¦Further, I’m jealous he has people to speak to in a language he can understand, I’m jealous he has a hot shower every morning and jealous he has TV and internet’¦and here I am stuck in this shithole it’s just not fair.

He phoned back’¦ It seems there was a problem with the transfer, despite the fact they got the right details the first time they transferred money, they got the wrong details this time, and our money was floating round in space and no doubt some bastard was capitalising on the interest from that. The broker would sort out a transfer now and the money would be in place by 12.
I dried my eyes, finished my chocolate and walked back into the bank ’œ The money will be here at 12 so I’ll be back then’
’œYes ’“ but we’re closed until 2’
FUCK ’“ if this was England I’d have been stamping my feet and swearing by now, but he was so polite, and so kind to speak to me in English’¦ so I walked out’¦ and cried more. I finally composed myself enough to drive home and cried again.
And here I am ’“ sending this email and still crying it’s warm outside ’¦which is good as the bloody fire has gone out again so I’ve not bothered lighting it’¦
.The phone has just rung, it was Veneta (from the camel farm) Lovely lady, speaks Bulgarian, with a smattering of French and English’¦ The camels have arrived, they are at a lake beginning with M and I have to drive and meet them’¦ SHIT
Must go ’“ will email later tonight.


PHEW what a day
I went to pick the boys up from school’¦ it was no better’¦, neither of them looked very happy, guilt’¦ I felt such terrible pain and guilt but put on a brave face and explained that the camels were arriving’¦ I had a strategy, we’d go and get the camels, get them unloaded into the garden and then I’d tell the delivery driver I had to go and get the money from the bank - this was sure to work, by this stage the camels would be unloaded and it would take them ages to get them back onto the lorry!!!

I had a baguette, and some cans and cakes in the car which I passed back, the boys were really excited ’“ so it was lunch on the run as headed out towards our first port of call’¦ Marciac. We drove around the lake and there infront of us was a blue Bulgarian registered lorry’¦ with our camels in it!

I flashed at the lorry, and turned around in the road’¦ there we were, the boys and me, being followed by a lorry with OUR camels in’¦ this was a day we’d waited for, and spoken about for many months, finally’¦ we were camel owners!! NEARLY’¦

The lorry was slow behind us and I didn’t know how it would manage over the bumps in our road, especially over the humped back bridge - he drove slowly with our precious cargo for that I was thank full’¦ also we had to kill time before 2 when the bank opened!!

I pulled up alongside the front of the house and directed him to reverse into the front garden. The boys helped open up the gates as he went back. It was a magical moment when they opened the tail gate to reveal’¦ 4 mangy looking camels’¦ but camels none the less .. and most importantly OUR camels!!

They slowly rose to their feet, looking disorientated and scared ’“ and quite frankly’¦ FUCKED OFF, it had been a long drive for them and they looked in desperate need to stretch their legs. I explained to the one Bulgarian ( the boss) where I needed them, I’d roped off the whole area so they just had to walk straight to the barn infront of the mill’¦ he understood!

The first challenge was to catch them’¦ I stood back’¦ out of the way with the boys, who were both deciding who should take ownership of which camel, Oliver wanted the biggest one, Elliot wanted the boy one’¦ there isn’t a boy one’¦

Out first was the camel with the super droopy hump’¦ she’s got a burgundy head collar and has a beautiful face. It took the handlers a good 10 minutes to corner her enough to put a rope on her headcollar’¦ they then started to drag her out’¦ 3 burley Bulgarians shouting and screaming at the end of the rope’¦ and several hundred pounds of camel’¦ minutes passed’¦she didn’t want to come’¦ did I have a bucket’¦ as it happened’¦ YES ’“ I had 4 gleaming new ones!! I went to the food shed and filled one up. One of the handlers took it and started shaking it at the end of the tail gate. Another handler held the rope and the third went behind with a stick’¦ I stood there and cringed ’“ once she’d got to the mill, never again would she be hit with a stick like that. Camels do most things in life in a laissez faire kinda way’¦ slowly and surely’¦ but the bash up the bum unnerved her and she came out sideways loosing her footing and falling off the side of the ramp into a heap on the floor’¦

MY GOD’¦ MY CAMEL’¦ there were shouts from the burley Bulgarians, and geers when she rose, all they had to do now was to get her into the pen, she saw the pile of hay ahead of her and proudly marched in, unscathed by her fall, and unperturbed by these SMALL Bulgarians!!

Next was the tiny camel, she was the one I was advised not to buy’¦ tiny skinny, but with a bark on her that could scare off a thousand Bulgarians if she wanted to! She was easy enough to manhandle and she walked down the ramp, barking, stomping and kicking out randomly towards the Bulgarians getting the most obnoxious one on the thigh. He pulled his trousers up laughing to reveal a ripening bruise with two camel toe marks ’“ that hurt!!

Then came the pretty camel, she came out sideways, quite quietly and in a desperate hurry to join the others’¦ she seemed to be the most timid of the herd, but even still had a swipe with her nearside hind leg at the smallest Bulgarian who stood in the way of her and her herd.

WHAT HAVE I DONE’¦ these camels are completely unhandalable !!

Finally came the big camel, she had stood at the back watching the events unfold’¦ she wasn’t going without a fight, infact, the box seemed a pretty reasonable place to stay, it was warm and dry, and she wasn’t going to come to play!! One of the Bulgarians went to the side of the lorry and got out a bottle of vodka!! He started swigging the stuff down ’“ the others all stopped ’“ I think they’d decided to ’œtake a break’

Bit relieved there was no rush been looking at the clock all lunchtime’¦

So about 20 minutes ago they finally got the big camel pulled off the lorry!! She started down at a steady pace, though her back leg fell off of the side and she panicked a bit at that point and ran off of the edge.

I’ve left the Burly Bulgarians with their bottle of vodka, locked the house up and told them I’ve gone to the bank’¦ trouble is’¦ I’m not actually at the bank ’“ it’s 1.45, I’m in the garage at Plaisance ’“ my card won’t work, so I can’t get petrol out until the lady comes back from lunch’¦ the sun is shining, the boys are hanging out of the moonroof of the car and are due back at school in 15 minutes’¦ they’re not going to make it! I’m hoping some passer by will let us give them 20 Euros in exchange for 20 Euros worth of Petrol on their card’¦ here’s hoping’¦ It is lunchtime in France after all!! Will email you later!!