Added









By Julie Balloo




























CHARACTERS: HERA

BELINDA

ANDY

TIM/KIRK

FLORA/TANIA/SONIA/WOMAN


THE SCENE IS A DOMESTIC SETTING. A WOMAN, BELINDA, EARLY THIRTIES LEANS OVER AN IRONING BOARD, FROZEN IN DUTY. THE MAN, ANDY IS SEATED, BEER IN HAND, STARING AT THE TELEVISION. THEY BOTH STAY COMPLETELY STILL. ENTER HERA, YOUNGISH AND DRESSED IN A MIDRIFT SHIRT AND HIPSTER JEANS WITH PLENTY OF BLING EVERYWHERE.


Hera: I’m Hera. Goddess of marriage, crap job I know. Well I’m only the cloud imitation of Hera, the real Hera is far too busy to look in on every miserable married couple in the world, life is long for us Goddess’s but not that long. I’m the wife and sister of Zeus, don’t ask. Most of my children were conceived without the help of a man, I simply ate lettuce, a method I can’t recommend highly enough. (She slides her hands over her body) Good for the shape and prevents STDs. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had many lovers over the years, couldn’t get enough me. I know I don’t look my age, when you get to the big 1 0 0 0 you do stop looking forward to birthdays. But, here’s a tip, I bathe in the Well of Canathus every year and bingo, my virginity returns, like magic.
All women have Goddesses looking out for them, we’ve always done it, God knows why, it’s a Goddess thing. Some women choose to heed our warnings others…well, they’ve been known to adopt selective deafness when it comes to advice. Another term is women’s intuition, no it’s not a myth. It’s very very real. But as I said, some women are susceptible to it, others are just plain bloody stupid.
Look at Belinda, tut, tut, is there no hope for that girl? We do have something in common, I’m the patron of Argos and she spends a lot of time there too.


Belinda springs into life. Hera observes.

Belinda: I’m Belinda, this is Andy. Some say we’re mismatched. Yin and Yang.

Andy: Good cop, bad cop.

Belinda: Gabriel and Lucifer.

Andy: Well maybe that’s a bit strong, but between you and me and the bedpost, compatible is not the word that springs to mind.



Hera: They met through mutual friends, the interfering sort.

FLORA AND TIME ENTER.

Flora: You should meet my friend Belinda, you’d really like her.

Tim: Not as much up top as Flora, but as fit as a butcher’s dog.

Andy: She was just like a little doll.

Belinda: A China doll with flaxen hair, dressed in a lace blouse and linen skirt, perfect for taking home and putting up high on a shelf out of harms way.

Andy: Which is exactly what I did.

Hera: Andy is outgoing and considers himself very direct, others have concluded he can be bloody rude.

Andy: If I don’t like something or someone I’ll let them know in no uncertain terms.


Belinda: When he dies his epitaph will say - ‘I’d like you to mark me down as a disgruntled customer’.

Hera: Andy didn’t laugh when he heard his wife saying that to their mutual friends, Flora and Tim.


Belinda: When Andy dies his epitaph will say – ‘I’d like you to mark me down as a disgruntled customer’.

FLORA AND TIM LAUGH, ANDY DOES NOT. THEY ALL STOP ABRUPTLY.

Andy: (To Belinda) A word please.

ANDY TAKES BELINDA ASIDE. FLORA AND TIM LOOK UNCOMFORTABLE AND STRAIN TO HEAR. HERA SIGHS.

Flora: Wonder when they’ll start a family?

Tim: Wonder if they’ll start a family.

ANDY AND BELINDA RETURN.

Flora: So, when are you two going to start a family?

Andy: It’ll happen.

Tim: You need to be in the same room mate.

FLORA AND TIM LAUGH, ANDY PRETENDS TO LAUGH, BELINDA IS HORRIFIED.

Belinda: Is it that obvious? Can everyone see the gaping divide between the two of us?


Hera: I can love.

Belinda: You can? Really? Oh dear. Who are you?

Hera: Oh here we go again. I’ve told you dear, Hera, remember, the Goddess of Marriage.

Belinda: Oh yeah, hya.

Hera: Hera!

Belinda: I mean hello. We are trying, really.

Hera: None of my business.

Belinda: But I thought..

Hera: Don’t wish to hard for what you want, you know what they say.


Andy: I work long hours Tim mate.

Tim: Then spend the next few in the pub eh?

Andy: I deserve a drink after a hard day in the office, isn’t that right Bell?

Belinda: Yeah, he’s right.

Andy: Bell doesn’t like pubs, they were always too smoky, isn’t that right Bell?

Flora: They’re not anymore.



Andy: I mainly go to watch the football results and the match and the rugby when it’s on, the cricket gets me in too, Bell isn’t one for sport are you love?

Belinda shakes her head and smiles weakly.

Tim: You don’t just go out drinking?

Belinda: No, he’s very sporty, there’s squash..

Andy: Twice a week.

Belinda: Football coaching..

Andy: The under 8’s.

Belinda: And all the charity fundraising events, don’t forget them..

Andy: We raised two grand for Cancer Research with our sponsored rugby match.


Flora/Tim: Ahhh.

Andy: But yeah, course I like the occasional drink.


Hera: They do manage to do some things together though.


FLORA AND TIM EXIT. BELINDA AND ANDY SIT ON SOFA AND WATCH TV. ANDY CLUTCHES THE REMOTE CONTROL. HE RAPIDLY FLICKS THROUGH VARIOUS PROGRAMMES, JUST AS BELINDA HAS TUNED IN, HE CHANGES AGAIN. FROM DRAMA, TO GAMESHOW, TO COMEDY TO MATCH OF THE DAY.BELINDA BEGINS TO NOD OFF.

ANDY: Go to bed Bell, look at you, you’re dribbling girl, go on.

Hera: In keeping with the national average they managed sexual intercourse two and a half times a week, the half occurred when Andy had stayed in the pub until well after closing and no amount of patient arm aching caressing could render him effective.


ANDY AND BELINDA LIE DOWN AND THE SOFA BECOMES A BED, UNDER A BLANKET THEY TRY TO SIMULATE SEX BELINDA IS EXHAUSTED AND SHOWS IT, ANDY IS SOON COMATOSE.




Hera: Don’t get me wrong, Belinda has friends, admittedly she is on the shy side and never really socialised as much as Andy, but there was the occasional lunch with the girls or visits to the gym. But for the most part Belinda preferred her own company, sometimes she wonders why she’d even got married then she remembers.


Belinda: That’s what people do.

Hera: Andy wasn’t bothered if they went out or spent any quality time together, but he certainly wanted to know exactly where she was at all times, who she was with and what she was doing.

Andy: Belinda, where are you? Who are you with? And what are you doing?


Hera: So Belinda stopped going out, it was less stressful, anything for a quiet life. I hear that a lot in my line of work.

BELINDA SITS ALOND READING A BOOK AND OCCASIONALLY LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW WHEN SHE HEARS FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.

Hera: Then it happened didn’t it?

BELINDA REVEALS HER BABY BUMP.

Andy: Oh brilliant babe, see I told you I wasn’t a jaffa.

BELINDA GOES INTO LABOUR AND SIMULATES THE BABY’S BIRTH. A VERY SQUEAMISH ANDY TRIES NOT TO LOOK. THE BABY CRIES AND ANDY PUNCHES THE AIR.

Andy: Well done old girl, what a little beauty. You rest up darling, I’m off to wet the baby’s head.

BELINDA IS LEFT HOLDING THE BABY AND ANDY IS NOW IN A NOISY PUB WITH HIS MATE TIM.

Andy: Cut the chord myself I did, nothing to it, don’t know why these women whinge on like they do, should have seen me when I had my wisdom teeth come through, now that hurt.

Tim: Cheers mate, to baby Emily!

Andy: To Emily!

SCENE FADES.

BELINDA IS NOW IN HER DRESSING GOWN AND ROCKING A PRAM.

Hera: Belinda took the required maternity leave from her office job and tried to adjust to life at home with a baby. Haven’t times changed? When I was born I was swallowed by my father as soon as I left my mother’s womb and later regurgitated when Ma got fed up of having her kids swallowed. If that wasn’t enough I was brought up by three Naiades, Nymphs of fresh waters and streams to the uninitiated or if you like, just glorified nannies in bikinis. It’s a wonder I ever bothered with kiddies myself, and my second daughter’s only Eileithyian, Goddess of Childbirth! Rebelling against me I suspect. I had my two lads, Hephaestus and Ares without the help of my hubby or any bloke for that matter, but that’s all the rage these days init?

A RATHER INNEBRIATED ANDY ENTERS AND PICKS UP EMILY AND HOLDS HER HIGH ABOVE HIS HEAD.

Andy: Hello daddy’s little girl, how’s daddy’s little angel today eh?

A LOUD BARFING NOISE INDICATES EMILY HAS VOMITED ALL OVER HIM.

Andy: Bloody Hell Bell, do something will you, fetch us a towel.

BELINDA TAKES THE BABY AND THROWS HIM A MUSLIN CLOTH.

Andy: I’ve got a presentation in the morning and I need a good nights kip, I’ll take the spare room, see you in the morning love.

ANDY SETTLES ON THE SOFA AND IMMEDIATLEY DOSES OFF, THE BABY CRIES AND BELINDA PACES THE ROOM. LIGHTS FADE TO BLACKOUT THEN FADE UP. ANDY HAS GONE BUT BELINDA IS STILL IN DRESSING GOWN WITH CRYING BABY.

Hera: Motherhood can change your life, it can blend day into night, so you don’t know which is which. Your brain turns to butter, you’ll put your mobile phone in the fridge and the cheese in your handbag. You’ll stop looking into the mirror and wearing nice clean clothes. As little fingers can wrench earrings from your ears and necklaces from your neck, Ouch! Jewellery is no longer an option. But sometimes you still have to make an effort.

Andy: Happy anniversary Belinda babe!

Belinda: What?

Andy: Don’t say you’ve forgotten? It’s our wedding anniversary and I’m taking my best girl out on the town.

Belinda: But what about Emily?

ENTER FLORA.

Flora: I’m going to baby-sit.

Belinda: What?

Flora: It’s a surprise, off you go and beautify yourself, everything will be just fine here.

Belinda: Are you sure?

Flora: Just go and enjoy yourselves.

MUSIC BLARES AND LIGHTS DEPICT A BAR. ANDY IS NECKING A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE AND BELINDA DRINKS FROM A GLASS. ANDY SWEEPS HER OFF HER FEET AND THEY DANCE, BELINDA LOOKS LIKELY SHE MAY THROW UP AND IS VERY DRUNK.

Andy: You having a good time doll?

Belinda: I think we should be heading back.

Andy: Yeah yeah, I’ll just get us another in.

FADE AND SCENE CHANGE. BACK AT HOME. ANDY AND BELINDA COLLAPSE ON THE SOFA AND BEGIN TO MAKE LOVE.

Hera: Oh Belinda you stupid girl, it doesn’t matter that you’re still breastfeeding, that’s a myth men made up so they didn’t need to bother with condoms. Mark my words you’ll regret this moment of drunken passion, mind you, you’re so off your tits you’ll probably think it was an immaculate conception. It wasn’t love and as you won’t remember a thing, it’s won’t have even been worth it.

BELINDA AND ANDY EXPERIENCE A JOINT ORGASM.


BELINDA STANDS UP TO REVEAL HER BABY BUMP WHILST STILL HOLDING BABY EMILY.

Hera: Ha ha, told you so.

BELINDA SPINS AROUND WHEN SHE FACES FRONT HER BUMP HAS GONE AND SHE NOW HOLDS TWO BABIES.

Andy: See you love have a nice day. I’m entertaining clients tonight so don’t wait up.

Belinda: Do you have to go out?

Andy: It’s business babe.

Belinda: But you went out last night and the night before that.

Andy: I deserve a break, two bloody kids in as many years, do me a favour.

ANDY EXITS.

Hera: Have you not thought of getting a childminder?

Belinda: Can’t afford one, not on the one wage.

Hera: You could go back to work.

Belinda: Still couldn’t afford it, I’d just be paying for the childcare.



Hera: Mmm, and you do have to be careful. When my husband was a baby he had a girl looking after him called Melissa. She had her own methods, instead of giving him milk she gave him honey, ruined his teeth.

Belinda: Really?


Hera: If that wasn’t enough he then got given a goat to look after him, it were cheaper than an au pair, he loved that goat he did. Milk on demand as you can imagine, mind you had to be careful with your belongings, bloody rancid beast would eat anything. When it died he had it made into a constellation, ahhh, still up there somewhere I suspect.

THE BABIES BEGIN TO CRY.

Belinda: There there Emily mummy’s here, never mind Georgie girl, everything will be alright. (Sings) The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round , the wheels on the bus go round and round all day long.

THE CRYING GETS LOUDER

Belinda: The mummies on the bus go Ssh ssh ssh, ssh, ssh, ssh, ssh ssh, the mummies, the mummies.. (She breaks down sobbing).



Andy: Bloody hell Bell, it’s bloody bedlam in here, you’ve got to get things under control girl.

Belinda: I know, I’m just so tired.

Andy: Tired? You should trying going to work for a living.

Belinda: If you could just take them once in a while, just to give me a break.

Andy: Course I will, you only have to ask.

Belinda: I am asking Andy.

Andy: I mean don’t ask as soon as I walk in the door, give a man a break. I’ll take them to the park on Saturday morning for a bit before I go to the pub for the Rugby, England and France then Ireland and Australia, don’t wait up.

Belinda: Could you put them down for me?

Andy: Now?

Belinda: Yes, now.

Andy: All right, don’t nag. Come to daddy little treasures.

THE BABIES STOP CRYING AND ANDY EXITS WITH THEM.

Hera: Thought of getting a hobby love?

Belinda: There’s no time, not enough hours in the day.

Hera: Go online, it’ll open up a whole new world for you without having to leave the house.

Belinda: Well maybe just to order the weekly shop.

Here: Well, that’s a start.

Belinda: I could check my email.

Hera: Why don’t you?

Belinda: I never really get many messages, adverts and scams and Viagra offers, no one from work ever gets in touch anymore.


Hera: Ooh get off your cross love. You remind me of the Algea, not a girl band no, a bunch of the most miserable minor Goddesses you’re ever likely meet. In fact that’s their logo, Goddesses of Pain and Misery, perlease…talk about permanent PMT. Misery begets misery love, now get your finger out and get online, who knows a miracle might occur like you smiling for once.

BELINDA GOES TO A COMPUTER AND LOGS ON. WE HEAR A FAMILIAR PING.

Voice/Over: Belinda Moore, Jenny Armitage has added you as her Facebook friend, please confirm you know Jenny Armitage.

Belinda: Yes, yes we are, well were, well I know her. How? How? Um, through work. When? Um..can’t remember. Now what? What should I do?



V/O According to Wikipedia, Facebook is a social networking website that launched in 2004. It is free and allows users to join one or more networks in order to easily connect with other people. The name refers to the paper facebooks that depict members of a campus community in American Colleges. Facebook has met with a certain amount of criticism and controversy because of privacy concerns, the politics of its founders and censorship issues.

Belinda: Right, done.


V/O View photos of Jenny, send a gift to Jenny, hug Jenny, write on Jenny’s wall, see Jenny’s Funwall, dedicate a song to Jenny, send Jenny a message, compare your friends, compare yourself with Jenny, compare yourself with Jenny, compare yourself with Jenny.

Belinda: Goodness, she looks fantastic. (Gasps) 361 friends! Oh my.

Hera: A word of warning Bell. I used to be a little on the jealous side myself, which is why poor but lovely and beautiful Side, wife of Orion now dwells in the stinky, old Underworld. Bitchy I know but I was very hormonal yeah, and there she was giving it all ‘I’m so fine, why everyone one desires me, my Orion just can’t keep his hands off me’. So down she went and down she still is, there’s a no return policy. So I’m telling you girl, don’t get all bitter and twisted, the only person you’ll be hurting is yourself and whoever you’ve sent to burn alive for all eternity of course, but don’t dwell on that bad stuff it’ll only bring you down. Ok?

Belinda: Okay, let’s get started, a photo of me, mmm, how’s this one?

A LIFE SIZED BACKDROP APPEARS WITH A CUT OUT IN THE TOP LEFT SIDE. BELINDA POPS BEHIND AND POSES UNTIL SHE SETTLES ON AN IMAGE.

ENTER ANDY.

Andy: You what? Facebook’s for losers.

Belinda: It’s only Jenny from work, she was just wondering what I was up to, haven’t seen her in ages.

Andy: Nah, take it from me, it’s for people who can’t be arsed to make themselves a decent Myspace page, anyway this whole internet virtual social life is just for kids, go out and meet some real friends if you’re that lonely.

Belinda: How can I do that?

Andy: I’ll baby-sit, go out with your mates, meet this Jenny whoever, have a girls night out, I don’t mind.

Belinda: Course he bloody minds.


Andy: Course I bloody mind.

Belinda: It’s all right, I don’t want to go out.

Andy: I want you to go out.

Belinda: I don’t want to go out.

Andy: Go out if you want.

Belinda: No.

Andy: Go!

THE BABIES CRY.

Belinda: No.

Andy: Oh bugger this, I’m off out.

ANDY EXITS. THE CRYING FADES AND BELINDA SITS UP AT HER COMPUTER.


Hera: So Belinda didn’t go out, she stayed in and met people online. She didn’t have to dress up or get her hair done. People she hadn’t seen or heard from in years began contacting her, friends from college, from school, a girl she’d once met while travelling in France. They’d hitch hiked from Avignon to Paris, sharing bread, brie and red wine.

Tania: Belinda? Is that you? How are you? It’s been years. Every time I eat brie with red wine I think of that day.

Belinda: Everytime? Goodness. There’s people out there thinking about me, wondering what I’m up to. I like that.

ANDY ENTERS AND WATCHES HIS WIFE TIP TAPPING AWAY.

Andy: You’ll end up wearing glasses if you go on that bloody thing much longer.

Belinda: Dinner won’t be long love, give us a minute.

ANDY SITS DOWN AND OPENS A BEER AND WATCHES TELLY.



Hera: Oh dear there’s no stopping her now. I know what it’s like to be obsessed with something. When that little slaggy nymph Echo starting shaking her booty at my husband I could not get the image out of my mind. So I numbed her tongue to stop her speaking for all eternity, she pissed me off, so sue me.

V/O: Superpoke somebody, throw a cow at someone, give massive respect to someone, buy your friends a round of drinks. Send a meaningless photo of a doe eyed kitten for them to forward so that nothing at all will happen. Check your horoscope.

BELINDA DRAMATISES THE ACTIONS.

V/O: Aquarius - Belinda, You are planning an upcoming outing when you realise that two of the people you wanted to get together are fighting like cats and dogs.

Belinda, Kate has posted on your Funwall.

Kate: Check this out, is it for real? Bloody funny if it is.

THERE IS A RECTANGULAR GAP IN THE BACKDROP, A WOMAN APPEARS AND SINGS A SONG VERY BADLY IN AN X FACTOR STYLE AUDITION THEN FAINTS.

Belinda: Ha, got to see that again.

THE WOMAN REPEATS THE SONG AND COLLAPSE.



Hera: Hey Belinda, why not join the ‘I got off my face and added you as a friend even though I know you hate the sight of me’ group?

Belinda: Ok.


Hera: Remember there’s an etiquette, you might add someone who doesn’t want to be your virtual friend, who in fact wants you to mind your own bloody business.

THIS IS DRAMATISED BY THE BACKDROP. A WOMAN REACTS BADLY TO BEING ADDED BY BELINDA AND PULLS A FACE AND SHAKES HER HEAD.

Woman: Ignore!


Hera: Hey don’t take it personally, oh I forgot, it is personal, sorry. And don’t try and add anyone famous, it’s not really them just some sad fuck pretending to be them, go on try and add Madonna, see how far you get.

BELINDA TAPS AWAY.

Belinda: Oh, damn.

V/O: You have no friends online in the past five minutes.

Hera: It’s a Saturday night Belinda, get a life.

V/O: You have no friends online.

Hera: Even your husband’s gone out and left you alone.

V/O: You have no friends online, you have no friends online, you have no friends, you have no friends, you have no friends, you have no, no, no, no!

BABIES CRY.

Belinda: I’m coming, mummy’s coming. Ssh, ssh.

CRYING FADES.

Hera: Those early years aren’t easy, I know. Don’t make my mistakes Belinda. I wasn’t too bad with my kids or step kids, but woe betide the bastard offspring of my husband, why do you think Hercules had to go through the 12 labours? I made him do it.


BELINDA COMES BACK AND SITS AT COMPUTER AND LOGS ON.

Belinda: (Gasps) No.

KIRK APPEARS IN THE PHOTO HOLE ON THE PROFILE BACKDROP, HE HOLDS UP A SIGN BEARING HIS NAME. KIRK MANNING.

Kirk: Belinda, how lovely to find you. Please be my friend.


Belinda: Kirk Manning! Confirm/ignore, confirm/ignore, confirm/ignore.

Kirk: Go on Belinda, add me, add me.

Hera: Who is this guy?

Belinda: Kirk Manning.

Hera: This I know, but who is he to you girl?

Belinda: Kirk Manning. Kirk Manning.

Hera: Snap out of it! (Clicks her fingers)

Belinda: Just after college I shared a flat with an Australian girl, Sonia, very extrovert and loud.

Sonia: (Sings very loudly) Oh no, we’ve run out of milk?

Belinda: She was always slamming doors and singing.

FX DOORS SLAM, MORE SINGING.

Hera: Like an episode of Neighbours come to life.

Belinda: Yeah. Kirk Manning was her on/off boyfriend. I haven’t seen or heard from him in over ten years.

Hera: Did you ever?

Belinda: No!

Hera: Did you ever want to?

Belinda: No!

Hera: Liar!

Belinda: Yes! No!

Kirk: Yes, it’s me. How are you? I heard you got married, everything ok?

BELINDA GETS CLOSER TO THE PROFILE BACKDROP AND STROKES HIS FACE THROUGH THE HOLE.

Belinda: God, he’s so gorgeous. I can’t believe he even remembers me.

Kirk: Of course I remember you, you were always such a sweetie, nice and calm compared to Sonia.

Sonia: FUCK! THERE’S NO VEGEMITE!

V/O: Add Sonia as your friend. Compare yourself with Sonia.

Belinda: What’s he doing now?

Kirk: I’m exhibiting, check out the pictures in my album. You can’t help but notice how trendy, cool and interesting all my friends are eh?

Belinda: Oh my God, his friends are all so trendy, cool and interesting. What will they think of me? Legend Marr, filmmaker and Flash co-ordinator, Jax Darra, Improviser and party organiser and look how Connie Kahn has turned out? Crime novelist and women’s activist, wow!

ANDY ENTERS DRUNK.

Andy: Hello babe, had a good evening? (Hic)

Belinda: Kirk Manning.

Andy: You what?

Belinda: Err, you stink of beer.

Andy: Indeed I do. What a beautiful aroma, come here Bell.

ANDY OPENS HIS ARMS FOR HER.

Belinda: I’m going to bed.

Andy: Me too babe.

Belinda: To sleep!

Andy: Oh.

ANDY COLLAPSES INTO A DRUNKEN STUPOR ON THE SOFA AND SNORES FOR ENGLAND. BELINDA TUTS AND EXITS.

FADE TO BLACKOUT. LIGHTS UP.

BELINDA IS LOGGED ON.

Kirk: I can’t believe you’ve got two kids.

Belinda: I have all right, two girls, Emily and Georgina.

Kirk: Emily and Georgina.

Belinda: That’s them.

Kirk: What does your husband do?

Belinda: Oh office work, you know?

Kirk: What’s his name again?

Belinda: Huh?

Kirk: His name?

Belinda: Oh, Andy, and your wife?

Kirk: Not married.

Belinda: Girlfriend?

Kirk: Nope, still recovering from Sonia.

Belinda: You mean getting over?

Kirk: No, recovering. Where are you living these days?

Belinda: Here.

Kirk: Really?

Belinda: Yeah.

Kirk: That’s about a quarter of a mile from mine.

Belinda: No.

Kirk: Let’s meet for coffee.

Belinda: No.

Kirk: Just a coffee,be great to see you and catch up properly. Come to the gallery, see my latest collection.

Belinda: No.

Kirk: Are you sure?

Belinda: No.

Kirk: See you Wednesday.

Belinda: Yes.


Hera: Hey, wait up. Uh uh. What kind of Goddess of Marriage would I be if I stood by and let you go off for coffee with a single guy you really fancy, huh?


Belinda: I don’t fancy him.

Hera: He’s an artist yeah?


Belinda: Yeah, he exhibits all over the world and does lots of graphic illustrations too.

Hera: He’s into adoration Bell, he needs approval this one, he will toy with you my girl.

Belinda: Don’t be stupid.

Hera: Steady, Goddess, respect.

Belinda: I’ve always admired his work, he’s always been very self effacing, he won’t have changed.

Hera: Oh stop the press, you don’t fancy the hunky,, world famous artist.

Belinda: No.

Hera: You’re not going to meet him, I can’t permit it.

Belinda: You don’t have to know about it.

Hera: I’m a Goddess, dur, all seeing, all being,all knowing, why do you think I have such a fierce some reputation? I have destroyed my own loved ones when they have angered me. I demand respect at all times. You will heed me girl or I will go bitchcakes on you!

Belinda: Just checking.

BELINDA DASHES TO THE COMPUTER AND LOGS ON, TIP TAPPING.

V/O: Kirk has posted on your funwall. Click here to see Kirk’s post.

Belinda: Kirk! What’s this then?

THE BACKDROP IS LIT ON THE FUNWALL. AN OPTIC ILLUSION IS HELD UP, IT MOVES AROUND IN CIRCLES INCREASING IN SPEED. A VOICE/OVER SAYS – LOOK AWAY NOW!

BELINDA LOOKS AWAY WHEN SHE TURNS BACK A SIGN COMES UP SAYING BOO!

Belinda: Oh Kirk.

BELINDA CHANGES INTO SOMETHING NICE AND DOES HER HAIR AND MAKEUP.



Hera: That’s more like it, you need to make an effort for your old man Andy, Belinda, bling up, otherwise he is going to stray. Mind you my Zeus did not need no excuse, he just couldn’t keep it in his tunic, which is why he’s fathered more kids than Jack Nicholson and Eddie Murphy put together.

Belinda: Bye.

Hera: Where you going girl? Come back here you cheap ho, don’t you leave this house, why if you leave this house I’m going to..

BELINDA EXITS.

Hera: Nobody listens to me anymore, God forbid we have another battle of Troy.


SCENE CHANGES TO CAFÉ. KIRK ENTERS AND AIR KISSES BELINDA.

Kirk: You haven’t changed a bit Bell, you look beautiful.

Belinda: You too, I mean you look the same.

Kirk: Are you going back to work?

Belinda: Not just yet.

Kirk: Didn’t you want to go into design?

Belinda: What?

Kirk: Interior design, that was you wasn’t it?

Belinda: Yes, didn’t end up..well. Went into recruitment advertising, then got married and the kids, you know, life goes on, eh?

Kirk: As long as you’re happy Belinda.

Belinda: Of course, I am, things just don’t always go to plan.


Kirk: If you’re not happy you should do something about it.

Belinda: I am.

Kirk: Like what?

Belinda: I am happy I mean.

Kirk: Good. All I’m saying is it’s never too late to achieve your ambitions.

Belinda: I’m a mother now.

Kirk: You’re a woman too.

BELINDA LETS OUT A LITTLE CRY.

Kirk: Belinda, are you ok?

Belinda: (Trying not to cry) Yes.

Kirk: Are you sure?

Belinda: Yes. Just going to loo.

BELINDA QUICKLY EXITS. KIRK’S PHONE RINGS AND HE TAKES A CALL. ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STAGE BELINDA TRIES TO COMPOSE HERSELF.

Belinda: What a fool, God, he must think I’m mad. Oh what is wrong with me? Calm down, calm down. Right.

BELINDA REJOINS KIRK.

Kirk: I’ll call you later, bye.(Puts his phone away) So, you’re back.

THEY STARE AT EACH OTHER A MOMENT. HE PUTS HIS ARMS OUT TO HER.


Kirk: Hey Bell, what is it babe? Oh come here have a hug.

THEY HUG, NOT AT ALL SEXUAL BUT VERY COSY. HERA APPEARS.

Hera: Oh no. How is this going to look on my report. I am such a crap marriage Goddess. Is it any wonder Zeus used to get so peed off with me.

Kirk: I got to rush Bell, lovely to see you, let’s do it again, soon eh?


Hera: Pretty soon they were chatting on the phone and texting to and forth, talking about this and that and nothing in particular. But she no longer wore stained t-shirts and track suit bottoms. No, she took time getting dressed even when there was no time. She wore makeup and tight jeans that flattered her newly dieted to fit body. She wheeled them babies out in that big double buggy no matter the weather, just to walk by that swish gallery and press her piggy nose against the window. Most times he weren’t even there and if he was she ran away and hid because she had them screaming kids with her.

FX BABIES SCREAM.

Hera: Classic, obsessive stalker behaviour. She had her hair cut and dyed her roots to match the rest of her hair. Andy didn’t seem to notice, but then why would he, it’s not like he was around much.

Andy: You seem happy.

Belinda: Do I?

Andy: Have you lost weight?

Belinda: No, don’t think so.

Andy: You look like you have.

THE BABIES START TO CRY.

Hera: Oh God, talk about high chairs of misery.

Andy: See you later then, there’s a leaving do tonight, so don’t wait up.

ANDY EXITS.

Hera: You are playing with fire my girl.

Belinda: No.

Hera: (Mimics in whiny voice) No.

Belinda: I could never be unfaithful to my husband.

Hera: It don’t just have to be physical you know missy?

Belinda: I just enjoy Kirk’s company, talking to him, being with him, he makes me feel like I’m someone else, someone I could’ve been.

Hera: Woulda, shoulda, coulda.

Belinda: I just like when he calls or texts, just acknowledges that I exist, Andy couldn’t care less.

Hera: You don’t know that.

Belinda: Yes I do.

Hera: Then tell him about this wonderful Mr Kirk Manning, tell him you two are just friends, go on tell him.

Belinda: No, I couldn’t. I can’t.

Hera: Seems there’s a lot of things you can’t do.

A TEXT MESSAGE ALERT SOUNDS ON BELINDA’S PHONE.

Kirk: It’s my birthday on Friday, I’m having drinks in town, details to follow.

Hera: Now what you going to do lady?

Belinda: I’m not going.

Hera: Course not.

Belinda: I’ll make an excuse, babysitters, late notice, busy, busy, busy.

Kirk: Oh please say you’ll come, I’d love to see you, bring Anthony if you like.

Belinda: Who?

Kirk: Your husband.

Belinda: No!

Kirk: Please come.


SCENE CHANGES. BELINDA IS GETTING DOLLED UP.

Hera: You look like a right minging whore.

Belinda: Not bad.

Andy: A mum’s night out you say?

Belinda: Yeah, at an Indian not far.

Hera: Liar, liar, pants on fire.

Belinda: Won’t be late.

Hera: Burning knickers, ouch, ouch, ouch!

Andy: About time you had a treat, off you trot love, have a good one.

Hera: I is warning you lady, big mistake!

ANDY KISSES HER BUT SHE PULLS AWAY.

WINE BAR ATMOS. MUSIC, DARKNESS. PEOPLE DANCING.

Kirk: Bell, you came, hi babe.

KIRK PULLS HER TO HIM AND THEY KISS ,THEN DANCE. LIGHTS CHANGE AND A RATHER WORSE FOR THE WEAR BELINDA STAGGERS BACK HOME. SHE ENTERS TO FIND ANDY SLUMPED ON THE SOFA, THE TELLY ON AND THE BABIES IN HIS ARMS.

Hera: What time do you call this slut?

Belinda: (Gasps) Ssh.

Hera: This is your family woman, what you doing dancing and necking with some boy across town? You is asking for grief. When ever I misbehaved, my Zeus would throw thunderbolts at me, and Man I got to tell you they frigging hurt.

Belinda: Oh look at them.

Hera: You look at them lady. They are your family.

Belinda: Oh God, I’m so wicked.

Hera: This is what I’ve been saying all along.

Belinda: I belong here.

Hera: Yeah, aha.

Belinda: I shouldn’t be out dancing with other men.

Hera: No.

BELINDA ALLOWS HERSELF TO RELIVE THE GLORIOUS MOMENT SHE WAS WRAPPED IN KIRK’S ARMS.

Hera: Stop it now! Stop those fantasies or I’ll do something you’ll regret. You forget all about this silly boy, you hear, you let go now, let go!

Belinda: Ok.

BELINDA SCOOPS UP THE GIRLS AND EXITS.

SCENE CHANGE. BELINDA IS LOGGED ON TO COMPUTER. TIP TAPPING AWAY.

Belinda: I don’t care really, I mean, it’s just general interest, nothing more.

V/O: Kirk is attending Rick and Fran’s wedding, Kirk is attending The Big Expo Party, Kirk is feeling soooo good! Status –Kirk is hung over.

Belinda: Why? why? Why? Why? Where’s he been, who has he been with.


BABIES CRY.

V/O: Kirk is in Madrid attending the opening of Nico’s exhibition.

Belinda: Why is he having so much fun while I’m stuck here wiping up baby snot and scooping up shitty nappies.

V/O: Kirk is attending Miranda’s birthday evening of cocktails and enticement.

Belinda: What if?

Hera: It happens honey.

Belinda: What?

Hera: What if he meets and falls in love with the woman of his dreams? A young, pretty thing without a care in the world other than him. She’s got the latest handbag and two tickets for Glastonbury?

Belinda: This is driving me mad.

Hera: I warned you and believe me I’ve seen mad.

Belinda: Really mad?

Hera: You ever seen an angry Gorgon?

Belinda: A what?

Hera: Gorgons. Snakes for hair, buttaz bitches, you turn to stone if you look at them and the noise, like a bad televised talent show on full volume.

Belinda: He’s taking over my night dreams and my day dreams.

Hera: Don’t let him, banish him.

Belinda: Yes. I’ll switch off the notification and stop compulsively checking his profile.

BELINDA WALKS UP TO THE BACKDROP, KIRK SMILES FROM THE PEEPHOLE.

Belinda: I’m not interested anymore, you hear, couldn’t care less. I’m not checking for messages, I’m not texting you, you no longer exist, do you hear, you no longer exist!

Kirk: Hope you’re well love, liking your new picture.

Belinda: (sighs) I’ll do something else.


V/O: Help fight global warming, look after your green patch. Take a quiz, how crazy are you? Which Spice Girl are you? What’s your favourite sexual position.

THESE FACEBOOK ACTIVITIES ARE DRAMATISED BY THE COMPANY WHILE BELINDA REACTS.



Hera: The writing’s on the wall, your profile wall as it happens.

V/O: Kirk is going away for business.

Belinda: At last, good, things can get back to normal.

Andy: There’s no clean socks, bloody hell Bell, where are me socks?

Belinda: Coming.

Andy: Footie tonight babe, don’t wait up.

Belinda: I’ve exorcised him from my mind. He’s gone. I’m going to concentrate on my family. There’s nothing between us anyway, it was all just nothing.

Hera: You were just projecting.

Belinda: What do you mean?

Hera: Kirk was holding up a mirror and reflecting the deficiencies in your relationship with Andy.

Belinda: Why would he do that?

Hera: Not literally you dumb ass. He was just being himself and you was reading all sorts of crap into your relationship.

Belinda: I was?

Hera: You so were. I see this all the time. It’s mainly women, but when it’s the men you got to be real careful, cause then they can turn nasty and mean and well, the police have to get involved and that can mean restraining orders.

Belinda: Kirk wouldn’t do that to me.

Hera: No, you’re not a psycho stalker, not yet anyway.

Belinda: I’m not.

Hera: Honey, you are one hot plate away from bunny boiler, trust me, this has to stop.

Belinda: It will.

Hera: He doesn’t want you, he doesn’t love you, he doesn’t even see you in that way.

Belinda: Are you sure?

Hera: Has he told you otherwise?

Belinda: Not in so many words..

Hera: Not in any words, stop making a fool of yourself and think of your family.

Belinda: You’re right, I’ve been an idiot.

Hera: That’s more like it.

Belinda: But there was a chemistry..

Hera: Shut it!

Belinda: An emotional connection..

Hera: Enough!

SCENE CHANGES, BELINDA IS LOGGED ON, TIP TAPPING, SHE SUDDENLY REACTS WITH SHOCK.

V/O: You have been poked by Andy.

Belinda: No! No, he can’t come in here, this is my world, go, go, get out! Damn, what will I do.

V/O: Poke Andy back, ignore Andy, Poke Andy, ignore, poke, ignore, poke. You have poked Andy back. Add Andy as a friend? Add Andy, add Andy, add, add, add.

ANDY ENTERS. BELINDA JUMPS UP AND STARTS TO TIDY.

Andy: You all right love?

Belinda: Yeah, you?


Andy: Yeah, all right.


Belinda: Just taking the girls for a walk, see you in a bit.

BELINDA EXITS. ANDY WATCHES THEN LOGS ONTO THE COMPUTER.TIP TAPS AWAY.

Andy: Well, well, well. Only 17 friends, Christ, what a saddo . What a bunch of tossers, advertising where they’re going and when and who with, bloody hell, talk about handing a burglar an opportunity on a plate.


Hera: Oh, this is not looking good.


Andy: What the fuck is this then?



BELINDA AND KIRK APPEAR BY THE BACK DROP KISSING AND DANCING AS THEY WERE AT THE PARTY.



Andy: Belinda tagged at Kirk’s birthday party!!! Who the fuck is Kirk? What’s the date? Jesus Christ! The night when instead of joining the lads for pint, I’d come home especially early to baby-sit so she could go to a bleeding girl’s night out. Girl’s night out my arse! He’s kissing her! He’s holding her in his arms? Who is this cunt?

Hera: Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Andy: The lying bitch. I’ll have her for this, she’ll be sorry she dared to make a bloody fool out of me.

ANDY LOOKS LIKE HE MIGHT LITERALLY EXPLODE.


Andy: I’ll let her stew, wait and pounce that’s the plan. Lying, scheming, cheating slag. I’m not telling anyone about this, just act normal, but she’s not getting away with this, no chance, I’ll kill them both if I have to.

ANDY PUNCHES THE NEAREST FURNITURE. THEN RETURNS TO COMPUTER.

Andy: What a load of shit.

V/o: Kelly has bought her a drink.

Jane has thrown a snowball at her.

Debbie has hugged her.


Andy: What’s this then? Latent lesbian tendencies? That I could forgive, might even join in.

ANDY STARES AT KIRK AND BELINDA IN AN EMBRACE. KIRK AND BELINDA BREAK AWAY FROM THE EMBRACE. BELINDA LOOKS LIKE SHE’S MADE A DECISION, KIRK IS DISTRACTED BY HIS PHONE AND TAKES A CALL. KIRK EXITS.

Belinda: This can’t go on.

Hera: No it can’t. What if Andy found out?

Belinda: There’s nothing to find out.

Hera: Isn’t there?

Belinda: I can’t lose my family, I have to make the most of things, we both have to. We’ll go to counselling, we’ll sort this out. I won’t have any contact with Kirk anymore. It’s not right. I feel stronger already, more righteous, good things happen to righteous people, right?

Hera: Don’t bank on it.

Belinda: Andy’s been even colder than usual, what if..

Hera: He knows?

Belinda: He does?

Hera: It’s only a matter of time.

Belinda: Why?

Hera: You added him.

Belinda: So? Oh no, Oh God!

Hera: Calm down sister, nothing happened right?

Belinda: Right.

Hera: But you walking around like a zombie, so distracted and distanced from your reality, your real life, your family, you are courting disaster my girl.

Belinda: You’re right, I know that.

Hera: Chill then. End this nonsense before it’s too late. Listen to me and you can’t go wrong, I am your instinct, your intuition, your guide.

Belinda: It’s over, whatever it was, the fever has passed, I promise you.

Hera: You got to be so careful with these obsessions, Ixion had such a thing for Hera, he ended up get down and dirty with one of the minor cloud imitations and only fathering a baby, a baby centaur I might add, but still a baby and a major embarrassment.


Andy: Where did it all go wrong eh? Damn! Bloody damn! Is it too late, can we turn things around. I have been a bit of an asshole, I’ll admit that. I mean it can’t be easy looking after two little uns, day in day out. I’ve read that somewhere. I could come home earlier, help with the supper, get the kids off to sleep, share a bottle of wine with her, talk about our day, any problems we have, that’s what adults do, they get married, mortgaged, reproduce get old and die. Hell, we’re adults, we can do that.


Belinda: I’ve not been fair to Andy, we’ve had some good times, we could again. I could drop the kids round at a friends, go to the shops cook something really nice for dinner, we’ll talk we’ll sort this out.

Hera: Atta girl.


Andy: I know, I’ll come home early, surprise her. Tell her I wasn’t snooping but I saw the photo and what the hell was she playing at?


Belinda: I’ll tell him I’m unhappy, lonely, that we have to work harder together because it’s not just about us anymore, we’ve two beautiful little girls to think of.

Andy: I’ll say I was bloody angry at first, who wouldn’t be but maybe , just maybe..we’re a family, they’re my family.

Belinda: I’ve been a bloody idiot. What was I thinking of? Kirk isn’t interested in me in that way, how could he be?

Andy: I’ll help put the kids to bed and tell her I know I’ve been a useless bastard and though I’m damned angry she lied to me, I want to sort things out, can we please just do that?



Belinda: I’ll stop being so obsessive about the computer, I’ll do a course, retrain, get a part time job, the kids will be in nursery soon, this is just a blip, we can get through this.

Hera: Ahh, don’t you love a happy ending? Thing is as Belinda drove down to the shops to get something special to cook for supper, she got a bit distracted.

BELINDA STANDS CENTRE STAGE, SUDDENLY SHE NOTICES SOMETHING AND LOOKS AWAY.

Hera: Belinda! Concentrate!

Belinda: Oh my God! Kirk!

Hera: Belinda, listen to me, heed me, I am your own personal Marriage Goddess, your guide, better than going to Relate, I come to you, all hours. I am your instinct, your intuition, women need me, listen to me.

Belinda: Kirk!













Hera: She’s approaching the roundabout at the top of the high street. She hadn’t meant to feel it, but it crept up on her, her whole body tingled, it was love, passion, desire, something she knew she didn’t feel for Andy. No amount of cooking romantic suppers and talking and reasoning with her husband was going to make her feel as good as just seeing Kirk in the distance had. I tried to tell her, BELINDA FORGET HIM, HE’S NOT WORTH IT! But you know what she’s like, bloody stubborn woman. She wants to to change her life.

Belinda: I can change my life.

Hera: Become the become the woman that Kirk will adore.


Belinda: Become someone Kirk will adore.


Hera: Kirk hasn’t just added her to his online life, he’d crashed into her entire life, he’s made her feel alive and wanted and utterly desired.

Belinda: Oh Kirk, I need you.



Hera: But sadly her joy was short lived for having seen Kirk meant she did not see the Number 19 heading straight for her and forgetting the highway code for just an instant she didn’t give way to her right, doh! BELINDA! Tut, so the bus ploughed straight into her little Nissan Micra, crumpling it up like discarded wrapping paper..

FX MASSIVE CRASH SOUND. BELINDA LIES DEATHLY STILL ON THE GROUND, ANDY STANDS OVER HER, CLUTCHING THE BABIES.



Hera: Kirk moved abroad and started a family with a much younger woman he met at an Art conference, he’d be terribly shocked if he ever found out what an impact he’d had on Belinda’s life.

ANDY SITS AT THE COMPUTER AND LOGS ON.

Andy keeps up her profile as a tribute, each day he updates her status, she is happy, she is busy, she is shopping, she is drinking lattes and nibbling gingerbread, she is tired, she is bored, but he never ever ever does he write Belinda is dead.

ANDY AND BELINDA LOOK UP SHOCKED AT THE REALISATION. TIM AND FLORA JOIN THEM IN SHOCK.





V/O: Facebook's founder Mark Zuckerberg has issued an open letter of apology, along with an update to the company's controversial "News Feed" and "Mini-Feed" features, that will allow users greater controls on personal privacy issues. The move was in response to a Facebook Boycott that was called by users in response to the feeds. Many users found the feature to be an invasion of their privacy, and more than 500,000 signed an online petition against it. According to Zuckerberg, "the new privacy page will allow you to choose which types of stories go into your Mini-Feed and your friends' News Feeds, and it also lists the type of actions Facebook will never let any other person know about."
News Feed and Mini-Feed will never publish stories about:
Pokes
Messages
Whose profile you view
Whose photos you view
Whose notes you read
Groups and Events you decline to join
People you reject as friends
People you remove from your friends
Notes and photos you delete
News Feed and Mini-Feed may publish stories about:
Things you add to your profile
Photos you upload or are tagged in
Notes you write or are tagged in
Groups you join or create
Events you create or attend
Networks you've joined
Status updates


Hera: For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Consequences, yeah, consequences. We can’t go round blaming this and that and living in a world of if onlys. We have to accept responsibility for our actions, always, accept and respect their power. And for you ladies out there, always always listen to your damned Goddess. This is why I am here. Anyway, I got a hot date with a new God, just been promoted, Webitus, a cloud imitation of Sir Timothy Berners-Lee, creator of the World Wide Web and God of all things in Cyber Space, should be fun, see ya, bless.


FX NEWSREPORTS ABOUT VARIOUS NETWORKING SITES. IE. MAN SACKED FROM ARGOS FOR SETTING UP ANTI ARGOS GROUP. TEEN SUICIDES,ETC.


The End.