“John, I’m sorry, but I refuse. No, No and No. I'm not dressing up as a mummy; there’s no way I’m getting smothered in bandages in front of the whole department. I’m drawing a line, a big thick red one, just here, and I’m not crossing it.”

“Don’t be a stick in the mud.”

“John, people stopped saying stick in the mud about the same time that Enid Blyton’s first ever book was first published.”

“Just bandages around your head then?”

“Not in my job description.”

“Arm then. An arm bandage or a sling for say, when you slip on the wet floor?”

“Okay, okay one sling and all my drinks bought for me on the next work do?”

“Deal” beams John.

One week earlier...

“Morning John,” we say in unison.

“Morning Gang, have you seen the counter on my web page? It’s nearly at 500. That’s brilliant it means that nearly all the staff have read it. Brilliant. Fantabulous. Wonderarama. Health & Safety will be followed, if they take in what they read.”

I try desperately not to stare at Dan, but catch his eye anyway, and we both burst out laughing. We’d spend the best part of yesterday pressing F5 or refresh to inflate his counter figures. By our reckoning only about ten people (who weren’t Dan or me) have viewed the web page.

“You gits, poor John,” whispers Hilary.

“It makes him happy,” I whisper back and then burst out laughing again.

“Okay gang, listen up, how about we put on some funny, hilarious play to really get the Health & Safety message across?”

“Definite no from me,” says Hilary

“Good idea, but I’m far too shy, unlike her,” Dan says pointing at me.

“No, I’m actually very shy. Also, Dan wants to know if you want to go round his house tonight, he’s invited all the other lads?” I retort.

“Fab, defo Dan, what time?”

“Six,” he says giving me a beady evil. “Weren’t you in a play at university?”

“Oh yes, you were, weren’t you? Think I’ve found my leading lady,” says John dancing the locomotion into his office.

Two weeks later...

“Quick! Clumsy Clare and Rule-Breaker Ruth are actually the same person, and she’s coming this way!”

“Fuck off Dan.”

“That was comedy genius.”

“Fuck off Dan.”

“Was it deliberate when John stood on your foot?”

“Fuck off Dan.”

“I was so terrified when the careless cleaner forgot to add the fantabulous wet floor sign. So glad you only broke your arm. Could’ve been so much worse.”

“Fuck off Dan.”

“And, I mean Good Gladys was brilliant when the fire alarm went off, but Rule Breaker Ruth,” Hard laughter “going back to get her mobile, well that’s just rule-breaking crazy…”

“Dan,” I interrupt, “does John know that your Friday lads’ night is a weekly occurrence?”

“I’ll never mention it again.”