Craziest Thing I`ve Ever Heard
by 
Mellers
|
Posted: Sunday, June 3, 2007 Word Count: 394 Summary: Stephen Colbert saves his most "blood vessel bursting affronts to American values" for a segment called... |
Heroes, set phasers to "outrage" for something I call:
“The Craziest Thing I’ve Ever Heard!”
According to the BBC, a pair of flamingos have become foster parents after adopting an abandoned chick at a wildfowl sanctuary in Gloucestershire, England.
Now there's nothing unusual in that you may think, but prepare to be enraged, Nation.
Wildfowl and Wetlands Trust spokeswoman Jane Waghorn said, quote:
"Fernando and Carlos are a same sex couple who have been known to steal other flamingos' eggs by chasing them off their nest because they wanted to rear them themselves”
Same sex? Now folks, surprisingly these aren’t pink flamingos, but Greater Flamingos – although perhaps they should be called “Flaming-ingos” since apparently same sex flamingo couples aren’t that rare. Said Ms Waghorn, quote:
"If there aren't enough females or they don't hit it off with them, flamingos will pair off with other males”
Nation, this proves what we knew all along - being gay is a choice – like, say, joining the military.
But I’m sorry, Fernando and Carlos – pairing up with another guy just because there’s no female tail-feather around? That’s not a relationship! That’s what’s called “settling”! That’s like…a deal you make on a drunken night with one of your gal pals, when you say…”Hey! If we’re not married by the time we’re 30 we’ll marry each other!”, and then you get to 29 and 11 months and you look at each other and realise neither of you are married yet, and you hope your gal pal thought that it was all a joke and she doesn’t really want to get married, and then on your 30th birthday another friend reminds you both of that drunken night years ago and you laugh and your gal pal doesn’t, and next thing you know you’re in a wedding tux having your photograph taken in front of a church, and you look over at your best man who’s organising a hunting trip with the limousine driver and you realise this is it – it’s all babies and nagging from here on in and you’ll never get to pitch a tent with your buddy again!
STEPHEN "WEEPS"
GATHERS HIMSELF TOGETHER
TO CAMERA
I love you, honey!
Anyway, somebody better get these birds some counselling pretty damn quick, because two dude flamingos sharing a nest?
That’s The Craziest Thing I’ve Ever Heard!
“The Craziest Thing I’ve Ever Heard!”
According to the BBC, a pair of flamingos have become foster parents after adopting an abandoned chick at a wildfowl sanctuary in Gloucestershire, England.
Now there's nothing unusual in that you may think, but prepare to be enraged, Nation.
Wildfowl and Wetlands Trust spokeswoman Jane Waghorn said, quote:
"Fernando and Carlos are a same sex couple who have been known to steal other flamingos' eggs by chasing them off their nest because they wanted to rear them themselves”
Same sex? Now folks, surprisingly these aren’t pink flamingos, but Greater Flamingos – although perhaps they should be called “Flaming-ingos” since apparently same sex flamingo couples aren’t that rare. Said Ms Waghorn, quote:
"If there aren't enough females or they don't hit it off with them, flamingos will pair off with other males”
Nation, this proves what we knew all along - being gay is a choice – like, say, joining the military.
But I’m sorry, Fernando and Carlos – pairing up with another guy just because there’s no female tail-feather around? That’s not a relationship! That’s what’s called “settling”! That’s like…a deal you make on a drunken night with one of your gal pals, when you say…”Hey! If we’re not married by the time we’re 30 we’ll marry each other!”, and then you get to 29 and 11 months and you look at each other and realise neither of you are married yet, and you hope your gal pal thought that it was all a joke and she doesn’t really want to get married, and then on your 30th birthday another friend reminds you both of that drunken night years ago and you laugh and your gal pal doesn’t, and next thing you know you’re in a wedding tux having your photograph taken in front of a church, and you look over at your best man who’s organising a hunting trip with the limousine driver and you realise this is it – it’s all babies and nagging from here on in and you’ll never get to pitch a tent with your buddy again!
STEPHEN "WEEPS"
GATHERS HIMSELF TOGETHER
TO CAMERA
I love you, honey!
Anyway, somebody better get these birds some counselling pretty damn quick, because two dude flamingos sharing a nest?
That’s The Craziest Thing I’ve Ever Heard!