Our football club committee
is the object of derision –
A bunch of useless tossers
who can’t make a joint decision.

We meet each month and waffle on
till half past bloody ten,
deciding why things can’t be done,
and then go home again.

But then, throughout the next three weeks,
we usually discover,
Members in their little cliques
all slagging-off each other:

“Who said to cut the bloody grass?”
“Who authorised the beer?”
“If someone else would shift their arse
we’d have a great club here!”

“We ought to sack the Manager
and tell him that he’s shite.
Who’s it to be? – don’t look at me,
I’ll end up in a fight”

“I’m not prepared to pay my subs –
It’s down there in the Rules…
‘Committee Members of the club
don’t contribute at all’

I’ll just ignore the Treasurer’s pleas
and treat him with contempt.
I’ll tell him when he wants my fees
‘The Rules say I’m exempt’.

It must be his fault anyway
that finances are down,
and we’re the bloody laughing stock
throughout the bloody town”

We don’t charge Ladies, Youth, or Boys –
they use the pitch for free.
We won’t hold Discos – too much noise
and ‘bad publicity’

But never mind, some other fool
will subsidise the cost,
of surplus FA-sanctioned balls
which end up getting lost.

Someone else can man the bar
and re-paint all the stand.
I’ll criticise them from afar –
but I’ll not lend a hand.

Then, when our club’s completely broke,
and we’re in liquidation,
I’ll claim it was ‘the other bloke’
and his procrastination!