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How to Faff

by  Jeremiad1971

Posted: Monday, March 19, 2007
Word Count: 798
Summary: A ten point guide on faffing, an essential way of keeping sane in these time poor days

How to Faff

Faffing is the practise of hoovering time with pointless mini actions just as people are about to leave the house/proceed with a planned activity/board a train.

Task oriented progress is the faffer’s enemy. He or she must obstruct it.

Whilst no one who can stick rigidly to guidelines could ever be described as a fully-fledged faffer, the following should provide a useful starting block:

1. Adopt the body language of a faffer.

Subtly speed up your eye movements and generally dance your own internal jitterbug.

Think meerkat lacking biological imperative.

If society sees you as a faffer, it will help you become a faffer

2. Any time you are about to leave the house, do not allow the lack of beard and Alpine romper suit prevent you from performing an intricate Bavarian thigh slapping routine as you search for your money/keys/toothpicks.

The longest journey starts with the first slap.

3. Things should never be at hand.

Embrace multi-compartmented clothing and accessories. These will optimise your scope for faffing as, instead of one easy to reach container for your daily necessities, you will be able to disperse them in as wide an area as possible.

Ladies – purchase capacious, concertina-style handbags to ensure your mobile need never be answered again.

Gents – go for a multi zipped leather jacket in the style of Sid Snot to maximise cash card misplacement.

4. Develop self-questioning about the most mundane and unlikely domestic occurrences.

You should not be able to leave the house without considering the possibility the bathroom has non-colour-coordinated toilet roll.

5. Choice is your faffable friend

Although the Eskimos do not have a ludicrous amount of words for snow, you need to believe they do.

Place yourself in situations, preferably in a group, where, instead of the choice of tea or coffee, you have a variety of herbal flavours and brewing styles. This maximises faffing potential.

Ask the barista questions about milk temperature/Styrofoam rigidity/teaspoon bending to optimise queue-holding time.



This will betray the existence of a mind that still contains task-oriented thoughts. Nothing will more single you out as an amateur.

6. Change your conversational style to reflect your new muddled mindset.

Never give absolute answers and interject plenty of “ers”, “you knows” and general “ums”.

Your opening refrain should always be “Well, you see….”

If you don’t think it’s possible to faff in speech, tune into the BBC and watch the joke monologues of Ronnie Corbett or the interviews conducted by Garth Crooks.

These men are legends.

Study them.

7. Stay away from fellow faffers.

Faffing can become competitive and, when surrounded by Alpha-faffers, it is easy to revert to a linear thought process.

In these circumstances, you can find yourself issuing statements of intent and starting sentences with “Look, I think we should….”

Be warned: This is not the way sideways.

8. When selecting a mate, choose one who is organised.

Your goal should be the anti-faffer.

You will need someone who likes wall charts and calendars, not someone who deliberates over a can of beans.

This optimises your sex life.

Trust me.

If you are still not convinced, try to imagine the open Kama Sutra on the bed of Frank Spencer and Mavis Riley.

9. Choose your career and hobbies wisely as not all arenas are conducive to faffing.

Stay away from the world of medicine.

Photo-journalism is another no-no.

Far better is physical labour with its endless potential for arm stretching work avoidance. Or maybe become a librarian and faff about deciding which books to archive and which date stamp to re-ink.

10. Writing is a good activity for a faffer as, in the name of research, you can faff on the internet, stumble across sites such as, and then suddenly become distracted from your project and write less important, but probably more self knowing, pieces.


Patient friends
An over active imagination
A thick skin.

Selective hearing.
The love of accessories
The love of God


Looking for a Christmas present for the Faff King in your family???

Why not try the new Giant Swiss Army Knife???

These babies have a whopping 85 devices and are perfect for the faffer who enjoys outside pursuits /nail filing/ gauging tyre treads.

WARNING!!! People who purchase Swiss Army knives for known faffers can be prosecuted for crimes against humanity

WARNING!! Due to a multitude of inappropriate self-defence options, the Swiss Army knife may not be advisable for faffers who live with the threat of robbery. In most of these cases, the chortling mugger would be hotfooting away leaving the newly cash poor faffer’s head to hit the pavement just at the moment when he ejects the spring loaded needle pliers.