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The Barsteward

by  Someone returns

Posted: Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Word Count: 4267
Summary: Strange and wonderous random events from the Barsteward world




Content Warning
This piece and/or subsequent comments may contain strong language.






The Barstewards
Episode Script:
******************************

Episode: 1 (Pilot Episode)

Title: Come Again Please


_________________________________________________________

~*~
PRE-OPENING THEME
COMMERCIAL
~*~


INT: AT THE SEAGULL INN BAR 9.30AM
BARSTEWARD IS STOOD BESIDES ANTONY WHO LOUNGES WITH HIS HEAD RESTED ON THE PUB BAR


BARSTEWARD
Why do you do these stupid things Ant?


CUT TO A QUICK SHOT OF ANTONY'S BEDROOM WHERE WE SEE A VERY LARGE, UNATTRACTIVE OLD LADY ASLEEP IN HIS BED WITH LIPSTICK ALL OVER HER FACE AND A CIGERETTE STUCK UP HER NOSE. CUT BACK TO BARSTEWARD AND ANTONY AT THE BAR


ANTONY
The drink makes me do it!


CUT TO A FLASH BACK OF ANTONY THE NIGHT BEFORE


INT: NIGHT CLUB (NOT THE OLD SEAGULL INN) 22.30HR


ANTONY IS SITTING AT A BAR WITH A FULL PINT OF LAGER IN FRONT OF HIM.


ANTONY IS VISIBLY DRUNK WITH ROLLING EYES AND WEARING A VERY MERRY LOOK.


HE BEGINS TO CONCENTRATE VERY HARD ON THE DRINK IN FRONT OF HIM


CUT TO CLOSE UP ON PINT GLASS


CARTOON PINT GLASS
(ANIMATES)
Go on mate. Do it. Shag her!


ANTONY CONTINUES TO DRUNKENLY STARE AT HIS PINT GLASS, STARRY EYED BEFORE THE CAMERA CUTS BACK TO THE PINT GLASS


CARTOON PINT GLASS
Shag her!


CAM RAPIDLY CUTS ACROSS THE BAR AND STOPS ABRUPTLY AT A VERY LARGE BARMAID. SHE IS OLD, EXTREMELY OVER WEIGHT, UNPLEASANT LOOKING AND BADLY FASHIONED.


CUT BACK TO ANTONY WHILE THE VOICE OF THE PINT GLASS CAN STILL BE HEARD OUT OF SHOT

PINT GLASS
Shag her! Damn it! I’m telling ya, shag her! Or I’ll glass ya!


ANTONY GIVES A DOPEY SMILE AT THE BARMAID


BARMAID RETURNS SMILES WHILE SCRATCHING HERSELF


PINT GLASS
Shag her!
(VOICE FADES OUT AS CREDITS BEGIN)


CUT ABRUPTLY TO OPENING CREDITS:


~*~
OPENING THEME COMMERCIAL
~*~


INT: THE OLD SEAGULL INN. AT THE BAR. 11.30AM


BARSTEWARD AND ANTONY ARE SAT ON OPPOSITE SIDES OF THE BAR.


A VERY CHIRPY MAN RETURNS FROM THE TOILET, SITS DOWN AT HIS TABLE AND DRINKS A BOTTLE IN A VERY PLEASED WAY


BARSTEWARD
What's he looking so happy about?


ANTONY
Didn't you hear?


CUT TO OBSESSIVE COMPULSION DISORDER SCENE

INT: DOCTORS ROOM


DOCTOR (TO HUSBAND):
Sir, it seems your wife has what is called obsessive compulsion disorder. This is what causes her to feel she has to switch every light in the house on and off 5 times, due to the irrational fear of death if she doesn't. Basically your wife crazily believes bad things will happen unless she does something to stop it.


HUSBAND SLOWLY TURNS AND LOOKS AT HIS WIFE IN SHOCK


WIFE:
It's true
(WIFE BREAKS DOWN AND CRIES)


HUSBAND (TO DOCTOR):
Can it be cured?


DOCTOR:
I am afraid there is no cure


HUSBAND AGAIN TURNS SLOWLY TO WIFE


HUSBAND:
(BEGINS TALKING SLOWLY AND CAREFULLY)
You knowwwww…if you don't save sex with me five times a day you'll die!


WIFE STOPS CRYING AND LOOKS UP IN SHOCK



HUSBAND:
(CONTINUES AND QUICKLY DROPS IN)

And if there's no bum love

(PULLS A FROWN)

…The kids

(HUSBAND DRAWS HIS FINGER ACROSS HIS THROAT)



CUT TO A DRAMATIC CLOSE UP OF WIFE WITH SHOCKED EXPRESSION

CUT TO A DRAMATIC CLOSE UP OF DOCTOR WITH O.T.T SHOCK EXPRESSION

CUT TO HUSBAND LOOKING AT DOCTOR GIVING HIM THE THUMBS UP, LOOKING VERY PLEASED WITH HIMSELF

SCENE ENDS WITH DOCTOR LOOKING ON IN SHOCK


CUT BACK TO SCOTT AND ANTONY

INT. THE SEAGULL INN BAR. 1200 HRS

BARSTEWARD IS BUTTONING UP A LONG COAT BUT YOU DON'T SEE WHAT HE IS WEARING UNDERNEATH


BARSTEWARD
(FINISHES HIS PINT)
Right I'm off to work


ANTONY
See ya later


EXT: OUTSIDE SEAGULL INN. 1200HRS

BARSTEWARD LEAVES PUB

BARSTEWARD WALKS INTO A BUILDING THAT CLEARLY STATES IT IS HOLDING AN ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS MEETING.


CUT TO

INT: CHURCH. 1800HRS

WE SEE THE PRIEST IN CHURCH AT THE ALTER STARTING MASS

INSIDE THE CROWDED CHURCH THE PRIEST BEGINS HIS SERVICE


REV BRETT:
Amen
I would like to talk about people, that’s right, you and me. I look at the world and feel my heart fill with sorrow at what a cynical creation we have become


CUT TO JESUS CHRIST SITTING IN THE CHURCH LISTENING AND THOROUGHLY AGREEING


REV BRETT:
All of us need to find our faith again… we need to find Jesus again



JESUS
Here


THE PRIEST PAUSES FOR A SECOND, SLIGHTLY ANNOYED BUT CONTINUES UNFAZED

PRIEST:
What does mankind need to do to find Jesus?


JESUS
I am here my child


PRIEST:
SOD OFF! There's always one isn’t there.
I’m the son on God
(HE SAYS IN A MOCKING MANNER)
Fecking nutters!


PRIEST TWITCHES HIS HEAD AS A SIGN

TWO GIANT MIDDLE AGED, SKINHEAD ALTER BOYS (ACTING AS BOUNCERS) WADE THROUGH THE SEATING EITHER SIDE OF JESUS AND GRAB HIM AGGRESSIVELY

EVERYONE CHEERS BUT JESUS LOOKS SHOCKED AND SURPRISED

EXT: OUTSIDE CHURCH ENTRANCE

WE HEAR LOUD THUMPS AND SEE THE DOOR SHAKE, EVENTUALLY THE DOOR BURSTS OPEN AND WE SEE THE BOUNCER ALTER BOYS/MEN USING JESUS AS A RAM TO OPEN THE DOOR, THEN THEY THROW HIM OUT HARSHLY ONTO THE ROAD

JESUS SITS UP STUNNED FOR A SECOND BEFORE BEING HIT BY A VAN

EXT: CUT TO JESUS SITTING IN A CLOUDY PLACE (HEAVEN)


JESUS:
Oh well it could have been worse
(HE LOOKS AT HOLES IN HIS HANDS)


HITLER WALKS PAST (HE'S IN HEAVEN?)


HITLER
Oh you’re not still bitching about that are you!


CUT TO TWO PRIESTS SAT NEAR BY ON A CLOUD


PRIEST ONE:
Hey, there's Jesus, let’s go speak to him


PRIEST TWO:
Nay, never meet your heroes…you'll only be disappointed


PRIEST ONE LOOKS SURPRISED


CUT BACK TO THE SEAGULL INN PUB
INT:SEAGULL INN BAR. 1900HRS

ANTONY IS STOOD BEHIND THE BAR CLEANING GLASSES

A BARMAN ARRIVES FOR HIS SHIFT AT THE BAR, IT IS REV BRETT

REV BRETT
Barsteward not back yet?

ANTONY
No, he's still out working

CUT TO BARSTEWARD SAT AT A AA MEETING JUST LISTENING TO THE TRAGIC STORIES OF OTHERS

CUT BACK TO ANT AND BRETT

ANTONY
That remind me, I’ve got work to do for the pub too!


CUT TO

INT. THE OLD SEAGULL INN CELLAR


ANTONY SNEAKS DOWN TO THE CELLAR AND PLAYS ON HIS FLUTE AND OUT OF THE MOIST DARKNESS ASSEMBLE FOUR LITTLE MEN WHO LOOK LIKE BLANTANT RIP OFF’S OF GENE WILDERS WILLY WONKA UMPER LUMPERS.

ANTONY HAS SUMMONED THEM TO SEE IF THEY HAVE DONE HIS EVIL DEED


ANTONY
Is it done?

UMPER LUMPA #1
Yes, the landlord from the Red Lion won't be stealing any more customers from you Master


CUT TO FLASH BACKS OF THE UMPER LUMA'S EVIL SCHEME OF PUTTING THE RIVAL LANDLORD OUT OF BUSINESS.

INT. RED LION PUB. 2200HRS. PREVIOUS NIGHT



HERE WE SEE THE EVENT OF THE NIGHT BEFORE SHOWN IN A SUCCESSION OF STILL SNAP SHOTS.



FIRST WE SEE THE LANDLORD OF THE RED LION FINDING THE LITTLE UMPA LUMPAS DRESSED AS WOMEN TARTS VERY ATTRACTIVE (WHICH IS ABSURD BECAUSE THEY LOOK RIDICULOUS)


THEN WE SEE THEM ALL OVER HIM, WHILE ONE UMPA LUMPA CAN BE SEEN IN THE BACKGROUND DRUGGING HIS COLA.



THE LAST SHOT SHOWS THE GROUP IN THE RED LION WITH THE LANDLORD PASSED OUT DUE TO THE SPIKED DRINK AND THIS IS WHERE THE UMPA LUMPAS PUT THEIR PLAN INTO ACTION.



RETURN TO LIVE ACTION


THE UMPER LUMPERS BEGIN TO TAKE FAKE OBSCURE PICTURES WHILE HE IS UNCONSCIOUS. THEY PUT THE RIVAL LANDLORD IN A CAR WITH THE POLARISED PHOTOGRAPHS THEY HAVE TAKEN, DRENCH HIM IN BOOZE AND THEN DRIVE THE VEHICLE THROUGH A POLICE STATION WALL BEFORE VANISHING INTO THE SHADOWS OF THE NIGHT TO THE SOUNDS OF ANTONY'S FLUTE PLAYING.

A POLICE CHIEF LOOKS AT THE CAR THROUGH THE HOLE IN THE WALL AND SEEMS UNINTERESTED AS HE DRINKS HIS OWN LAGER AND FLIRTS WITH A PROZZY BUT THEN A PICTURE FALLS OUT OF THE CAR INTO HIS EYELINE. THE PICTURES MAKES IT LOOK LIKE THE LANDLORD IS HAVING SEX WITH ONE OF THE UMPA LUMPAS AND THE POLICE CHIEF SHOUTS ALARMINGLY


POLICE CHIEF
Sex with a midget, you sick bastard, you'll get years


SCENE CUTS BACK TO BAR WHERE ANTONY COMES BACK UP TO TALK TO BARMAN REV BRETT


INT. THE SEAGULL INN.1910 HRS


ANTONY
So how's you and ya bird then?

REV BRETT:
I'm just not happy any more with her mate

ANTONY
Well just dump her then

REV BRETT
Oh I can't do that, I think it would push her over the edge and then everyone would call me a right bastard. Oh I definitely can't kick her to the curb

ANTONY
Hmm
(THINKS)
Just dump her

REV BRETT
I just can't

ANTONY
O.K. … alwright, if you don't wanna feel guilty… well then I guess your gonna have to get Ronda to dump you

REV BRETT
WHAT?

ANTONY
Yeah, just do something you know she'll hate and get her to dump you…a nice decent girl like that…should be easy to find something she won't like

REV BRETT
(STROKES CHIN AND PONDERS)
Hmmm

CUT TO REV BRETT HOME
INT: HOUSE HALLWAY.

WE SEE A YOUNG WOMAN ARRIVING HOME, SHE IS PETITE, WEARS GLASSES, PLEASANT LOOKING IN A NICE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER KIND OF WAY


RONDA:
BERTIE
(NO ANSWER)
Brett! You in?


REV BRETT:
I'm in the bedroom


RONDA HANGS HER COAT UP AND PROCEEDS TO WALK UP THE STAIRS; UNAWARE OF WHATEVER REV BRETT HAS IN STORE FOR HER



INT: REV BRETT AND RONDAS BEDROOM


RONDA OPENS DOOR TO BEDROOM AND STOP DEAD, STARING ON IN SHOCK


CUT TO REV.BRETT STOOD NEXT TO BED WITH ONLY LITTLE BLACK LEATHER PANTS ON, A SPIKED PRIEST COLLAR AND A ZIPPED MASK. ON THE BED NEXT TO REV BRETT IS AN ASSORTMENT OF KINKY TOYS


REV BRETT DOES NOT REALLY KNOW WHAT TO SAY, HE IS DOING THIS TO FREAK RONDA OUT ENOUGH FOR HER TO DUMP HIM, SO STANDING IN THIS GEAR HE FEELS WEIRD ANYWAY AND JUST WAITS FOR HER REACTION


RONDA WALKS TOWARDS REV BRETT SLOWLY, NOT CHANGING HER EXPRESSION UNTIL SHE IS STOOD RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM AND SHE PICKS UP A PINK BAT WITH BIG SPIKES ON IT AND SMACKS IN ONTO HER OTHER HAND


RONDA:
Oh do you like that
BITCH!

CUT TO REV.BRETTS FACE, PARTICULARLY HIS WIDE SHOCKED EYES

REV BRETT
AY?

CUT BACK TO RONDA WHO IS NOW INSTANTLY DRESSED AS A LEATHER CLAD TEMPTRESS


RONDA:
NOW
(SMACKS SPIKED BAT AGAIN)
Put your balls in the vice


CAMERA ZOOMS INTO THE TV ON THE DRESSING CABINET SO WE CAN'T SEE WHAT HAPPENS BUT WE HEAR A SMACK, A CRUNCH AND BRETT SCREAMING IN PAIN.

NEXT SCENE FOLLOWS SEAMLESSLY ON FROM THE LAST

AFTER WE HEAR BRETTS YELP THE NEWS COMES ON THE TELEVISION



ASTONISHING EVENTS ARE UNFOLDING ON THE NEWS WHICH A NEWS READER IS EXPLAINING AS WE ARE SHOW FOOTAGE OF THE EVENTS OF THE DAY



NEWS READER ON TV
Pm Tony Blair, is still at large after claiming Kingship in the Houses of Commons. He has escaped with his cabinet rebels. After escaping Gordon Brown claimed to be the new PM due to Tony Blairs madness but everyone just told him to fuck off

We have an update that reveals that Tony Blair and his rebels have captured the Palace. It is also being reported that George Bush has labelled him a Tyrant and has decided to launch a shock and awe attack on the palace to rid the world of another absolute ruler…more on this later

AFTER THE NEWS FINISHES THE CAMERA ZOOMS OUT OF THE TV SCREEN INTO A DIFFERENT BEDROOM

INT: BEDROOM 2.

A YOUNG COUPLE GET READY FOR BED

MAN:
I hope I do well at this interview in the morning

WOMAN:
Oh you will darling; you've just had some bad luck

MAN:
Yeah, lets hope I don’t have anymore though

WOMAN:
Oh I’m sure you will do great and get that job but don't you go flirty with your new work floozies when you do

MAN:
Of course not


WOMAN:
I'm serious!

MAN LAUGHS AND GOES TO SLEEP


SCENE CUTS TO NEXT MORNING, SAME ROOM

THE MAN IS SAT ON THE END OF HIS BED, STILL UNDRESSED, FRANTICALLY TRYING TO PULL A WEDDING RING OFF OF HIS FINGER.



HIS HAND IS VERY FOCAL TO THE SHOT AND IT IS BEING HELD VIRTUALLY IN FRONT OF HIS HYSTERICAL FACE



MAN:
Why! Why did you glue a ring to my finger?



CUT TO SOBBING GIRLFRIEND THEN BACK TO MAN



MAN:
Now my hands are stuck together, argh! I've got the job interview to get to!

WOMAN:
I didn't want no power mad woman boss thinking she could take advantage of you

MAN:
We're not even engaged!
(HE SAYS STILL TUGGING AT RING)
We're never gonna be engaged!
(HE SAYS NASTILY)


WOMAN SOBS



CUT TO MANS FACE



HE SCREAMS AND RAISES HIS HANDS IN FRONT OF HIS FACE. ONE HAND IS BLOODY AND MISSING HIS WEDDING RING FINGER, WHICH THE OTHER HAND IS HOLDING.



HE LOOKS AT HIS DISMEMBERED FINGER AND SCREAMS AGAIN AND DROPS IT AFTER SHAKING IT UNSTUCK



CAMERA ZOOMS OUT TO SEE HIM STILL SITTING ON THE END OF HIS BED NAKED, AND HIS SUPER GLUED FINGER LANDS IN HIS LAP, SLIPPING INTO HIS UNDERPANTS, STICKING TO HIS PENIS. HE SCREAMS AGAIN



WOMAN SCREAMS. SHE GOES TO GRAB FINGER, SCENE FADES OUT AND YOU HEAR MAN SCREAM AGAIN

MAN
OH GAWD NOOOOOOO!

RIPPING SOUND

CUT TO THE SEAGULL PUB WHERE
INT: SEAGULL INN BAR. 21.30HRS

REV BRETT
Did that barman turn up for his interview?

ANTONY
No, and we’re expecting a busy night

REV BRETT
Well what is Barsteward doing?

ANTONY
Still working!

QUICKLY CUT TO BARSTWARD SAT AT AA MEETING
CUT BACK TO ANTONY AND REV BRETT
REV BRETT
So why are you expecting it to be so busy tonight?

ANTONY
Because it’s singles night



CUT TO LATER ON WHEN THE PUB IS FULL OF PEOPLE



A MAN IS SAT LOOKING MISERABLE AT A TABLE, HIS NAME IS VIRGIL



VIRGIL LOOKS AT ALL THE COUPLES GETTING IT ON AND THIS MAKES HIM SIGH WITH SADNESS



SUDDENLY HE PERKS UP. A ATTRACTIVE LADY APPROACHES HIM



WOMAN:
Hi, it’s a good night isn’t it?
(SHE SAYS IN AN OBVIOUS FLIRTATIOUS MANNER)



VIRGIL MAN LOOKS EXCITED BY THE PROSPECT OF THIS ATTRACTIVE LADY TAKING AN INTERESTED IN HIM AND MOVES CLOSER TO TAKE HIS CHANCE BUT…



SUDDENLY HE SEEMS TO GET A VERY NOTICABLE ERECTION, A BULGE APPEARS IN HIS PANTS BUT IT’S NOT WHAT YOU MAY THINK AND IT IS SOON SPEAKING



GAY PENIS:
No night is lovely when you have genital warts


WOMAN LOOKS DISGUSTED AND WALKS AWAY


VIRGIL:
(SHOUTS)
No, please don't go!

GAY PENIS:
(SHOUTS)
I'm still a virgin in fact.


THE WOMAN HAS OBVIOUSLY HAD ENOUGH OF THIS STRANGE MAN AND TROTS OFF, MUCH TO THE MANS ANGUISH, YET ANOTHER POTENTIAL CHANCE TO LOSE HIS VIRGINITY IS WALKING OUT OF HIS LIFE



MAN STANDS WITH HIS HEAD HUNG LOW WHEN SUDDENLY A VERY ATHLETIC, HANSOM YOUNG MAN DANCES PAST



GAY PENIS:
Look at the ass on that, phwoar!


THE MAN RAISES HIS ARMS TO THE HEAVENS AND SCREAMS



MAN:
I HAVE A GAY PENIS!!!!!!!!!


MAN RUNS OUT OFF OF THE DANCEFLOOR WAILING AS ANOTHER MAN RUNS ON



DRAMATICALLY AND THE MUSIC STOPS



SCARED MAN 1:
RUN, RUN, THE FAT WOMEN ARE COMING!!!!


EXT: OUTSIDE SEAGULL INN PUB




CUT TO THREE LARGE WOMEN OUTSIDE BOUNCING UP THE ROAD TOWARDS THE SEAGULL INN IN SLOW MOTION. ONE WOMAN LOOKS AT HER DIGITAL WATCH AND IT SAYS SAT 1.55AM



INT: SEAGULL INN PUB. 1.55AM



CUT BACK TO BAR WHERE WE SEE ALL THE YOUNG MEN SCREAM AND SCATTER IN DESPERATION TO THE EXITS, FIGHTING HARD TO GET OUT, DIVING OVER EACH OTHER AND THROUGH WINDOWS TO ESCAPE



AS THIS IS HAPPENING THE FAT WOMEN BURST THROUGH THE DOORS AND BEGIN TO ACT LIKE A PRIDE OF LIONS HUNTING THROUGH THE CROWD, SNARING ANY DRUNKEN SOUL THEY COME ACROSS



ONE VERY DRUNK MAN LOOKS AND THINKS HE IS SEEING A FINE, ATTRACTIVE LADY BUT AS CAMERA CUTS TO WIDER SCOPE WE SEE THAT HE HAS HIS BEER GOGGLE EYES ON AND REALLY HE IS LOOKING AT A FAT LADY MANHUNTER, AND THIS IS WHAT THE FAT WOMAN HUNTERS BANK ON



DRUNK MAN:
Hey..hey good looking (HIC)


FAT LADY HUNTER..1:
Hi boy

DRUNK MAN SMILES


FAT LADY MANHUNTER SMILES BACK


CUT TO DRUNK MAN WHOSE FACE TURNS TO A SHOCKED EXPRESSION AS HE LOOKS DOWNWARD AT HER STOMACH




CUT TO FAT LADIES STOMACH WHERE WE SEE AN EARLIER VICTIM EMERGE FROM HER FAT FOLDS WHERE HE HAS BECOME TRAPPED. HE SQUEEGEES HIS HEAD OUT AND SHOUTS DRAMATICALLY FOR THE NEXT VICTIM TO RUN, ESCAPE, QUICK!



DRUNK MAN REALISES THE WOMAN ISNT THIN AND SCREAMS IN HORROR AS HE RECOGNIZES THIS BUT IT IS TOO LATE





THE FAT LADY MANHUNTER JUMPS ON HER PREY LIKE A SUMO WRESTLER, TRAPS HIM BETWEEN HER GIANT BUM CHEEKS WHICH HANG DOWN FROM HER MICRO SKIRT AND STARTS RIPPING HIS CLOTHES OFF WHILST SCREAMING WILDLY LIKE A BANSHEE




CUT TO TWO OTHER FAT LADY MAN HUNTERS




WE THEN SEE TWO OTHER WOMEN WORKING AS A PAIR OF MAN PREDATORS, THROWING AND HITTING UNCONSCIOUS ALL THE NICE SKINNY WOMEN TO FLOOR AS THEY WADE THROUGH UNTIL THEY COME TO A DRUNK, VIRTUALLY COMATOSE YOUNG MAN SLOUCHED ON A CHAIR. THE YOUNG MAN IS VIRGIL WHO HAS BEEN DROWNING HIS SORROWS



CAMERA CUTS TO THE TWO FAT LADY MAN HUNTERS GET SLOWLY CLOSER TO HIM WITH THEIR WIGGLING FINGERS OUT STRETCHED (GETTING CLOSER AND CLOSER TO CAMERA LENS)



CUT TO VIRGIL WHO JUST PASSES OUT, ABOUT TO HELPLESSLY FALL VICTIM TO THEIR HORRIBLE DESIRES



CUT TO TWO FAT LADY MAN HUNTERS SMILING GLADLY



CUT BACK TO UNCONSCIOUS VIRGIL WHO SEEMS TO BE HELPLESS UNTIL SOMEONE COMES TO HIS RESCUE, HIS GAY PENIS. HE SUDDENLY GETS A LARGE ERECTION WHICH TWISTS AROUND (THE BULGE IN HIS PANTS) TO SEE ITS MASTER HELPLESS AND THEN TWISTS BACK TO SEE THE PENDING DANGER



ALL CLUB MUSIC CUTS OFF AND WE SEE ERECTION BULGE SHAKE IN FEAR AND THEN GIVES OFF A HIGH PITCH SHRIEK



CUT TO A FULL CAMERA VIEW WHERE WE CAN SEE LADIES AND VIRGIL IN SAME FRAME



VIRGILS GAY PENIS DECIDES NOT TO BE JUST AFRAID, HE MUST SAVE HIS MASTER AND SO WE SEE THE PENIS PULL THE MAN FORWARD AND UP



TWO WOMEN LOOK SHOCKED BUT DECIDE TO POUNCE BEFORE HE ESCAPES



GAY PENIS PULLS VIRGIL OUT OF WAY AND THE TWO LADIES CRASH TO THE FLOOR



PENIS THEN BOUNCES VIRGIL OFF OF ONE OF THE LADIES LARGE BELLY AND THROUGH A BIG WINDOW



CUT TO THE TWO FAT WOMEN SLAMMING THEIR FISTS ON THE FLOOR, SCREAMING ANGRILY


BEFORE SCENE ENDS WE SEE THE FIRST FAT LADY MAN HUNTER WHO CAUGHT HER PREY, WE SEE HER SMILING AS SHE STANDS HAVING A DRINK AND JUST AS SCENE FADES AWAY WE SEE HER PREYS HEAD EMERGE FROM HER BELLY FOLD SHOUTING FOR HELP



CUT TO ANTONY BEHIND THE BAR



REV BRETT COMES BACK FROM CHANGING A BARREL

REV BRETT
What’s happened here?

ANTONY
Oh just the usual

REV BRETT
Well this place is empty now!

ANTONY
Its okay, Barsteward’ll be back soon

REV BRETT
What is he up to?

CUT TO BARSTEWARD


INT: AA MEETING HALL


BARSTEWARD IS STILL SAT IN THE AA MEETING



A GROUP OF ALCOHOLICS ARE STILL SAT IN A CIRCLE, TAKING TURNS TO TELL THEIR TRAGIC TALES OF HOW ALCOHOL HAS RUINED THEIR LIVES. A DISTRAUGHT MAN FINISHES HIS STORY AND IT COMES TO SCOTT TO TELL HIS.



WE GET A TIGHT SHOT OF BARSTEWARDS FACE IN A VERY SOMBRE, SERIOUS MOOD AND IT APPEARS HE IS JUST ABOUT OF TELL HIS TALE OF WOE WHEN THE CAMERA QUICKLY ZOOMS OUT TO SHOW BARSTEWARD LEAPING UP ONTO HIS CHAIR, THROWING OFF HIS LONG COAT AND REVEALING HIM TO BE DRESSED AS THE PIPE PIPER.



BARSTEWARD BRANDISHES A MUSICAL PIPE



AS THE PIPE PIPER HE BEGINS PLAYING THE PIPE WONDERFULLY, HE PRANCES AND DANCES AND DRAMATICALLY MAKES HIS WAY TO THE DOOR.



SOON WE REALISE THAT TO THE TUNE OF HIS PIPE A CONGA LINE OF PEOPLE ARE FOLLOWING THE PIPER OUT OF THE DOOR, THE ALCOHOLICS FROM THE MEETING WHO WERE JUST TELLING US HOW BOOZE HAVE RUINED THEIR LIVES BEGIN TO DANCE MERRILY AND SKIP ALONG LIKE GIDDY CHILDREN AS THEY FOLLOW THE PIPER AND HIS MAGICAL TUNE



WE SEE THE CONGA LINE OF DRUNKS FOLLOWING THE BARSTEWARD MERRILY DOWN THE STREET AND AS THIS IS HAPPENING OTHER PEOPLE BEGIN TO JOIN IN, PEOPLE WHO REALLY SHOULDN'T



WE SEE A GROUP OF PEOPLE AT A FUNERAL ABOUT TO BURY A LOVED ONE, ALL VERY SAD WHEN THE COFFIN LID FLIPS OPEN AND A MAN JUMPS OUT AND PRANCES OFF TO JOIN THE LINE, THE PRIEST AND THE PAGE BOYS SOON FOLLOW



WE SEE A WOMAN HAVING A HOME BIRTH AND SHE IS JUST GIVING BIRTH WHEN THE BABY (A OBVIOUS DOLL TO ACHIEVE THIS PART) JUMPS OFF TO JOIN THE LINE AND THEN TOO THE HOUSE DOG (IMPORTANT THAT THE DOG IS SEEN FOR LATER SCENES)



WE SEE A CROSS IN THE MIDDLE OF A COUNCIL ESTATE WITH JESUS SURROUNDED BY ROMANS, WEEPERS AND THE OLD BOY RACER SEEING WHAT ALL THE FUSS IS. JESUS LOOKS UP AS A LIGHT BEAMS DOWN AND HE BEGINS TO ASCEND TO HEAVEN BUT AS SOON AS BARSTEWARD PASSES PLAYING HIS PIPE HE GOES 'OOOOH', HOPS OFF AND JOINS THE LINE



EXT: OUTSIDE THE SEAGULL INN PUB



ANTONY AND REV BRETT ARE DRINKING THEIR PINTS LOOKING AT THE STRANGE SIGHT OF THIS MEDIEVAL PIPE PIPER LEADING A GROUP OF DRUNKS TOWARDS THE PUB



BARSTEWARD A..K.A THE PIPE PIPER STOPS NEXT TO ANTONY AND BRETT BUT CONTINUES TO PLAY HIS PIPE WHICH IS LEADING ALL THE AA MEMBERS AND OTHERS INTO HIS BAR, ALL OF THEM STILL GIDDILY HAPPY, DANCING INTO HIS PUB TO HIS MAGIC TUNE.



WHEN THE LAST PERSON HAS VENTURED THROUGH THE PUB DOOR (THAT LAST PERSON BEING THE NEWBORN BABY AND HIS PET SMALL DOG) THE PIPER TURNS TO A SHOCKED LOOKING REV BRETT AND A UNSURPRISED LOOKING ANTONY



BARSTEWARD:
(VERY HAPPY AND EXCITED)
Great an' it!



REV BRETT:
Bloody'ell your gonna come unstuck one of these days with your 'clever' ideas to get new bums on seats

BARSTEWARD:
Aye! ……what's the worst that can happen?


CUT TO INSIDE THE PUB 5 MINUTES LATER

INT: INSIDE PUB



THE SCENE BEGINS WITH EVERYONE FIGHTING AND ANTONY AND REV BRETT ARE KNELT UNDERNEATH A BAR TABLE, SIPPING THEIR LAGER, WATCHING ALL THE EVENTS UNRAVEL AROUND THEM.



THEY LOOK OVER TO BARSTEWARD WHO IS BADLY BEATEN UP ON THE FLOOR AND LOOKS LIKE HE IS JUST COMING AROUND AND WAKING UP



BARSTEWARD STANDS UP AND AS THE CAMERA ROTATES AROUND HIM WE SEE THE MAYHEM OF THE DRUNKS RIPPING THE PLACE APART.



(THE FOLLOWING HAPPENS IN A QUICK, FLUID MOTION)



WE SEE A SMALL DOG THAT CAME IN SAT ON THE BAR WITH A PINT ON HIS HEAD, WHICH HE IS DRINKING FROM. SOMEONE GETS PUNCHED AND GOES FLYING INTO THE DOG, KNOCKING OVER THE SMALL CUTE DOGS PINT



CUT TO A CLOSE UP OF DOG, HIS EYES GLOW RED




CUT BACK OUT AND WE SEE THE DOG FLY AND ATTACK THE BIG FELLA IN AN OTT MANNER. THE MAN QUICKLY FALLS TO THE FLOOR, SPROUTING DRAMATIC BLOOD FROM HIS WOUNDS AND ANOTHER FIGHTER QUICKLY SEES THIS AND PULLS THE DOG OFF, THOUGH NOT TO HELP BUT TO USE THE DOG AS A WEAPON AND HOLDS IT OUT TO BITE ALL HIS VICTIMS



ONE OF THE MEN BEING CHASED BY THE DOG WEILDING BRUTE CLASPS HIS HANDS TOGETHER

CHASED MAN
Oh GOD please help me

SUDDENLY THERE IS A BRIGHT FLASH AND BEFORE THE MAN IS GOD


GOD:
MAN UNITED supporter!

GOD RIPS OPEN HIS ROBE TO REVEAL HIS RIVAL FOOTBALL SHIRT

GOD:
Your fucked sunshine

GOD KICKS THE POOR SOD IN THE GOOLIES, CAUSING THE YOUNG FELLOW TO KEEL OVER

GOD:
PILE ON!

EVERYONE IN THE FIGHT PILES ON



A GROUP OF POLICE OFFICERS PILE INTO THE CROWD AND BEGIN ARRESTING PEOPLE



CUT TO



INT: COURTROOM



SKETCH STARTS WITH A ONE OF THE FIGHTERS WHO WAS JUST PULLED OUT OF THE PUB, HE IS A VERY LARGE, HAIRY TATTOOED MAN BEING WHO HAS TO BE DRAGGED INTO COURT AS HE MAKES A NASTY MENACE OF HIMSELF, TAUNTING HIS GUARDS AND SHRUGGING ALONG, HE EVEN SNEERS AT WHAT IS OBVIOUSLY HIS GRIEVING VICTIMS RELATIVES



THE COURT IS ASKED TO REMAIN SILENT AS THE JUDGE PASSES SENTENCE



CUE JUDGE KEV WHO IS A OLD SENILE LOOKING PENSIONER



JUDGE KEV:
For the heinous crimes committed by you, Mr Mark Hittal on July 12th 2006 of murder in the first degree of Miss Brown, Miss Siian, Mr and Mrs Kelly, Master Young, and the rape of Miss Sarah Closes, Sally Wright and Margaret Sales (pause) plus the near death of Mr Bob (pause again) the (said quietly and almost inaudibly) Gimp / I sentence you to……………………….

CUT TO THE ACCUSED SNARLING, LOOKING TOTALLY UNBOTHERED BY WHAT HE WILL BE SENT DOWN FOR

JUDGE KEV:
I sentence you to ……..BE GINGER

CUT TO THE ACCUSED

THE ACCUSED:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!



THE GRIEVING RELATIVES JUMP UP WITH A ROAR OF DELIGHT AS IF THIS IS THE WORST SENTENCE HE COULD HAVE RECEIVED. THE COURT IS FULL OF APPLAUSE AS THE ACCUSED IS DRAGGED AWAY WAILING AND SCREAMING



CUT TO

INT. THE SEAGULL INN


BARSTEWARD JOINS ANTONY AND BRETT UNDER THE TABLE



BARSTEWARD:
Oh well back to the drawing board


EPISODE ONE ENDS

Written by Scott Evans