int. small room.

Black and Silence for 5 seconds

Sound of 'ping' and lift door closing. We hear the lift starting to move.

Lights flicker on to reveal the interior of a lift. There are 2 buttons marked by arrows 'up' and 'down'.
A young boy stands over a man lying face up on the lift floor.

The tubby boy is dressed in full Boy Scout uniform - his green shirt -covered in badges. In his hand he holds a clipboard and around his neck is a laminated card.
The man is tanned, in his late twenties and dressed in designer summer clothes; black shirt, white slacks & canvas shoes. This is JOHN.

The Boy Scout (BS) looks back and forth from his clipboard and at the man lying down. JOHN opens his eyes and adjusts to the light. Lying on the floor, he turns his head to calmly examine his surroundings.
He speaks to the boy in a well-spoken calm manner

JOHN
Hi. How you doing?

BS smiles, nods, and in thick cockney accent replies:-

Boy Scout
Sweet as a nut. You?

JOHN
Yeah, I'm good, I'm good

BS smiles to himself and to JOHN.

JOHN
Just one thing though... How can I - er - How can I put this. Do you know where, no, no, do you know what I'm doing… Lying on the floor… In a lift… with a Boy Scout?

BS, wearing a broad smile, looks squarely at the man and replies in his cockney, slow 'matter of fact' way.

Boy Scout
I'm an angel

JOHN smiles back at the boy and replies fondly.

JOHN
Yes, of course you are, of course you are. I can see that - your mum must really proud of you. However - Where are we?

Boy Scout
You have no idea do you?

JOHN, slightly taken aback by the question, pauses for while. He sits up to lean against the wall.

JOHN
No, no idea.
(Pause)
The last thing I remember is being on a yacht - off the coast of Cuba - No lifts, No scouts.

He looks at the boy and raises his eyebrows,

Boy Scout
So you don't remember being drunk, walking around... stumbling... falling off the side of the boat…… and drowning?

JOHN pauses to think. He starts to quietly laugh. BS, looking quite perturbed, responds.

Boy Scout
What you lafin at?

JOHN
You kids, what are you like eh? (points to clipboard) Is that my medical report you've got?
I knocked myself unconscious… I'm in a Cuban hospital… just come round, to find you - reading my medical details

JOHN now stands, stretches and makes his way towards the buttons. He presses them both.

John (sarcastically)
What are you doing in Cuba anyway? Earning your 'Stop the embargo' badge or something?

Boy Scout
We are not in Cuba

John
C’mon, Stop messing about, give me the report

Boy Scout
This ain’t your medical report. It’s your ‘life form’: it tells us angels everything about your life on earth.

John fold his arms, he jokes with the scout.

John
Oh really? Go on then, prove it!

BOY SCOUT
Would your medical report say what chat-up line you used on 'Joan Collins'?

BS reads from the form

BOY SCOUT (CONT’D)
'Do you know how much a Polar Bear weighs?'
(Pause)
'Neither do I, but it breaks the ice.'

BS rolls his eyes. John jumps up, - raising his voice.

JOHN
It bloody worked!

John thinks. After a pause he smiles towards the Scout.

John
I'm dreaming! While my living body lies on deck, you my little green friend, are just a figment of my imagination

BS shakes his head.
John, pointing at the scout.

John
Don't you shake your head at me

Boy Scout (sighing)
So lets get this straight - You're dreaming of being stuck in a lift with a Boy Scout

John's face changes. Sighing he slumps back to the floor.

John
No. No you're right.

Looking up at the boy, John points enthusiastically

John
Candid Camera?

Both John and the BS look around the lift.

John & BS (together)
No camera

John sits quietly in reflection. BS shows John his laminated pass. 'Angel' in big gold letters. John's face turns paler.

John (head in hands)
I can’t believe it. Am I really dead? I'm dead at thirty-two?

John stands to pace the lift.

John (continued)
No more parties?, no more dinners at the best restaurants?, no more Monte Carlo?, no more skiing?, no more…

Boy Scout
Ah,ta hell wiv ya, you're dead now, do yourself a favour and forget about all that other stuff

John
Champagne?,New York nightlife?, The wine?, The women?, The song? The trav…

John stops still and turns to the boy

John (continued)
Hold on one second, you didn't mean anything by 'Ta hell wiv ya' did you?

The Scout shuffles his feet and stares at the floor.

John (Concerned)
You are joking?

Boy Scout (gestures to clipboard)
I just go by wot it says ere

John
What. What does it say there?

Boy Scout (shuffles between his feet)
It says ‘ere - ‘you’re a ‘Scummer’ - “Hell - One Way”

John
A What?

Boy Scout
A ‘Scummer’ - I presume it means someone who is ‘scum’ (PAUSE)
It’s not all bad. You’re down here as a ‘very likeable scummer’.

John stands shocked. He calmly walks over to the boy, after a brief pause, he lunges and grabs the clipboard…

Boy Scout
Give that back, it's mine

John (sarcastically)
Or else?

BS shrugs and looks away. John reads silently, sighing occasionally. After a short while he reads out loud.

John
‘Minuses…’
John looks over to the scout, raising his eyebrows.

John
‘Thrown out of education for selling school property… Credit card fraud… Misleading Americans with bogus claims to royal lineage… Deceiving his way into thousands of parties uninvited, leading to the theft of large quantities of alcohol and nibbles…’

John pauses and turns to the BS.

John
Theft of nibbles?, That's a bit weak isn't it?

BS shrugs and John continues

John
‘Persistently & knowingly carried out immoral and unholy carnal acts of a sexual nature…’

John turns the page. As he does, he comments to the BS.

John
You make me sound like some kind of monster

John continues reading from the clipboard.

John
‘… with 213 women, one man and an unrecognizable inflatable device’

John stands routed to the spot, speechless. BS interrupts the silence, gesturing with his hands

Boy Scout
God sees all

John throws the clipboard at BS's feet. He points

John
LET ME TELL YOU - SUNNY JIM - HEAVEN, HAD BETTER HAVE SOME 'SHIT HOT' LAWYERS, BECAUSE THAT’S LIBEL.
Been with a man - LIES, LIES, LIES, LIES.

BS stoops to pick up the clipboard, he giggles under his breath

Boy Scout
Lawyers in heaven

John is still shouting about the ‘lies’. BS thumbs through the papers on the clipboard.

Boy Scout
Two years ago, New York fashion week?
The Channel wrap party? Chloe was actually post-op Arthur

John pauses to think. BS looks at John, sympathetically shaking his head, he purses his lips. John shows visible signs of terror. He goes a little pale and half whispers.

John
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooo
John takes the clipboard and reads the notes

John
I don't believe this. You've got it all here, every last sordid detail.

John looks up to catch the Boy Scout's smug grin.

John (continued)
How come they give you, a little Boy Scout angel, this?… It’s disgusting. I'm shocked that a little lad like you has to read this. What sort of organisation lets a twelve year old read this?

Boy Scout (Pauses)
I'm forty six

JOHN
What?

Boy Scout
I'm forty six

John stares down at the Boy Scout.

John (Shouting)
SHUT UP AND STOP MESSING WITH MY HEAD

BOY SCOUT (calmly)
No it’s true. I froze to death when I was thirteen. I was earning my hiking badge. I've been doing badges ever since. Thirty two years to be exact.

John
What the, what, do me a favour?
'Thirty two years of badges' I ask you

Boy Scout
Think that's bad, imagine thirty two years of 'Bob A Job'

The scout sits. John, shaking his head, continues to read the clipboard. (Pause)

John
Aha here we are - 'Pluses',
‘Kind and loving towards his mother’
(HOLDS UP CLIPBOARD) There you go. That's got to count for something?

Boy Scout
John - that's the easiest 'plus' in the book. Nearly everyone gets that. Everyone loves their mum, well, apart from child stars and the odd tennis player.

John looks back at the clipboard and continues.
John
'Frequently gave to the homeless and needy.* see notes'. What about that? That's got to score highly?

Boy Scout
Read the notes

John searches through the papers until finds the relevant section. He reads directly from the page.

John
‘Gave alcohol, drugs and cigarettes’.
Honestly, you try and help people out, give them the stuff they really want - and 'Balla Bing, Balla Boom'-hello Satan… Aaah.

… (searches for sympathy) … But why hell?

Boy Scout
John. It's all about balance. You've got more crosses than ticks. You've got more black marks than gold stars. More thumbs…

John (a little Agitated)
Yes, alright, alright. I get the picture.

Boy Scout
You took more than you gave.

John nods in disillusionment

Boy Scout
You didn't even repent for your sins.

John (Shouts)
WELL I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS GOING TO DIE, DID I?

John focuses back on the clipboard, turns to the last page.

John
‘Summary.’ 'John is a very likeable Scammer’… SCAMMER not SCUMMER you plank. I’m a very likeable SCAMMER. I’m gonna have a word about this, Angels who can’t read - what’s the world coming to?

John mumbles to himself and continues to read from the page.

JOHN (continued)
‘John is a very likeable Scammer, however, we believe his lifestyle was, in the majority, selfish. As such he must pay for his consequences by spending the rest of eternity in Hades'… And they stamped it with a big red 'H'. That's a nice touch, isn't it?

Pause.

The lift noise changes pitch.

Boy Scout
We're nearly there now

John
So what's hell like, then, anyway?

Boy Scout
Dunno, never been. Never been to heaven either. (Points to pass). Lift and Earth are the only places I'm permitted to go.

John
So what happens when we get to the bottom?

Boy Scout
We'll be met by one of Satan's minions. He'll take you through the last part of the journey.

John
'Satan minions’? Sounds charming. You know them do you?

Boy Scout
Different every time. As you might guess, they're not very nice. They scare me - I try not to talk to them.

John
mmm interesting… we nearly there?

Boy Scout
Yeah, any moment, can I have my clipboard back now?

John walks over to the Scout, calmly takes the pages out of the clipboard and stuffs them down his trousers. He rests his hand on the head of the scout. The scout looks uneasy.

Boy Scout
What you doing? Give 'em back!

Knocking off his cap, John suddenly makes a grab for the Scout's neck. As John and the Scout struggle, John grabs the string of the laminated pass, and pulls.

Boy Scout
You can't kill me, I'm an angel. I'm already dead, you twat!

John
(taking the Pass) Got it!

While the Scout lies on the floor breathing deeply and holding his neck, John reties the string and places it around his own neck. The scout sits on the floor still breathing heavily.

Boy Scout
You're mad

John
Maybe - but what have I got to lose… ? - 'eternity in Hades'
(pause)
Look, the way I see it, I'm doing you a favour. Thirty two years as a Boy Scout. I'd like to see 'Heronimus Bosh' paint that!

Fade to black.

INT. entrance to hell

‘PING’ There is a momentary pause until the lift doors open.

Bright red light, a man comes to the door. He wears a full SS Nazi officer uniform and stands silently by the lift.

John puts his hands over the mouth of the Scout. The Scout starts to struggle, John's hands muffle his shouts.

John
Got a right live one for you here
The Nazi Officer does not react.

John (continued)
Nice and evil for you.

Nazi
Evil?

John approaches the Nazi and lowers his voice.

John
Well, I don't want to tell you how to do your job or anything, but just look at him?

John and the Nazi turn and study the Scout.

John (continued)
The uniform? Just look at his uniform. Those evil shorts, the evil cap, the evil scarf. Look at his evil face, his evil hands, even his feet are evil.

The Scout breaks free. He breathes heavily and talks fast

Boy Scout
I'm not evil. I'm not. I'm an angel. That’s my pass he’s wearing. He's the one going to hell.

John starts 'tutting' and shaking his head. He approaches the Nazi Officer and whispers near his ear.

John
See those things on his arm?

The Nazi officer looks at the Scout’s badges

John
They're medals

Boy Scout
What?

Nazi Officer
Medals?

Boy Scout
It's not true

John
See the medal with the two sticks and flames? He got that for arson. The one with rope?

Nazi Officer
mmmm

John
Torture

NaZI OFFICER
Vhat about the one with the tent on it?

John
(a beat) … Camping

Boy Scout
He's lying. He's making it all up. I'm the good one, he's lying. He lies for a living

Nazi Officer
I've zeen enough

The Nazi Officer stretches out his hand towards the Scout

nazi Officer
COME!

Boy Scout
No, I won't, you've got it all wrong

John
You're not fooling anyone, now be a good little boy and go with the nice Nazi

The Nazi Officer corners the scout. He lifts the scout clean off his feet, and out the door. The Scout’s screams fade away.

Boy Scout
NO, NO YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG MAN. PUT ME DOWN…

On the buttons, John’s finger presses ‘up’. We hear the sound of 'ping'.

Fade to black.

INT. LIFT
John breathes a huge sigh of relief. The view fades to black.

We see John sitting on the lift floor, eyes closed. He replaces the pages in the clipboard. Fade to black.

John
You can do this… remember Cannes? Remember the MTV awards?…

Fade to black.

A sound of 'ping' is heard.

int. bright room.

A bright white light emanates from the outside. A middle-aged NUN enters the doorway. She wears an identical pass to John's.

Nun
Good day to you Sir

John
And a good day to you, Sister

There is an awkward pause as John steps out the lift.

Nun
Everything OK?

John (gives her the clipboard)
Everything is wonderful

Nun
Isn't it

We hear the sound of 'ping'

INT. WHITE MIST
John walks along the white corridor, taking off his ‘Angel Pass’. He picks up a harp lying on the floor. With the harp under his arm, he walks into white mist. He climbs something, surrounded by white mist.

int. stairs
John walks towards a queue. Studying it, he walks along it.

There is a large podium. An older man with an enormous beard stares down at a large book.
Behind the man are two huge 'pearly' gates.
They are closed. John sees the man talk to an elderly lady. The Man lifts his arm, and the gates open. He sees the lady pass through them.

John walks towards the podium. He smiles at the man and continues walking towards the now shut, gates. John patiently waits by the gates.

int. top of stairs.
The Man’s (PETER) voice is deep and calm.

PETER
Can I help you - Sir?
John gestures towards the gates. His tone reflects that of a man in control, but in hurry.

John
Of course. Yes, sorry I should explain. You see I was in there just now, and I popped out to get my special harp

John holds up the harp for the man to see.

John (continued)
I'm in the band you see.

PETER
Special harp? indeed.Tell me what is the name?

John, as cool as a cucumber, walks over the Man.
Leaning casually on the podium he lowers his voice.

John
‘Angels with dirty faces’

PETER
No, your name

John (innocently)
Oh, John Lang

PETER (looking through his book)
I don’t seem to have you here? Tell me, what do you remember? Do you remember how you died?

John
How I died? Yes that would help erm… perhaps I died whilst nursing lepers?

PETER
Hmm… no I don’t think so, there are no physical signs of death by illness.

John
That’s a good point. I should have thought of that. Do you think I am too young for a heart attack?

PETER
Well… did you smoke?

John
Smoke? Not me… No, no… Filthy, dirty, unholy habit

PETER
I am wondering how you managed to pass into the Kingdom of Heaven without me taking your name. To be honest I don’t recall your face.

John pauses to think

John
Please don't blame yourself. So many people, so many faces. It can't be easy for you. If it helps, I was with a party of monks.
(Pause)
Do you have an 'Industry' list?

PETER (baffled)
An 'Industry List?’

John
How about the monks. Do you remember the monks?

PETER
Young man, I see a lot of monks. Please think back, otherwise I think it might be best to send an angel back down to earth to do a little investigating on your behalf.

John searches his mind. Although desperate he remains calm. The Man moves to speak, John beats him to it.

John
Gandhi!

PETER
Gandhi?

John
I'm with Gandhi.(points to large book) You should have Gandhi + 1 there

John’s face radiates confidence. He looks into the Man's eyes

John
I'm the ‘+ 1’

PETER
But he came here over fifty years ago. Why are you here now?

John
(a beat) … I got better

PETER
It will take me many months to search back through the book of time to find his details.

He pauses. John is hopeful.

PETER (continued)
Such a great, great man

John
He is, He is. And a highly competent drummer too.

John lifts his finger, he has a solution to their mutual problem

John (continued)
How about I go in and find him? Bring him back here, - and he can vouch for me.

PETER
Well, I suppose… I'm not sure… I've never done this sort…

John
I'll tell you what, I'll leave my special harp with you, as a token of trust.

John rests the harp next to the podium.

John
I'll be a couple of minutes… I promise… Me and Gandhi… (pauses) What do you say?

The Man smiles.

PETER (STERN and SOLEMN)
Go and bring Gandhi

John
I'll be back before you know it.

The Man smiles warmly at John. He lifts his arm, and the gates begin to open. John looks at the Man and winks.
As John walks through the gates of heaven and into the bright light he reaches for his sunglasses. We see John disappear into the white mist of Heaven. Although we no longer can see him, the sound of his voice can be heard.

John
Elvis - surprised you got in.. ha ha.. you old hound dog. Ms Teresa?, why yes, I'd love a sausage-on-a-stick. Grace! Darling! Whoa.. who’s up for some angel dust?

THE END
Stuart Every © 2001