Lily
The whispering voices echoed around the corridors of her mind telling her things she didn’t want to hear. Holding up pictures of memories she didn’t want to see. She struggled to push them back to where they belong; trying to rebuild the crumbling walls she had worked so hard to erect to contain them. There was no denying it anymore, it was beginning again. It was like it had always been before, over the months the dreams had grown more frequent and the voices more insistent. Now they had taken over her consciousness completely.
Most things in this life she could handle but this robbed her of her strength. She could take it if, for example, the voices were of a psychotic nature, the pictures delusions. She would simple take some pills and poof, they would be gone. But no these voices and picture were no more than the things within her which had been suppressed, finally escaping to torment her. They pushed past her mental walls and began to call out, singing to her, lowly growling and snarling. She couldn’t quite catch the words but she could feel them.
And soon her head would become a war zone, her muscles would become twisted into tight knots, restful sleep would evade her. Then she would lose control all together and they would leak out into the world. It would be just like before…but much worse.
A voice, deep down inside her, told her that she already knew what had to be done. But she didn’t want to do that. She wouldn’t. She couldn’t. Things were different now, it was not an option. But the voice told her that she had been stupid to think it could be any other way. These things had never been meant for her. She had been fooling herself and now she had to pay the price. Worse, they had to pay the price for her foolishness. God help me, she moaned internally as her rational mind pulled her up.
She blinked, and blinked again, coming out of her mind back to the real world. Her eyes focused on the blur of light in front of her, the window frame penetrated her consciousness. Her eyes caught on how the paint of the ancient frames had chipped where the dew had settled at the base of the each glass pane. Her eyes scanned the outside world, her back yard grey and wind swept held cartoon bright figures. The children, she reminded herself.
They moved around in some unknown game, disappearing behind the old stone wall into the kitchen garden, and back into view before going through the gate into the stable yard. They must be trying to feed Bishop, she though vaguely. She had left the Shetland pony tied in the yard with the intention of giving the kids rides later in the afternoon.
Her mind was slowly waking up again, and she let her eyes drop to the row of three purple cups sitting on the counter top. She was holding the grey squares containing tea leafs between her thumb and fore finger, neatly poised to drop into the ceramic receptacles. The heavy cooper kettle hissed on the gas range a few feet away and she looked around absently to observe it. Her body moved as if the air was glue, her awakening mind was slowing her movements and delaying her reactions.
She needed a shake or something. She had often gone off into a waking dream as a child from which her grandmother would wake her with a gentle shake. She half wished for her grandmother now as she willed her fingers to drop the teabags. After a moments frustration she felt a slight jolt and as if by magic the glue disappeared. The tea bags dropped and she was lifting the reassure bulk of the kettle to pour the water into the cups.
“Well for a moment there I thoughts you were just going to stand there till me made it ourselves.” The indignant voice of one of her best friends rang out behind her.
“She’s probably tired.” the more understanding of her visitors put in.
“Don’t furnish her with excuses.” came the reply, “Hey, Lily, you bring the cups over now…in case you were wondering.”
Lily turned as she set the pot back on the ring and switched off the gas. Her eyes ran over her dear old friend, Karen Doran’s, expectant features complete with raised eyebrows then raised her right hand curling all but the middle finger back into her palm. Karen’s month fell into a silent ‘O’ her carefully plucked eye browns crashing into each other.
“Yeah fuck you too.” came the response as Lily turned back to add the milk to the waiting mugs. “Lovely way to treat your guests, after we came all this way.”
“Ah shut up’a ya face.” Lily called over her shoulder, adding three sugars to Karen’s tea before bringing it to her. “You’re tea your majesty.”
“About bloody time too.” Karen sipped her tea cautiously, “And would you believe it’s actually palatable.”
“I can make a cup of tea.” Lily rolled her eye to the heavens as she brought Kathy O’Malley her sugarless cup.
“Thank you.” Kathy smile up at her.
“Don’t thank her….”Karen instructed, “It’s over due by about ten years.”
“Hey, when was the last time you made the tea Misses?” Lily asked sitting herself down at the far end of the ‘island’ which inhabited the centre of her kitchen.
“That is besides’ the point. You just do it yourselves before I can offer.” Karen reached for the box of cigarettes sitting beside her, “You, Lily on the other hand refuse to make it.”
“I never remember you making me a cuppa ever.” Kathy added helpfully as she too light up. A cloud of smoke rose into the air of Lily’s precious country kitchen, filled with hand made cupboards and work tops lovingly installed by her husband working from her design. All made from the finest tree’s money could buy, funny that the wood was now surrounded by it’s favourite food but couldn’t do anything about it.
“That is merely the natural order of things.” Karen responded like royalty to a servant. Kathy glared at her.
“Yeah whatever.” Kathy stuck her tongue out and gave her the double finger salute.
Lily felt herself smile. They were infantile the lot of them. After all these years of friendship they still bitched over the pettiest of things. Someday they would be in some stuff old folks home waging war on each other across the dinning room and sucking from their oxygen tanks while the staff tried to stop them injuring each other.
“I guess it’s too much to hope for a bicy?” Kathy piped up after a moment of silence.
“Are you insane…the tea was a miracle in itself.” Karen exchanged a horrified look with the room at large. Lily leant down into one of the carefully placed sea grass baskets and pulled out a hidden packet of jaffa cakes and flung them at her head. “Ouch.”
“They’re Jaffa cakes they don’t hurt.” Kathy chastised picking up the dented box and forcing them open before retrieving several brown chocolaty disks.
“Bloody flying cardboard boxes with pointed edges hurt, bitch.” Karen reached across and snapped the biscuits from Kathy as she made to put them in her month. Kathy stared at her disgusted for a moment and then got herself some more.
“’bout time you had decent bicy’s.” Karen added popping a whole jaffa cake into her delicate little month in one go.
“And when was the last time we had jaffas in yours eh?” Lily asked reaching for the box, “not this side of the millennium any way.”
“That’s right I’m the only one who ever has good biscuits,” Kathy nodded smugly her cherub cheeks bulging.
“I have nice biscuits some times.” Karen defended.
“Not since….” Lily drifted off, deciding that it was possible that she was not ready to joke about that particular subject. Karen looked directly at her, her green-grey eyes narrowing, as she pushed a lock of black hair out of her face.
“You can say it…not since Shitbrick left…” she screwed her face into a squidgy pout as she imitated Lily.
“’tis true, “Lily said as she retracted her tongue, “ he used to make up a tray wif biscuits and all.”
“He only did that to get himself out of the room cause he hated you so much.” Karen returned matter of factly taking a long drag of her cigarette.
“Oh my god.” Lily clutched her chest, and tired to look distraught, “and I thought it was because he liked us.”
“Aye, I’m sure you’re devastated.” Karen pouted dryly.
“I don’t think I will ever get over being disliked by such a dick head of a man.” Lily gasped, looked tragically at Kathy until they couldn’t hold in the giggles any longer. Karen rolled her eyes and sighed as they fell about her, telling them it wasn’t funny.
This is what she needed, Lily thought drying her eyes, more giggles and light hearted banter. And more people in her life to distract her and much less time alone. She worked her arse off in the stables all day, mucking out, shinning tack, grooming and exercising the horse’s, just trying to fill the long hours of the day. She had a few lessons to give when she actually had company but mostly she just stabled the horses for owners who had no need of her help to ride them. She couldn’t even afford an assistant to keep her company.
She wrapped her rough fingers around her mug and lifted her cigarette from the ash tray absently. Maybe if she wasn’t so isolated …. She let the thought drift off. It would make no difference, the voice told her with out words, you know there is only one thing to do.
She looked up feeling Karen stare at her. She had obviously drifted off again. She took in her friends fine porcelain features, her dark hair swept back into a clip her pale pink lips pursed into a tiny kiss giving her the severe look of an old school marm. Lily watched her tilt her head forwards slightly in a gesture that cause her eyebrows to shoot upwards. What dose she want me to say?
“Wha’ you looking at bitch?” she asked instead screwing up her own features, “You startin?”
“m’on then.” Karen stuck out her jaw and gestured with her arms “I’ll kick yer arse Dothery.”
“In yer dreams Doran.” Lily stood up hamming up her threatening behaviour.
“Her name’s Lewis now.” Kathy said at the same time forcing both of them to turn and look at her.
“Fuck where did we get you from anyway.” they both stuck their tongues behind there bottom lip and rolled their eyes at each other.
“Sometimes I don’t know why I bother…” Kathy muttered rising to refill her cup, shaking her curls furiously.
“Anyhoo…what were you saying?” Lily asked pulling herself back up on her stool.
“Oh aye.” Karen’s features softened as she leant forward, “He actually wants to take his daughter for the weekend…he actually phoned to ask. I mean it’s been at good three weeks since he even asked about her and now he’s all over me to let him have her.”
“Crap on a stick.” Lily proclaimed.
“Gets better,” Karen paused for effect as Kathy sat back down, “He wants to take her to stay with his whore.”
“Asshole.” Kathy swore violently to herself.
“I hope you told him to go fuck himself.” Lily pronounced so violently her stool rocked.
“Aye but can I?” Karen crossed her legs and leant forward on her elbows, looking into the middle distance and absently fingering a discarded copy of ‘How to be a domestic …’, she noticed somebody had taken a pen and scored out the original word replacing it with ‘fuckwit’ in large angry letters. She lifted it up and raised an eyebrow at lily, “What would Nigella think?”
“That anybody can make fairy cakes…some of us just CAN’T.” She shook her head, “Anyway stop changing the subject.”
“Yes, what do you mean, ‘But can I?’” Kathy quizzed with a toss of her curls.
“August needs her dad,” Karen outlined, her eyes filled with righteous indignation, “I mean can I keep them apart?”
“Never mind seeing her. He can start by stumping up some cash to care for her.” Lily shook her head, “Kids don’t need parents dropping in and out of their life on whimsy…it’s confusing for them.”
“Fucking cock sucker.” Kathy exclaim in agreement causing them both to flinch.
It was not that either of them was offended by bad language but hearing such obscenities tripping from Kathy’s sweet heart shaped lips in her sugar tipped voice was just wrong. It felt somehow more offensive and crude, like when a child swears. But Kathy insisted in swearing like a sailor, despite pleas for her to tone it down. In fact the only person it didn’t seem to bother was her partner.
“I tell you what I don’t understand,” Karen informed the range, as she chewed her lip, “Is why now? What has peaked his interest in her now?”
“Maybe he just misses her?” Kathy tried hopefully, reverting to her ever optimist nature.
“I bet you, that this new woman he’s with, likes kids.” Lily countered cynically, “And he wants to use our Auggy to impress her.”
“August.” Karen glared at her, bearing her teeth, “and it’s an old one.”
“That explains it, past her best looking to be a surrogate to somebody else’s child,” Kathy nodded knowledgably, then cringed, “How old exactly?”
“Not old as in years, you dick.” Lily laughed, lifting her tea “Old as in from the past.”
“Oh.”
“Aye like she’s ninety, all wrinkly and saggy. That’s what gets him going these days,” Karen said after a moment, contorting her features and making a strangely creepy hand movement over her breast, “Oh young man.”
“You are disgusting.” Kathy groaned.
“Thank you.” Karen’s face broke into a large smile as she giggled to herself, spreading her arms wide as if embracing her millions of fans, while Lily began to mop up the tea that had just come spurting out of her month. Karen had become adept at timing her jokes to coincide with the moment lily tried to ingest some liquid. Once she had made beer explode into the face of a boy Lily had been very carefully chatting up for over an hour.
She got up to retrieve a dish cloth from beside the sink glancing out the window to check on the kids. Between them they had five in all. August was the oldest at 4 ¾ , closely followed by Kathy’s oldest Alex at 4 and ¼. Lily’s own son, Evan, was just about to turn 3, as was Kathy’s second, Suzie; they had been born only a week apart. The two girls were carefully walking along the kitchen garden wall, while two muddy bums was all she could see of the boys who were bent over something in the far end of the yard. Thank god Killiann, Kathy’s 16 month old was safely asleep in the spare room. Kathy was not big on mud, or walls.
Lily watched her son for a moment, he and Alex seemed engrossed in some unseen fascination. Their faces close as they talked in secret excited whispers. Alex was a lovely kid and Evan worshiped the older boy. He became completely hyper whenever she announced a forth coming visit, so much so that he would be unable to sleep. She had taken to not telling him till they were practically pulling into the drive. He had actually whooped with joy as they arrived that day. It did her heart good to see him playing with other kids.
“IS she behaving herself?” Karen asked joining her at the window.
“Seems to be.” they watched as August gestured emphatically to Suzie, no doubt trying to boss her around.
“Ahh my mini dictator for life.” her mother beamed.
“Are my two okay?” Kathy asked coming to stand behind them putting her hands on their shoulders, and sighed, “Oh good, plenty of muddy clothes.”
“It washes out.” Lily patted her hand as she turned away and went back to what she was doing.
“I mean really could you not live somewhere less Wild?” Kathy sat down and took fresh cigarette from her pack.
“She’s a great kid.” Karen said from her position by the window, “why does her dad have to be such a dick?”
“Well it was his dick got you interested in the first place…”
“Jesus Lily.” Karen scowled sitting herself down again.
“Well you’ve got to admit it does have a kind of ironic poetry about it,” she smiled beginning to make herself a cup of coffee. Cold tea was just not as nice once some of it had come out your nose. “So are you going to let him see her?”
“I have to.” Her friends shrugged, rubbing a pale hand across her shoulder blades, “I am the bigger person after all.”
They sat a moment contemplating this. It seemed so unfair that this man should be allowed to shatter her friend’s life to smithereens and then swan in and out of it as much as he liked because he fathered her child. She believed it was good for children to have both parents in their lives, but surely only if they were stable and reliable. All this erratic flitting about could only serve to mess up a kids head.
“Well at least he is being nice.” Karen piped up after a moment, “for small mercy’s eh?”
“Depends, you remember what happened last time he was nice.” Lily sat back down with her coffee.
“There was alcohol involved there.” Karen defended, “and a lot of frustration.”
“If you are frustrated, you get a vibrating friend. You do not hop into bed with you evil ex.”
“I just hope you are not frustrated now,” Kathy shivered, “The last thing you need is to complicate things.”
“Ah you two wouldn’t understand.” The defendant fumed, “I mean it’s been 6 or 7 months since I got any…whats the longest you’ve gone with out it lately?”
“There are plenty of people out there who would happily give you a good seeing too, “Lily gestured with her cup, sloshing the content onto the cuff of her jumper, “There is absolutely no need to go down that path again.”
“You wouldn’t understand.” She shook her head scowling, “It’s not just the sex.”
“What then?” Kathy wrinkled her smooth forehead looking slightly bruised by the bitchiness of the tone.
“There’s a connection there.”
“Which he served by walking out on you.” Kathy retorted forcefully.
“Well it’s not that simple…” Karen shook her head.
“I should be.” Lily joined in.
“This from the poster child for marriage.” she snapped back.
“Do you want to sleep with him again then?” the question hung in the air, the argument fizzing out around them dissipating into the smoke filled air. Karen shook her head slowly looking sadly from Lily to Kathy and back to the cook book.
“He knows me, he knows my body. He is the father of my child.” Her features took on a deep forlornness, “It’s just more appealing than starting out afresh with some stranger…it’s like a comfortable pair of shoes…”
“That give you blood blisters,” Kathy muttered quietly to herself.
“Yeah, well yes but the skins all hardened to it now, they don’t hurt so much anymore,” she signed deeply, “Like I say you guys wouldn’t understand.”
“No I get it.” Lily reached out and patted her friend’s hand, “It hard to break that bond.”
“Oh it’s more complicated than that… it’s about having something on him…and proving that I’m attractive…it’s like revenge but not.” she sighed, clenching her teeth so that her chin pushed out into a rounded point. After a moment of contemplation a smile suddenly broke out on her face “truthfully mostly it’s just sexual frustration.”
“I can relate.” Kathy nodded knowingly.
“Honey you get it 7 times a week at least…” Karen shook her head, “You’ll be buried in a y shaped coffin at this rate. You can not relate.”
“I do not get it every day…” Kathy gasped, “On the weekends sure but come Monday…nata…I could relate on a Monday.”
“One day...boohoo for you.”
“Well its all, fucking, relative,” Kathy shook her head sending off a cascade of Pre-Raphaelite ringlets, “Stop being such a cock sucking bitch.”
“Please stop swearing.” Lily cried, partly to break the rising tension, partly because the compulsion to tell Kathy off had grown to string. “It just sounds so wrong.”
“You swear all the time.”
“Aye but she can carry it off.” Karen informed her seriously.
“I can carry if off.”
“Like a nun can carry off pole dancing,” Lily rolled her eyes.
“A sexy nun could carry it off.”
“Well you’re not a sexy nun,” Karen informed her in a dead pan voice.
“Ben thinks it’s sexy,” Kathy glared at them. And they exchanged meaningful looks.
“That’s not the point,” Lily rolled her eyes, “hearing you curse is like watching those altar boys kneeling in front of priest. It may be acceptable but it is not comfortable.”
“What is with the all catholic references today?” Karen asked changing the subject.
Lily explained about how her mother in law insisted that they go to mass every Sunday. Her husband, James felt it was a small sacrifice to make and in the beginning it had been. Just lately though the woman had taken to asking Lily to accompany her most morning and Lily suspected her motive were not as innocent as just wanting company, as James believed.
The fact was that long before she married her son, Lily had a complicated relationship with Maud Lewis. Maud was her mother’s brother’s sister in law. She had been Lily’s mother best friend since the family had returned to Derry just before Lily’s fifth birthday. From the day and hour they met she and Maud had disliked each other. It was a cruel twist of fate, Lily had always felt, that she had ended up with her as a mother in law and one of the few people Lily knew in the lonely mid Ulster country side.
How a woman like that could have a son like James she would never know. Lily suspected he took mainly after his father, who had been a kind jolly sort of man. James father had always been very fond of her, his death some years back had been a real tragedy for everyone who knew him. James was forever telling stories of his father teaching him about farming and every one sounded like an idyllic picture of fatherly love.
James had always been one of her closest companion. They had been thrown together a lot over the years by their parents’ closeness, but it had been more than just that. They had kindred spirits; they probably would have ended up friends even with the vaguest of contact. But who would have guest she would have end up married to him, she thought.
“I get on really well with Ben’s mother,” Kathy mused, “We’ve a lot in common.”
“And that doesn’t bother you?” Karen asked and received a blank stare in return, “You know the whole Oedipus complex…Greek myth… killed his father married his mother????”
“That’s disgusting Kar.” Kathy’s face twisted angrily.
“I’m just saying.”
“Hold on…the suggestion of him having an Oedipus complex is disgusting, but you being a cradle snatcher that’s ok???” Lily widened her eyes in fake disbelief.
“I am not a cradle snatcher,” Came the wail of her predictable response, “he told me he was 18.”
“But you were 22 when he told you that,” lily retorted exchanging amused looked with Karen, it was just too easy. It was almost cruel.
“And how could you not tell he was 16 when you took him into you’re bed?” Karen shook her head.
“Humm” lily nodded in agreement.
“Stop it….are you two ever going to let this go?” she shook her head.
“It never gets old,” Lily gave into the bubbling giggles.
“Much like Ben….Hahaha.”
Kathy watched them with disgust, looking thoroughly pissed off with this running joke at her expense. Lily knew it was horrible, that she and Ben had been officially together about five years now, that he was a ripe old age of 22 but Kathy’s reaction was just too funny not to.
The fact was, that Ben was more mature than a lot of fellas. Maybe it was because he was the oldest in his family, or maybe because his dad was an alcoholic who had a temper. Either way he had stepped up to the mark when Kathy had landed on his door 6 months pregnant. At 17 he had given up school, got himself the best job he could find and started working his back side off. He was caring and responsible without any resentment and you had to respect him for that. She shared this thought with Kathy.
“Yeah he is such a good guy…” she smiled briefly.
“Oh come on you can have no complaints,” Karen scoffed, lifting the last jaffa cake and putting it into her month much to Lily’s disgust.
“ No, of course not…” Kathy sighed heavily, looking down at her hands as she twisted them in her lap. “He’s just you know all so practical.”
“and that’s a bad thing?”
“Hey Kar we listen to you.” Lily scowled and turned her attention back to Kathy who had straighten her back as if to steel herself but still would not raise her head.
“Well, I’m not saying it’s a bad thing,” she began in a small voice, “it’s just not very romantic…”
“Marriages never are love.” Karen told her sagely.
“But that’s just it, we’re not married.” She finally looked up like a petulant teenager making a point about the one thing they were sure they had a right to be annoyed about, “And after five years he still hasn’t purposed.”
“But you’re practically there anyway what difference does a ring make?” Lily shook her head lightly not really understanding were her friend was coming from.
“Well it’s not the ring it’s…” she faltered looking down at her hands again, “It’s the declaration of love.”
“You want him to want to show the world how much he loves you and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you in a big lavish romantic bash?” Lily felt her brow furrow as she grew slightly annoyed, “Why? To legitimise your children? You’re relationship?”
“YESS.” she yelped in her best childlike voice, “But also because by asking me to marry him he would be saying he wanted me…not just that he was willing to be the father of my children…but that even after they are grown up he still wants me to be with him. Just to make it more than just a practical arrangement for child rearing….”
“Oh don’t be so …”Lily growled with irritation, before Karen could finish her sympathetic understanding statement. “Ben adores you. He wanted to be with you before you got pregnant….have you forgotten that that’s the only reason you chose him because he happened to get you pregnant….”
“We can’t all have the luxury of finding our soul mate age 4 Lily.” She shouted back, “Some of us aren’t that lucky.”
“Lucky?” she felt the voice raising up…bursting to say what it had been trying to say to her all day.
“Yes Lily you are very luck.” Karen said matter of factly, “Not only is James gorgeous but he’s you’re best friend. You guys never really wanted anything but each other…don’t shake you’re head it’s true. You might have taken the long way round but here you are happily every after personified.”
“Is that right?” It clawed at her throat, telling her, whispering urgently to her that she knew the truth…to let it speak…she knew it was right…it wordlessly told her that it was inevitable.
“Yes lily.” Kathy told her in a soft baby voice, “You two are the template for the rest of us…”
“Well it’s a faulty template.” she decided to try it out see it the voice was right, “And it’ll probably be over soon.”
“OVER?” Karen demanded, “Why? What could possible be wrong.”
“NOTHING.” she shouted, “we have the perfect marriage…it’s like you said…it’s just a lie.”
“Jesus lily you can not be serious.” Karen shook her head, “Not this shite again.”
“It was never going to last.” she felt the voice say with her month, “we were just fooling herself.”
“And does James know you feel this way?” Karen demanded, slamming her fist down on the wooden worktop so that the cook book jumped. She shook her head unable to speak her answer.
“Can’t you talk to him about it…work through it?” Kathy asked in a shocked little voice abandoning her own lament in the light of Lily’s statement.
“Talking won’t do any good. Talking is what got us into this mess to begin with.” She signed deeply, letting the voice finish, “It was only ever a matter of time before it fell apart.”
Silence greeted her final statement and after a moment she looked up to gauge her friends’ reaction. She had expected them be more vocal in their disagreement with her, she had expected them to remind her of how now she was married she had no choice but to carry on. She wanted them to argue with this voice but instead they just stared at her in horror.
It took a moment for it to register, but eventually she realised their eyes were locked on something behind her. It might have been second or minuets or hours as it slowly dawned on her why they looked so perturbed. Her senses confirmed her suspicion as a breath of fresh air carried the musty scent of sawdust and sweat to her through the stale air of the room.
Her whole body tensed as awaited his reaction. The world seemed to suspend itself in between the intake and realise of that one breath. She felt him step towards her as the door to the utility room closed behind him with a gentle thud. He placed his hand on her neck, its warmth so familiar and welcome in the gentle act of greeting. He bent to her as she turned to look at him but he placed a gentle kiss on the top of her head before their eyes could meet. And then he stepped away, leaving behind the imprint of his touch and a gentle dread as she realised just how wrong that little voice had been.