THE BOY WHO WOULDN’T GO TO BED


GO TO BED BIFF HIS PARENTS CRIED
HAVE YOU SEEN THE TIME,
IT’S HALF PAST TWELVE
THERE’S SCHOOL IN THE MORNING

WHAT WILL HAPPEN IN MATHS IF YOU FALL ASLEEP
IN P.E. THEY’LL FIND YOU IN A HEAP
YOU’LL NEVER PASS YOUR ELEVEN PLUS
YOUR TEACHERS WILL MAKE SUCH A FUSS
MOST OF THEM CAN’T REMEMBER WHEN
THEY LAST SAW YOU HOLD A PEN.
IF ONLY THEY HELD LESSONS THROUGH THE NIGHT
THEN AT LEAST YOU MIGHT
GAIN SOME USEFUL INSIGHT

YOU ARE A CREATURE OF THE DARK
YOUR ONLY LIGHT AN ELECTRIC SPARK
WHICH BRINGS SOME HIDEOUS THING TO LIFE
SOME MONSTROUS TENTACLED BEAST
DREDGED UP FROM HELL AT THE VERY LEAST

PLEASE GO TO BED, SWITCH OFF THE GAME
FROM DOWNSTAIRS THE PLAINTIFF CRY IT CAME
OH WHY WON’T BIFF GO TO BED
HE HAS ONLY MONSTERS IN HIS HEAD
HIS EYES GLUED TO THE FLICKERING SCREEN
HE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT’S REAL
OR WHAT’S A DREAM

HIS PARENTS ARGUED THROUGH THE NIGHT
ABOUT WHO WAS WRONG AND WHO WAS RIGHT
WE’LL TAKE THE DAMN MACHINE AWAY
AND MAKE HIM GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY
LIKE NORMAL CHILDREN SAID HIS MUM
HOW COULD A WOMAN BE SO DUMB

WHATS NORMAL NOW SAID HIS FATHER
IS THAT MOST CHILDREN WOULD RATHER
SIT ALONE IN THEIR ROOM
LSITENING TO AN IPOD TUNE
OR PLAYING AN ENDLESS VIDEO GAME
WHERE NO ONE BATTLE IS THE SAME

I SUSPECT THAT THEY’LL ALL NEED GLASSES
AND NONE WILL GO TO ENGLISH CLASSES
SAID BIFF’S WORRIED MUM
CHEWING THE SKIN FROM OFF HER THUMB
AND AS FOR NEXT YEAR’S EXAM PASSES


THEY’LL’ ALL FAIL SAID BIFF’S DAD
BUT I WOULDN’T BE SO SAD
THESE OLD EXAMS HAVE HAD THEIR DAY
THEY DON’T TEACH YOU HOW TO PLAY
A PS2 OR NINTENDO
OR TEXT A MESSAGE WITH PAY AS YOU GO

THAT’S WHAT LIFE’S ABOUT MY DEAR
SO PUT AWAY YOUR FEAR
ITS JUST NOT TRUE BIFF’S MOTHER SIGHED
SURELY WE SHOULD HAVE SOME PRIDE
IN HOW WE TALK AND WHAT WE SAY
IN KNOWING THE ROAD TO MANDALAY

IN BEING ABLE TO REMEMBER
THE REASON FOR THE 5TH OF NOVEMBER
IN NOT JUST KNOWING EVERY ANSWER
THAT NURUYEV WAS A DANCER
OR THE CAPITAL OF ITALY
STARTS WITH R AND ENDS WITH E
AND IS TWENTY MINUTES FROM THE SEA

OR WHERE THE HIMALAYAS ARE
OR ANOTHER NAME FOR THE NORTH STAR
OR WHAT A POLAR BEAR LIKES TO EAT
AND THE COLOUR OF IT S FEET

AND THIS IS WHAT BIFF’S FATHER ROARED
IN TRUTH HE WAS FEELING RATHER BORED
WHO CAN PLUG IN A VCR?
WHO KNOWS HOW TO TEXT JUST WHERE WE ARE?
WHO KNOWS THE MEANING OF CONTROL/ALT/DELETE?
WHOSE CD RACK IS COMPULSIVELY NEAT?
WHO CAN BELCH SO LOUD AND LONG?
WHOSE STRUMMING ARM IS VERY STRONG?

BUT SURELY HE SHOULD SEE THE SUN
SAID HIS INCREASINGLY WORRIED MUM
YOU’RE RIGHT OF COURSE BIFF’S DAD SAID
WE’LL FIT SOME WHEELS TO HIS BED
THEN IN THE MORNING WHEN BIFF’S ASLEEP
BUSY COUNTING WOOLLY SHEEP
WE’LL PUSH HIM QUIETLY BACK TO CLASS
AND LEAVE HIM OUTSIDE ON THE GRASS

WHAT IF IT RAINS SAID BIFF’S MUM
IT’LL SERVE HIM RIGHT THE LAZY BUM