I stood at the window, looking out at the world before me. Looking at the same people watching to work, the same mothers taking their children to school, everything the same. But for me it was all different, my life would never be the same and I began to wonder if they knew. I began to think what if they were feeling the same, what if they could look in my eyes and see my pain, see the reflection of their own hurt in my eyes. It was calming to think that someone out there felt like me.

I turned from the window and took a deep breath, today was the day that made the fear in me rise. I looked over to the bed and saw the clothes laying like death before me, I wanted to jump into their blackness and let it engulf me, to eat me, to take all my fears and feelings.

The water was cold, like ice, it froze my body and took my breath away, I prayed for it never to return it. The water warmed and with it the hope of my heart warming was swept away in the current of loneliness. I knew when I stood at that window, when I looked into the blackness of those clothes and as I stood in the shower, naked and vunerable that I was in a new world now, a world where I may never be happy again, a world that was dark, cold and lonely. A world where I would always be searching for even a glimmer of sun light.