Upon the Roof

‘Up on the roof by the Drifters’. Lights come up. We see Jim pacing along a ledge. He seems agitated. Every so often he leans over the ledge and screams. The crowd below scream back. Nish, a college student, arrives on the scene.


Jim I’m gonna jump! AHHHH!

Crowd He’s gonna jump! AHHHH!

Jim Leave that there! Nobody move it or I’ll jump!

Crowd Leave it or he’ll jump!

Jim I will! AHHH!!!

Nish Ahhh!

Jim (Startled) Jesus!

Nish Shit. I forgot my fags. Do you smoke?

Jim Me? No I don’t.

Nish Never mind, fuck it. I’ll go back down and get them. No, you’ll probably jump before I get back. If I go and get my fags, could you wait ‘till I get back? Only I forgot them. I wont be long promise. I live in the building, it won’t take a second, I’d really appreciate it.

Jim Err…ok.

Nish You sure? You’re not just saying that to get rid of me and then you’re gonna jump off anyway and then I’ll miss it. That would be really out of order.

Jim No. I can wait.

Nish Cheers. Back in a minute.

Jim Hold on! Stay where you are. I know your game. Stay where you are. You nearly had me.

Nish What?

Jim Very clever.

Nish What you talking about?

Jim I know how this works. You’re a police negotiator aren’t you?

Nish (Laughs) Nice one.

Jim You are aren’t you. They’ve sent you to check out the scenario and now you’re gonna report back to them. Clever.

Nish Mate are you a bit thick in the head? I mean, I know you’re gonna chuck yourself of this building, but are you mental?

Jim Very clever.

Nish Do I look like a copper? Are you calling me a pig?

Jim You can’t fool me.

Nish (In his face) I live in the building you nob. I aint a cop, I’m a student. I got odd socks on.

Jim Yeah?

Nish Yeah. My mum said there was some nutter gonna chuck himself off the building so course I legged it up here, forgot my fags and I couldn’t find my other sock. So I got an odd pair on. But I thought you might have chucked yourself off before I got up here. But you’re still here. Good.

Jim Why are you/

Nish I, am a journalist.

Jim You’re a journalist?

Nish Are you deaf?!

Jim No.

Nish I’m a journalist. I’m at college and that.

Jim Oh, ok.

Nish Aint you impressed?

Jim Erm, yeah?

Nish I’m missing this Morning for this! They got Dumbledore on from Harry Potter.

Jim Isn’t he dead?

Nish The new one. He aint as good but he’s still good. Know what I mean?

Jim Yeah. I haven’t seen the latest one.

Nish Never mind. You should have seen it before you jump off. Gotta plan things aint ya? You’re not good at planning are ya?

Jim No, not really.

Nish See! I got a natural instinct for stuff. Gonna be a natural reporter. (Pulling out a pad) Right, sit down. (She sits on a box near the ledge). Sit down. I’m gonna interview you. (He sits on the ledge, ‘ohhhhh!’ From the crowd below). (To the crowd) He aint gonna jump! He’s gonna do an interview with me first! Sit over here. (She sits him on a box near her and returns to ledge) Hey Stacey! I got the scoop baby! Yeah! (Sits)

Jim I’m a scoop?

Nish Yeah. It’s journalist talk. So. Are you comfortable?

Jim Well, the wind is a bit/

Nish /Yeah, I’m not really bothered, that’s just what they tell us to say, you know for normal people.

Jim I’m normal.

Nish Yeah, right. What’s your name?

Jim Jim Baylis. I’m 22, an artist from Peckham.

Nish Have you done this before?

Jim No.

Nish Have you given anyone else an interview.

Jim No.

Nish Then, are you taking the fucking piss?

Jim No..I just thought, you know.

Nish Listen Jim. I’ll do the thinking, you do the jumping alright?

Jim Ok.

Nish I aint here to stop you. That would be a shit story wouldn’t it? Sexy young journalist stops suicidal spas-man. You gotta jump or it don’t work does it?

Jim No. What’s your name?

Nish Nish.

Jim I’ll wait if you want to get your fags?

Nish No, my mum’s down watching now. She don’t know I smoke. She’d be up here giving me a right clip if she saw me.

Jim Oh, ok.

Nish Bitch. Listen. Alright, Jim Baylis, 22, artist, Peckham, Is this the first time you‘ve jumped off a building

Jim Yes. I haven’t jumped yet though! (Laughs, Nish looks at him) I will though.

Nish Ever done a bungee jump?

Jim No.

Nish Parachute jump?

Jim No.

Nish Been on a big trampoline?

Jim No.

Nish Anyone in your family ever jumped off a building?

Jim No.

Nish Mates?

Jim No. I fell of a wall once. That was quite high.

Nish Thanks.

Jim So will this be in the paper?

Nish What?

Jim This interview will it be in the paper?

Nish Yeah, maybe. I was gonna use it for my course, but yeah, papers might pick it up. I could get some moolah. I’m too advanced for my class anyway, I got natural instincts, things they cant teach ya. Know what I mean. Like today, I knew something was gonna happen. Soon as Fern and Phillip started laughing when they were saying what was on. You know how they’re always laughing? But today was different, they started laughing well early, an I thought, something’s up. Then my mum comes in and she’s like “hey, hey there is a man on the roof gonna chuck himself off” and all that, and I thought, I knew that was gonna happen. I gotta gift. Stacey Baines, she’s my neighbour, but we aint mates. Believe me. She’s on my course as well, she well looks down on me but I’m like, slow up bitch, just ‘cos I gotta gift, I cant help it that I’m fit and clever and you just clever. She aint all that clever she just got like 11 GCSE’s and A levels an that. I tell her “Where you keep you’re Certificates bitch? In your arse? You big arsed bitch!” Wicked. (She is corpsing).

Jim Cool.

Nish Anyway. Think very carefully before my next question. Are you stupid?

Jim Erm..No?

Nish Now I’m not trying to stop you, but you’re jumping off a building.

Jim Yeah.

Nish And you’re not stupid.

Jim Yeah.

Nish Are you mental?

Jim Ha! No!

Nish Wait (scribbles away in book).

Jim What are you doing?

Nish Filling in. You got a scary laugh thing going on, so I’m making notes. Later I’ll be ‘Fleshing out the story’ It’s journalist talk.

Jim You know I’ve got it all here. (He produces an envelope).

Nish What?

Jim Why I’m doing it. Killing myself. It’s all in here.

Nish Give me that.

Jim Why?

Nish ‘Cos I need it for the story.

Jim I can tell you what’s in it.

Nish Yeah, and give it to me. I’ve got exclusive rights here.

Jim But it’s sealed.

Nish Yeah?

Jim And I need it to be on me when I…land.

Nish Mate, I don’t think it’ exactly a landing, know what I mean? More of a…Splatting. Now give it here.

Sally (Entering on a rope) Don’t do it! It’s not worth dying for!

Nish I’m in the middle of an interview here!

Sally Well, I really don’t think this is the time.

Nish He’s gonna jump, you can’t talk him out of it we’ve got an agreement.

Jim Have we?

Nish Yeah!

Jim Do you have any food?

Sally Yes! Have a frazzle (She tentatively goes towards him, as she does Lucy enters on the other end of the rope line, she is bitter, annoyed and smoking a fag).

Jim Thanks (He goes to eat one).

Sally You know, if you jump, you’ll never taste a frazzle again.

Jim (Pause) That’s not really a great reason to keep on living is it?

Sally It’s one of many. I have more! There are…there are…there are…there are people that love you.

Lucy Ha!

Nish (Pushing her aside) Yeah, great, whatever.

Jim Who are they?

Sally We’re Samaritans. We’re here to help.

Nish yeah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Give me the letter.

Jim No.

Nish Fine. (Takes Frazzles)

Sally My name is Sally, what is your name?

Jim Erm..Jim.

Sally Hello Jim.

Jim Hello Sally. (To Lucy) Who are you?

Lucy I’m Sally’s supervisor, Lucy.

Jim Supervisor?

Lucy Yes. This is her first time in the field.

Sally This is my first time but I am very well prepared.

Jim Oh. Good. Do you mind if I finish my interview?

Lucy Go ahead.

Sally Wouldn’t you rather?/

Lucy /are you going to jump?

Jim Yes.

Lucy Sure?

Jim Yes.

Lucy Well, do what you like then.

Nish Can I have a fag?

Lucy Sorry, last one.

Nish Aren’t you meant to have loads?

Lucy Why?

Nish To..you know..use them to calm people down and stuff. Stop them killing themselves.

Lucy By getting them addicted to smoking? I think that defeats the point a bit.

Jim Nish’s mum doesn’t know she smokes.

Nish Shut up Jimbo baggins.

Sally We’re here to help you Jim. Lucy and I are here to help you. Forget about being in the papers, let’s just talk.

Jim I’d quite like to be in the papers. That’s the whole point really. Anyway Nish is at college she’s not a proper journalist.

Lucy Great. Amateur night.

Nish What did you say? (To Jim) I’ll chuck you off myself! I’m a proper journalist. I’m leaving college. I’ll get this in the papers and then Stacey Baines can smell my pits. Sit down! Sit! Down! I got questions for you. I’m missing Dumbledore on Richard and Judy for this.

Sally Isn’t he dead?

Nish The new one.

Sally I haven’t seen the new one.

Jim Me neither.

Lucy It’s not as good as the book.

Jim I haven’t read the books.

Lucy They’re not that good.

Sally I like them.

Nish Shhh! SHHHH! Shhhhhhh! I have important questions! (Calms herself and sits opposite Jim) Are you gay?

Jim No!

Nish Bi?

Jim No!

Nish Curious?

Jim No. Why don’t I just tell you why I am killing myself?

Nish Oh! Ok Mr Know it All. Why don’t you tell us why you are killing yourself.

Sally Yes tell us. We can help you. Tell me why you think you’re killing yourself and I’ll tell you why you are killing yourself.

Nish Shutup.

Jim I’m an artist. Not a crazy, blood guts and spunk reactionary. I rent a studio and I do paintings and sculpture. I live on my own and/

Sally You live on your own? How awful! Don’t worry, we’re here now. We are your friends.

Lucy Very good Sally.

Nish We’re not his friends.

Sally Yes we are Jim.

Nish No. You’re just a bunch of wierdos up on my roof. Now I’m trying to get the Looney’s last thoughts and if you open your mouth again I will kick your spotty rump right off this roof ‘Sally no mates’, alright?

Lucy I’m not intervening. I’m just here to assess Sally.

Jim You’re being marked Sally?

Sally (Looks at Nish and nods).

Jim Well I think you’re doing great. (She smiles).

Lucy Oh please get on with it.

Nish Hey! I’m gonna/

Lucy /Oh grow up you annoying little bint. What’s going on Jimbo? What’s it all about?

Nish (Throws Frazzles at Lucy)

Lucy What’s that supposed to do?

Nish There’s more where that came from.

Sally I haven’t got any more.

Nish (Goes to smack Sally)

Jim It’s the Turner prize. I’m killing myself over the Turner prize.

Sally We covered this in training.

Jim Yes well. Nish do you know what the Turner Prize is?

Nish I aint thick Spaz. I been to the Tate modern on a trip and seen all that bullshit, bullshit.

Lucy An accurate description.

Jim Exactly. The Turner Prize is bullshit! Thirty Grand for putting your bed on display, or having a light bulb go on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off. Thirty grand plus TV appearances and commissions and so on, and it’s bullshit. A bunch of totally clueless up their own arse art ‘tsars’ or whatever they call themselves saying “Oh look a light bulb going on and off” and “Oh an unmade bed what an amazing concept to challenge the order of today’s global society.” Bullshit. They think “what’s going to provoke the most public response because that’s what art is for isn’t it? Provoking people. “Oh they don’t get it and they’re complaining that it’s stupid” means it’s served it’s purpose in provoking a debate about art. Bollocks! They know it’s shit, I know it’s shit it’s all shit! I paint and sculpt. I like to paint what I think people appreciate and admire, because it matters to me what people think. If it didn’t matter then what’s the point. Even the artists who say they don’t care what anyone thinks are lying because someone has to exhibit their work. And if no one likes it then no one’s going to see it.

Lucy So you’re going to kill yourself?

Jim So I’m going to kill myself.

Lucy In protest?

Jim Exactly.

Lucy Fair enough.

Jim They should be giving the money to good causes not someone who can make a light bulb go on and off.

Lucy True.

Nish You get thirty grand for a dirty bed? Man they should come round mine, my room must be worth a cool mill easy. It’s a pigsty.

Sally Couldn’t you just write a letter or protest in another way, There’s plenty of ways to get your message across.

Jim This is my message. Look. (He beckons them all to the ledge. Ohh from the crowd)

V/O There’s 4 of them! There’s 4 of them gonna jump!

Jim It’s alright! Only I’m jumping! (groans of ‘never mind/oh well’ from the crowd)

Nish What are we looking for?

Sally That big sheet down there?

Lucy It’s not a sheet. It’s a canvas isn’t it Jim?

Jim Exactly.

Nish What’s it for?

Sally Yes Jim. What’s it for?

Lucy It’s obvious isn’t it? Jim’s going to jump on the canvas.

Sally But you’ll die!

Jim Exactly.

Lucy What a marvellous idea.

Sally Killing yourself?

Jim Yes. This is my Turner prize entry. That canvas will soon be covered in squashed me. My blood will represent the blood spilt and lives around the world everyday whilst this ridiculous farce called contemporary art exists. That money could save five hundred children from starvation. That’s all it would take thirty grand, but we need a flashing light bulb instead, or half a shark in a tank?

Lucy Fuck it, I’m with you.

Sally But it’s so stupid!

Jim Exactly! People will realise how stupid this whole competition is and stop it. Give the money to people who need it.

Lucy I think it’s a great idea. Jim I have been a Samaritan for so long now that all I ever hear is doom and gloom, and ‘I feel sorry for myself’ and ‘I’ve had a hard life’ and I couldn’t give a flying fuck anymore to be quite honest with you, life is shit so get on with it. Sorry Sally, it’s your first day in the field but don’t worry you’ll get used to it. Such hope we all had when we started out, such dreams. Well bollocks. I think this is a marvellous way to die. Don’t let me stand in your way. (They all step away from the ledge and Jim begins to get ready to jump)

Nish What if you miss?

Jim What if I miss?

Nish Yeah. It’s not like you had a practice or anything.

Sally She’s right Jim. You might miss. There is a wind and it could blow you off course. It’s a very small piece of canvas.

Jim I’ve got a bigger one at home.

Nish Too late mate, you’ll have to chance it.

Sally You might land on those people.

Nish Hey! You better not land on my mum.

Jim Alright, ok, hold on a minute. (He tests the wind and moves to his left and looks at all of them. They shake their heads, he moves the other way)

Lucy Hold on. (She joins him on the ledge. Nish joins as well and they all move until he is in the right place). Best I can do.

Jim Thanks. Ok. (He gives the letter to Sally. Nish grabs it from her hand)

Nish Any last words?

Jim This is stupid

Sally Yes! Don’t do it!

Jim No Sally, those are my last words; “This is stupid”. (Prepares again)

Sally Wait! What if you win? What if you win the Turner prize? What if they say that this was the greatest piece of Modern art ever and immortalise your name? They might even change the name of it to the Jim Baylis Prize in honour of your achievement. You can’t do it! Not if you might win.

Jim Yeah, I hadn’t thought of that.

Lucy Very good Sally. What a quandary, isn’t life complicated.

Jim Shit.

Nish Whatdja mean shit? You gotta jump now! I’ve been up here with you from the start you owe me! I’ve made sacrifices bro. (she is on the ledge with him) You can do it. I believe in you. I need this story! If I don’t get this story then Stacey Baines is going to get better marks than me and she’ll just love that, and give me the look you know? Like I’m not as good as her? Come on! Do it for me!

Jim Sorry Nish.

Nish What if you missed. They couldn’t let you win if you missed could they?

Jim They’d probably love the irony and give it to me anyway.

Nish Shit! (Crowd Ohhh! Nisha’s mum shouts up “Nisha get down here now”) Oh great. Thanks a lot. (To Jim) I made sacrifices for you! (She exits).

Sally (Goes to the ledge) And she smokes!

Lucy Sally.

Sally Sorry.

Lucy Well done.



END