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If

by Brian Aird 

Posted: 19 January 2005
Word Count: 131


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If I were the rain, Id wipe away your tears
And teach you not to dwell on pointless fears
If I were the wind, Id blow away your pain
And show you how to love again
If I were an earthquake, Id topple all the lies
Built one upon the other to the skies
If I were a hurricane, Id gather all the hurtful words
And bury them with all the two-edged swords
If I were a volcano, Id stretch out my hand
And change the deserts into fertile land
If I were a tsunami Id show you how to give
To make amends and help our people live
But if I were a raging fire, Id burn every skin
Till each shade of yellow, brown, white and black is kin









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Comments by other Members



TheGodfather at 14:31 on 19 January 2005  Report this post
Brian,

The 'If' format works quite well with the various natural disasters which are going to teach us things. Nature and the power it has been given is amazing and overwhelming. It should teach us things. The last two lines are particularly powerful. Good work.

TheGodfather

joanie at 23:58 on 19 January 2005  Report this post
If If If..... Wouldn't it be great if we could get rid of the 'ifs' and just say, "I'll wipe away your tears", "I'll blow away your pain", etc.

Lovely, Brian.

joanie

jewelsx at 02:02 on 20 January 2005  Report this post
This is a really beautiful piece of work in respect to how it was written and the choice of content.

I loved the layout with every other line beginning with 'If' except for the second last line which really places an emphasis on the last and probably most important point of the poem.

Well done - on both the writing and construction

Julie



gard at 17:40 on 22 January 2005  Report this post
Hi Brian Aird

all of the above! A nice philosphical piece.

I guess my crit would be that the lines:


If I were an earthquake, Id topple all the lies
Ever built one upon the other to the skies


the second line seems forced compared to the rest of the piece. I think its a combination of the first 6 words and the syllable count but not sure..

G

Lawrenco at 08:25 on 23 January 2005  Report this post
I think it is a brave thing to use the "If" format ,what a beautiful romantic jesture to express it in such a natural way ,wonderful piece.

Brian Aird at 10:23 on 24 January 2005  Report this post
Thanks for the crit, Gina, I've removed 'Ever' - it scans better now.

Just for the record I wrote this feeling angry at the way war and racial strife continued in the region affected by the tsunami, despite the enormity of the tragedy and the unprecented world response. If a tsunami is not enough to crack heads together, what can?

My own crit of my poem is that I didn't work that anger into the piece with enough impact or deal with enough issues. War and strife are certainly not just about skin colour - so for me, the last line is a bit weak.

One day I'll write a poem that works the way I want!


Brian


gard at 11:56 on 24 January 2005  Report this post
Hi Brian

I agree totally, theres so much natural tragedy in the world, what the heck is going on with all the other stuff? It seems nothing makes us work together or care about our planet. It takes leaders to make that work, unfortunately given the current situation of leaders, (except Koffi..spelt wrong sorry), it seems to me things are not going to get better but quite possibly much worse.

The scan is better without the "even"..

Keep writing!!!


G


Mr B. at 19:05 on 24 January 2005  Report this post
I like the turning of such negative events into positive ones - it makes me respond to the poem in different ways. By keeping the piece simple you allow scope for me to analyse the ideas in my own way - a good, meditative piece.

Cheers,

Anthony


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