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Holy Shit

by rmol1950 

Posted: 24 February 2019
Word Count: 1018
Summary: A very rushed effort this afternoon to try and beat the deadline.


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‘Father Dermot, have you got time to hear my confession on this fine Saturday afternoon?’

‘I do Father Michael, I do. Shall we make it the usual fee?’

‘A pint of Guinness? That’ll be fine, but go easy on the penances will you. I thought fifty Hail Marys was a bit steep last time.’

‘Maybe Michael, maybe. But your confession about the widow O’Reilly didn’t quite match the Widow’s confession about you. Comforting her, were you now?

‘I was Dermot, but not fifty Hail Marys worth.’

'We’ll see, Michael, we’ll see. What do you think? Should we use the confessional box or should we make ourselves comfortable in the Sacristy?

‘The nice warm Sacristy sounds good to me. We’re not medieval monks flogging ourselves in penance, now are we Dermot?’

‘We most definitely are not, Michael. In fact, before we start, let me offer you a glass of the new sacramental wine. I promised the Bishop I would do occasional quality control. He’s worried the wine merchant has been giving us cheap protestant Australian plonk instead of the good catholic stuff from Italy. There. What do you think of that?’

‘That is a lovely drop Dermot….. Can I trouble you for another glass? I like to clear my pallet first and really taste the second glass.

‘I was reading, Michael, that you should sniff the wine, then gargle it on the back of your tongue to get the full bouquet and flavour. Like this.’

‘Jaysus, Dermot, what are you doing man? You’ll choke to death trying to drink wine like that. Come on, give over with the coughing and get on with my confession.’

‘Holy Mary look at my nice clean white surplice. All stained with wine. How will that look at Mass tomorrow morning?

‘Forgive me father for I have sinned.’

‘Hold your horses, Michael. Let me compose myself. Jaysus I’ve never known you this keen to confess. What have you been up to? How long has it been since your last confession?’

‘You know how long it’s been, Dermot. It was you who gave me absolution.’

‘And what do you wish to confess my son?’

‘All the usual stuff, Dermot. Except the Widow O’Reilly. She won’t have anything more to do with me. I can’t think why.’

‘And what else then, Michael? There must be something bothering you.’

‘Well, I heard the confession of the young O’Flanagan boy last week and he confessed to smoking marijuana. Fierce contrite he was too. Terrible feared his soul was lost to the evil drug demon. I told him I could only absolve him of his sin if he gave me his stash right then, to keep him out of temptation.’

‘So what do you want to confess Michael? I can’t see you have done anything wrong.’

‘Well, I smoked some of the weed he gave me! In fact I smoked it all. Purely for research purposes you understand, Dermot. I can’t council young boys unless I understand the risks and sins they are exposed too, can I? Then I ran into O’Flannagan on the street this morning and made him hand over his stash again. I had to remove him from temptation, Dermot. Can you not see that?’

‘And where is his stash now, Michael?’

‘It’s in my pocket Dermot.’

‘Then you have behaved in an exemplary fashion Michael, and saved the young man from himself. I grant you forgiveness for your sins. In the name of the father, and of the son and the etc etc.’

‘Can I have another glass of wine now Dermot? I get fierce thirsty doing all this talking.’

‘Of course. Let’s try this second bottle and make sure it’s as good as the first. And let me say I understand your need to research the effects of marijuana. I too am ignorant of its effects having only tried it once. Of course I didn’t inhale.’

‘Well we should maybe conduct a joint, forgive the pun, research project, Dermot.’

‘Michael I am hugely impressed by your ability to drink a glass of wine with one hand and roll a cigarette with the other.’

‘It might be an idea to open a window, Dermot. This stuff has a peculiar smell that might confuse people.’

‘And what, Michael, are the beneficial effects of marijuana?

‘There are various well documented medical benefits, Dermot. But mostly it brings out your spiritual side, enhances our understanding of God and the deep questions of life.’

‘And what are the bad effects?’

‘It can cause paranoia, so you need to try and not worry about anything when you are high.’

‘What would I be worried about, Michael?’

‘Well somebody might smell the smoke coming from the Sacristy. The police might find out. The Bishop might drop in unexpectedly. Any number of things really.’

‘Jaysus!’

‘Calm down Dermot. Everything is just dandy. Tell you what. I’m getting the munchies. Have you got any communion wafers handy. Listen, that’s nice. The bells are ringing.’

‘Jaysus! I just remembered the bell ringers are practicing this evening. And one of them is the local policeman. Jaysus! Jaysus! Jaysus!'

‘Take it easy Dermot. You’ll kill yourself with worrying. Nobody will know. Tell them the smell is a new type of incense. And don’t worry about your red eyes. Say it’s hay fever.’

‘Holy shit, Michael. Do my eyes look like yours? You look like the devil himself.’

‘Stop screaming Dermot. You will drown out the bell ringers.’

‘Sweet Jaysus. I’m finished when the press gets hold of this.’

‘Have a peek through the curtain, Dermot, and see what they are doing.’

‘Holy Mary Mother of God. The policeman is actually sniffing around.’

‘That’s not good Dermot but I have a plan. Lets get dressed in cassock and surplice. Then we put all the weed in the incense burner and calmly walk in procession down the aisle swinging that incense burner as hard as you can. Pretty soon nobody will care what the smell is and the bell ringing will sound great.’

‘Jaysus!’

‘That’s it Dermot. Keep that lovely smoke coming. Look, the policeman is smiling.’
 






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Comments by other Members



euclid at 17:01 on 24 February 2019  Report this post
A touch of the Oirish in this one, I think.

Council should be Counsel.

The devil himself should be the divil himself.

JJ

 

V`yonne at 17:40 on 24 February 2019  Report this post
Very funny laugh Bit Father Ted -- I could just imagine it all. Thanks for a great laugh this Sunday.

Bazz at 22:34 on 24 February 2019  Report this post
Rare to see a story driven entirely by dialogue, it works really well. Great pace and humour, love their little resolution at the end...!


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