Dalek Poetry Reading

A recent poetry evening, organised by Lenny Smith, a 37 year old Dalek was said to be a complete disaster. Smith, a peace loving Dalek, completely at odds with his comrades blamed a lack of love for Poetry amongst his friends for the show's disappointing turn-out.

As well as his monotonic speech pattern, limited poetic imagination, and subject matter, Smith was also scuppered by the stairs at the front of the stage.

An open mike event later in the evening saw Chewbacca reading of his unrequited love for Luke Skywalker, and Yoda reading out a Haiku which began in the middle.

Further events that have been scheduled include David Blunkett's evening of Dog Training, a cookery demonstration by Terry Wogan, and Jonathan Ross performing a one man version of Fawlty Towers.

Alistair Darling to make Monopoly Money legal Tender

In a bid to soften the effects of the Credit Crunch, Chancellor of the Exchequer, Alistair Darling is to make Monopoly Money legal tender.

Speaking to us earlier, the Sam the Bald Eagle of British Politics told us: 'Monopoly Money will be legal Tender from the beginning of December. We decided that we would allow this for the month of December to allow people to have a better Christmas. Of course, in January when the sales hit, we want people to pay with proper money'

Sales of Monopoly have said to be soaring since the news was released. Mr Smith, a famous stationer told us: 'We have seen a thousand fold increase in the sale of Monopoly over the past week. We are expecting a massive sale of them at the weekend, when the news becomes public. Monopoly is a good family game, and it is always popular around Christmas time. It costs around £15 now, but each set will be worth thousands in the New Year. In the shot term, it is excellent news for us, but after December 1st the economy will be f*****'

Children in Need News

Following previous years, where previously sober News reader and Weather People have dressed up in tights, dresses and suspenders for Children in Need, the practice is to banned for this year.

This follows the recent debacle involving Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand, as well Jeremy Clarkson for who denim is a life choice, not a style, controller of BBC1, a Mr Grimsdale is seeking to rein in any form of criticism that could be levelled at the BBC. Speaking to us earlier, he said:

'In a more innocent time, when belts were not so tight as they are now, the sight of Jeremy Vine, Jeremy Bowen, or Michael Burke in suspenders was a treat we all looked forward to, but not this year, I am afraid. We cannot haveanything that people could complaint about in the show anymore'

The BBC has already received 15 complaints about the fact that George Alagiah will not be seen in six inch heels this time around.

Ricky Gervais to star in Sesaeme Street

A famed Bafta winning writer is to appear alongside a number of strange characters on American TV.

Elmo, the beloved red monster star of Children's Favourite Sesaeme Street, and part time writer of The Wire is to share screen time with Ricky Gervais.

Gervais, famed for not being the tall one who wrote the Office and Extras said: 'There are something’s you just don't turn down'

It is understood that he will play a counting game with Elmo, discuss the economic climate with Sam the Bald Eagle and Oscar the Grouch, swap cookie recipes with the new slim-line Cookie Monster, and play hide and seek with Big Bird, who is to undergo a triple bypass operation in three weeks.

This appearance follows Gervais's writing and starring in an episode of the Simpsons. It is understood that Jonathan Ross has been asked to carry Gervais's bags.

Swingball

In a bid to reduce the cost of running the London Olympics in 2012, a number of new sports have been introduced, in order to replace the more expensive swimming, ice skating, and equastrian events.

Tony Blair, former Prime Minister is already in training and is favourite for winning the Tiddlywink events, whilst Tennis is to replaced by Swingball, with Tim Henman a favourite to win in these events.

Sports Minister John Prescott told us: 'With the Credit Crunch, and a recession we thought it better to hold of on a full Olympic Stadium, which would only be used once. Instead, we are building a number of fields in London, and that will be the sub-total of our efforts in 2012. We feel we are doing the country a favour. Besides which, before then the Conservatives will be in power, so we will leave the logistics to David Cameron. That will wipe the smug, self satisfied grin of his toffee-nosed face'

Youtube

Enterprising youths in Glasgow, with something interesting on a camcorder have decided against all logic, not to put it on Youtube.

Declan McWotsit, and his friends Barney and Alex had found a Unicorn who could speak three languages, whilst splitting the atom, and filmed it in action.

Declan said: 'We put other things on Youtube. Playing Guitar maybe, or Swingball, but nothing like this, it really is not that interesting. We find Unicorns in Glasgow all the time. They are a Native Species in this part of the country, so they are quite common. One speaking three languages whilst splitting the atom is rare, but it just shows that he applied himself. When I am older though, I want to be a world champion Swingball player. No-one except for me believes in my dream'