Satire - November 5th 2008
by 
Tigger23 ( 1440 )
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Posted: 05 November 2008 Word Count: 836 |
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Ricky Gervais Panics
Following the recent 'Manuelgate' scandals that have ripped through the BBC, another issue has raised its repugnant head.
Tubby comedian Ricky Gervais has nowhere to appear on TV on a rare Friday Night in, following the suspension of his good friend Jonathan Ross.
Ross, 55, told us: 'Ricky is always, always on my show. He is like Billy Connolly on Parkinson. When we have no good guests on, or someone drops out at the last minute, we could call on him, and he would regale us with his showbusiness tales, of how he knows Ben Stiller, and David Bowie appeared on his show. Now that my Tonight show will be missing from the schedules, Ricky will have to find somewhere else to go when he wants his ego stroking'
Following Ross's presentation of the Dad's Army 40th Anniversary celebration earlier in the year, he is now in talks to do a similar show for Fawlty Towers. However, we are not holding our breath on that one.
Brand...who?
Following his resignation from Oldies favourite station Radio 2, Russell Brand is in talks to play the new Dr Who, following the departure of David Tenant from the iconoclastic role.
Brand, known for his hair, and extreme thin-ness believes that the role is his for the taking. Apparently, he is in talks for a Dead Parrot to star alongside him, but it was felt that that would reveal the acting of Brand too much.
Jo Brand, no relation said: 'Russell would make an excellent Dr Who. I also felt he would make an excellent Panto Villian, and I believe he is in rehearsals in Rhyl as we speak'
A number of Panto villians are said to be up in arms about the news, well not Captain Hook, obviously, but you get the point.
Bush to present Film 2008
News has reached us that the new host for Film 2008, during Jonathan Ross's suspension will be the former American President George W Bush.
Speaking to us earlier Bush said: 'This offer has come just at the right time. Only yesterday I was asking my Laura what I could do now, and then the BBC phoned me up, and offered me this gig. Apparently, some bloke called Tony Blair, who I am supposed to know, like, personally recommended me for the job, he said I would be a natural. I am told that it is probably best for me to leave the country for a while. I won't have the same level of protection that I used to have'
Word has reached us that the first film Bush has to comment on is Oliver Stone's W. We wait to see what Bush will make of a film about his life.
Leicester Dust Museum shuts
Fans of dust in Leicester were today left bereft when the city's world famous dust museum shut for the last time.
The museum, which is said to contain the most valuable dust in the world in its vast collection is shutting due to a down-turn in its number of recent visitors.
Caretaker Fred Metcalfe told us: 'There was a time when we had 2, maybe 3 people coming through here a day, and that was a lot of work for Mavis and myself, but we have not a single visitor for three months. Mavis and I just sit in the main office drinking tea and eating biscuits. There was a time when it was Jaffa Cakes, and then Ginger-nuts, but now we have rich tea biscuits, and Tesco's brand digestives, that is how bad things have gotten'.
The Musuem, which has been open for more than 50 years, is said to contain dust from Queen Victoria, Albert Einstein, The Titanic, and some rare dust from the lost city of Atlantis. A lack of tourism has forced this museum to shut.
Mr Metcalfe went onto say: 'I am told that officially they have stock-takers and a curator coming in on Wednesday to help take the dust away, but Mavis and I each got an email on Tuesday asking if our hoover still worked'
Whinging
A man in Tunbridge Wells has said how happy the recent story about Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross made him.
'Oh, that was a good week, that was' said Mr Steve Tingy. 'Not only did I get to complain, I also had to wait in a queue on the phone to do so. It was so exciting I did it about 7 times a day for those 8 days. I don't know what the wife will say, but I had my fun then, I did'
Mr Tingy never buys a pint though. Neighbour Philip Getmegoat said: 'He's always complaing that man, always. He's always on that phone, complaining about something. And then he complains about the phone bill afterwards, and that is why he never buys a pint for anyone'
'Oh look, Jeremy Clarkson said something now. Where is my phone?' said Mr Tingy
as we left him to his life.
Following the recent 'Manuelgate' scandals that have ripped through the BBC, another issue has raised its repugnant head.
Tubby comedian Ricky Gervais has nowhere to appear on TV on a rare Friday Night in, following the suspension of his good friend Jonathan Ross.
Ross, 55, told us: 'Ricky is always, always on my show. He is like Billy Connolly on Parkinson. When we have no good guests on, or someone drops out at the last minute, we could call on him, and he would regale us with his showbusiness tales, of how he knows Ben Stiller, and David Bowie appeared on his show. Now that my Tonight show will be missing from the schedules, Ricky will have to find somewhere else to go when he wants his ego stroking'
Following Ross's presentation of the Dad's Army 40th Anniversary celebration earlier in the year, he is now in talks to do a similar show for Fawlty Towers. However, we are not holding our breath on that one.
Brand...who?
Following his resignation from Oldies favourite station Radio 2, Russell Brand is in talks to play the new Dr Who, following the departure of David Tenant from the iconoclastic role.
Brand, known for his hair, and extreme thin-ness believes that the role is his for the taking. Apparently, he is in talks for a Dead Parrot to star alongside him, but it was felt that that would reveal the acting of Brand too much.
Jo Brand, no relation said: 'Russell would make an excellent Dr Who. I also felt he would make an excellent Panto Villian, and I believe he is in rehearsals in Rhyl as we speak'
A number of Panto villians are said to be up in arms about the news, well not Captain Hook, obviously, but you get the point.
Bush to present Film 2008
News has reached us that the new host for Film 2008, during Jonathan Ross's suspension will be the former American President George W Bush.
Speaking to us earlier Bush said: 'This offer has come just at the right time. Only yesterday I was asking my Laura what I could do now, and then the BBC phoned me up, and offered me this gig. Apparently, some bloke called Tony Blair, who I am supposed to know, like, personally recommended me for the job, he said I would be a natural. I am told that it is probably best for me to leave the country for a while. I won't have the same level of protection that I used to have'
Word has reached us that the first film Bush has to comment on is Oliver Stone's W. We wait to see what Bush will make of a film about his life.
Leicester Dust Museum shuts
Fans of dust in Leicester were today left bereft when the city's world famous dust museum shut for the last time.
The museum, which is said to contain the most valuable dust in the world in its vast collection is shutting due to a down-turn in its number of recent visitors.
Caretaker Fred Metcalfe told us: 'There was a time when we had 2, maybe 3 people coming through here a day, and that was a lot of work for Mavis and myself, but we have not a single visitor for three months. Mavis and I just sit in the main office drinking tea and eating biscuits. There was a time when it was Jaffa Cakes, and then Ginger-nuts, but now we have rich tea biscuits, and Tesco's brand digestives, that is how bad things have gotten'.
The Musuem, which has been open for more than 50 years, is said to contain dust from Queen Victoria, Albert Einstein, The Titanic, and some rare dust from the lost city of Atlantis. A lack of tourism has forced this museum to shut.
Mr Metcalfe went onto say: 'I am told that officially they have stock-takers and a curator coming in on Wednesday to help take the dust away, but Mavis and I each got an email on Tuesday asking if our hoover still worked'
Whinging
A man in Tunbridge Wells has said how happy the recent story about Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross made him.
'Oh, that was a good week, that was' said Mr Steve Tingy. 'Not only did I get to complain, I also had to wait in a queue on the phone to do so. It was so exciting I did it about 7 times a day for those 8 days. I don't know what the wife will say, but I had my fun then, I did'
Mr Tingy never buys a pint though. Neighbour Philip Getmegoat said: 'He's always complaing that man, always. He's always on that phone, complaining about something. And then he complains about the phone bill afterwards, and that is why he never buys a pint for anyone'
'Oh look, Jeremy Clarkson said something now. Where is my phone?' said Mr Tingy
as we left him to his life.
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