Strawberry Flavoured Ketchup is not a big seller

News from Waitrose is that their brand new range of Strawberry Ketchup has been the slowest seller of all of the stores ranges. It is even slower than sales of Apple and Anchovie pie, which tests had proved would have been a big seller with better marketing.

Annie Oakley, from Waitrose’s Marketing Department told us: ‘It is quite a surprise, as we felt that this product, above all of the best should have been our biggest selling. We tried it out with Chips, with Bread, with everything that people associate with Tomato ketchup, and still no-one went for it. We had our best chefs, and our best minds working on it. Our range of Lemon Chutney sells really well, but clearly, there really is no market for Ketchup of any flavour other than Tomato’

Gordon Ramsey said: ‘It is just F****** stupid. It really is. What are you doing you stupid little S****’

Jamie Oliver commented: ‘Pucka. Lovely. Look at that. You can’t beat a bit of that, can you? Bish, bash, bosh, and away you go’

Whilst Nigella Lawson said: ‘Euuuu…… That sounds disgusting. I won’t be putting that in any of my recipes’

Red Grapes cause fight in Supermarket

A fight broke out in the Shepton Mallet branch of Tesco, following an argument over the last of the Red Grapes within the store.

Peter Thin, and Sonia Wafer had their eyes on the last bunch of Red Grapes when Sonia saw the metaphorical red mist. She relates the story to us: ‘I don’t really know what happened to me. One minute I was stood there, as calm as could be, just doing the last minute shopping, when I saw that bunch of grapes, and I just had to have them. Unfortunately, the aptly named Mr Thin saw them at the same time as I did, and I punched him. Even if I do say so myself, it was a very good left hook. I was very pleased with that. I am very determined, like, when I want something, I just go for it, regardless of the consequences’

Ms Wafer has been named in 8 Divorce proceedings, and a number of Police issues from the past decade relate to her still. Mr Thin, a real life inspiration to Roger Hargreaves famous cartoon character was not available for a comment.

Shopping Trolley with one working wheel

There was consternation in a London store today, when a shopping trolley was found to have only one working wheel.

Sally Allports-South from the unnamed shop, where everything costs £1 takes up the story for us: ‘Wayne, our trolley boy was wheeling this one trolley in for us. It is such a shame about Wayne. He is a lovely boy with three degrees to his name, but because of this blessed Credit Crunch this is the only job he has been able to get. He often keeps us entertained with his story and ideas, but they often just go over our heads. Anyway, he was wheeling in this trolley, and we realised that only one of the wheels was turning when he pushed it. The matter has been looked into as a matter of course, and Dwight, our maintenance man is fixing the trolley as we speak. It is just the second thing to have gone wrong this morning. One of carpet tiles keeps slipping. Honestly, sometimes I wonder when things will start to go the right way for us’.

Dog Fleas go to Cat for holiday

Mr and Mrs Smith, two fleas from Walthamstow have told all about their holiday plans for this year. Mr Smith, a small Flea, known locally for his outlandish ideas and plans said: ‘Me and the Mrs need a holiday. It is not easy being a flea you know. We are up at 6 every morning at the circus. There is not really that much of a career choice for Fleas. We really want to train at Salman Rushdie’s Flea Circus, but you have to be at the top of your game to get in there, so we are just training. No, we really fancied going something special this year, so we are heading over to Tiddles the Cat this afternoon. There is often a connecting flight every hour or so, we are going on Tuesday. We are just going for the week. We can afford that much. This Credit Crunch has an effect on everything you know’

Diane Jones, who has known the Smith’s for a while now told us: ‘Those two are up at the crack of dawn most days, working on their routines. It is quite impressive, but I have told them that if they don’t take the time of soon they never will’

Mr Jones told us: ‘We really wanted to go to Elephant this year, but we just cannot afford it, and the world is a big place for fleas wanting to make something of themselves’.

We wish them luck. Cat is known for a poor tolerance for Fleas, and may fleas die on holiday, due to changes in fur density, and the much more fastidious levels of Hygiene that Cats have when compared to Dogs.

Long Distance Clara arrested for Speeding

Pigeon Street’s beloved Long Distance Driver Clara has shocked many of her neighbour’s in the multi-cultural cartoon street, where she lives with Italian Chef Luigi, by being arrested for speeding, a move which could seriously damage her 30 year career in the haulage business.

‘It was just so stupid’ said Clara, trying to muffle the sound of her tears, unsuccessfully.
‘I wanted to get home for Emmerdale, my Luigi loves it, we bond over Emmerdale, Pasta, and a good bottle of wine, and I did not want to miss that. I don’t spend too much time at home, and now for that one moment of stupidity, my career could be ruined’.

Gerald was playing his Saxophone at the time, so we could not ask him any questions. Mr Magoo from the Pet Shop was busy looking for his escaped snake. Luigi said: ‘This is such a pity for my Clara. Although, luckily for me it looks like they still have to find the £1,000 worth of Cocaine that I trafficked the last time Clara had one of her trips’.

Rentaghost – The Serial Killer Thriller to be released in Cinemas on Friday

Timothy Claypole, the never funny court Jester in children’s sitcom Rentaghost is to be recast as a serial killer in the forthcoming film of the series that is being released on Friday.

Claypole will be played by heavyweight English Thespian Jeremy Irons, whilst the iconic role of Pantomime Horse Dobbin will be played by Brian Blessed and diminitative funnyman Ronnie Corbett. The film will also feature a small role for Scooby Doo, as well as a physic investigator, played by Val Kilmer.

The film’s director Richard Attenborough said: ‘This will bring out the depth of Rentaghost that was always missing from the anodyne TV version. It was always aimed at Kids, so that was fair. This version is much more like Shakespeare, with poetic, flowery language, and a charming serial killer. I feel that Jeremy has the right gravitas as Timothy Claypole’

Sue Nicholls, who now plays Audrey Roberts in Coronation Street said: ‘Well, it seems like a terrific idea, and like I always said, never trust a man who dresses as a Court Jester, when it is not actually his job. It is just a shame there is no room for me in the film, I would love to work with Brian Blessed. That would be a dream come true’.

Moomin Valley to be Flooded

News has just reached us that Environmental groups plan to stop Government efforts to flood fictional place, Moomin Valley, home of the Moomintrolls, lovable creatures from the past.

Moomins are very much like Hobbits, in that they don’t actually exist, and never have. Mr Robin Eunuch from the firm planning to flood the valley said: ‘Moomin needs a new reservoir. It built new houses on the last one, and while that was an oversight on our part, it leaves the planning committee with something of a quandry’

Mr Leaveit, from Protestors Against Flooding Moomin Valley said: ‘Yes, we have heard this all before. We have Science on our side. Now, we just have to wait for a Moomintroll to emerge, and we can protect it as a site of specific scientific interest’.

A Moomintroll was later seen emerging from a bar, with a gang of Hobbits, Gandalf, the Loch Ness Monster, Glenn Miller, Lord Lucan and Elvis Presley. If it was not true we would have to make it all up.

Heather Mills McCartney to be cast as Wicked Witch

In a surprise casting, Heather Mills McCartney has been cast as the Wicked Witch in a Pantomime in Rhyll.

The production, which stars Joe Pasquale as Buttons, Sonia as Cinderella, and the Grumbleweeds as every other character has sold out many of its tickets already, the much repeated Credit Crunch not being a factor in providing cheap entertainment for many people who never set foot inside a theatre at any other time of the year.

Theatre Manager Mr Bloggit said: ‘This is one of the strongest casts we have ever had in a Panto in Rhyll. Pasqualle, Mills McCartney, Sonia, and the Grumbleweeds. It is casting made in heaven. I just hope that we can get clearance for including ‘The Long and Winding Road’ or else we will have to ‘Get Back’ to the drawing board’

Monster Munch contains no Monster

Scientists in Minnesota have proven beyond almost all doubt that Monster Munch actually contains no Monster.

Mike Geek from the Institute of undeniable Facts said: ‘We thought Monster Munch contained Monster, or at least trace elements of them. No, though, they don’t, or at least we don’t think they do. We have no captive monsters with which to compare them, but we are roughly 99.9 per cent sure that there are no Monsters in Monster Munch. We were hoping to prove so many kids in England right, but sorry kids, add it to those other disappointments in life, like there being no Bacon in Frazzles crisp, and life not being like the movie. Believe you me, the meek don’t inherit the earth, good guys never come first, and none of this means anything’

We left Mr Geek to it, carrying on other experiments in order to validate his life and his experience.

‘It is felt that Monster Munch in Greek and Roman times contained Monsters, but when all of the monsters were slain, it was felt that the name and the brand was too well known to change it’ said a Man we asked on the Tube. It was Smarties tube, so we are not taking his opinion at face value.

Quavers Crisps fail musical test

In a similar breaking story, busy research scientist Mike Geek also revealed some other secrets about our food-stuffs.

‘You see’ he ranted to anyone within ear-shot ‘Quaver’s failed every musical test we gave them, except for the ones in crispness, and not moving. They failed to recognise pitches, lengths of notes, movements within music, the sound each instrument makes. They could not play any notes on a Piano. Even a Cat can manage to do that some of the time’

‘And don’t even get me started on Revels ‘They would not know how to have a good time if their lives depend on it, and in this case, they did. We wasted many a good bullet in that experiment. Still, at least we knew which ones were the Peanut ones, and which were the Raisin ones. It helped Nick out no end, with his Raisin allergy, I can tell you that for nothing, let me tell you’