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The falling man

by Brian Aird 

Posted: 17 May 2007
Word Count: 50
Summary: Not sure if this works....


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a dreamstate terrorgate open wide
a nightmare awake
and there’s nowhere to hide
hear mother martyrdom cry
children waiting to be born
are ready to die
bring out your gods to weep
an evil is unleashed
that will not sleep

I am the falling man
time to die
please...

stop






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Comments by other Members



V`yonne at 16:19 on 27 May 2007  Report this post
So this is like that semi dream state where you feel you are falling, beyond control, panic takes you and you want it to stop. But it is also about the evils over which we have no control such as terrorism and war.

If that is the case, this works.

I liked
a dreamstate terrorgate

and
hear mother martyrdom cry
children waiting to be born
are ready to die


I'm from N Ireland!!!!

The language is so pithy that the end "please stop" doesn't seem to carry that same weight. Yet I know what you are saying. May be if stop was on a line by itself to get that urgency across that it's killing you, killing us all.

Well, feel free to ignore. I may be spouting piffle here.
Oonah

PS Poets are a quiet lot. I get less reaction to poetry than to anything else. Are we too scared to comment?

Brian Aird at 18:58 on 27 May 2007  Report this post
Yeah, that ending isn't right; I know. I wrote it a long time ago and it'll have to wait until I either find an ending or I join it meccano style with another poem fragment. And I've got lots of those in my broken poem tin.

Thanks for commenting - you comment well actually; wanna be host?


Brian


Epona Love at 23:03 on 02 July 2007  Report this post
Hi Brian
I found myself instantly drawn to this poem because it reminded me of some poems I wrote years ago. Because of this it felt like a more universal comment about the state of mankind, not just the recent extremes, but a downward spiral.
I'm not as down on the human race these days! But this is beautifully done.
The last line? It's a difficult one... if it was me I'd probably go for something like "stop pushing please".

Great Emma x

Brian Aird at 07:14 on 03 July 2007  Report this post
Maybe the last line is elusive because as with everyone else, how our current troubles will end isn't known; but 'stop pushing please' is the best offer I've had so far!

Thanks for commenting


Brian

P.S. In one version I repeated the Line 'I am the falling man' throughout and ended with 'please stop' I just can't make up my mind about the impact of falling out of rhyme as a means of emphasising the inevitable end. History might encourage us to look for synergies....but where from? - it all looks so bleak....

Brian Aird at 07:19 on 03 July 2007  Report this post
Just thought of a cheesy ending, Blade Runner style. I'll leave you to recall Roy Batty's last line.


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