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The flame of love

by Brian Aird 

Posted: 10 February 2006
Word Count: 326


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Content Warning
This piece and/or subsequent comments may contain strong language.


Version 1

when you're not there
I see you everywhere

love is a flame never burnt

you're my summer and my sun
chain me to your love, you've won

love is a lesson never learnt

I crave no end to love
I wanted no beginning

there is no end to love

somewhere the bird's still sing
as if a summer's day could be frozen

but love lies dying

my bitter harvest
crying, crying

Version 2

Love's Dying Flame- the Pop Song

love is blind
and sees no fault
and how I love you
always, always, always
searing me, burning me
seeing you when you're not there
cleaving me to fragments
everywhere, everywhere, everywhere
you're my summer and I your sun
chain me to your love, you've won
I'll follow you anywhere
anywhere, anywhere, anywhere
touching you, feeling me
wanting you owning me
knowing, wishing, hoping,
nothing this right could be wrong
no-one else must ever care
holding you, smelling you
never to share, never to share
dreaming, dreaming, dreaming
somewhere the birds still sing
as if a summer's day
could ever be frozen
freezing, freezing, freezing
I crave no end to love
and wanted no beginning,
though, through it all,
sinning, sinning, sinning
pain bruises through
holds love in contempt
but I refuse even myself
knowing, knowing, knowing
I could no more give up on love
than life itself, for you are all I know
and all I have to show about me
fearing, fearing, fearing
love is poison for the soul
an illusion sending the self
in chains to be a slave
begging, begging, begging
only love me, love me only
yet I see your craving
for other love, new love, better love
craving, craving, craving
red blood still flows un-contented
but your fucking cannot warm
my bitter harvest crying,
crying, crying, crying
love is a flame never burnt
love is a lesson never learnt
there is no end to love
bit love lies dying







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Comments by other Members



paul53 [for I am he] at 13:40 on 10 February 2006  Report this post
Hi Brian,
I like the form of this. Simple and effective.

DJC at 16:02 on 10 February 2006  Report this post
I agree, the form is very effective, and the interplay between italics and, um, 'unitalics' (?) works well. The only prob I have with it is that it is a little bit cliched in places - I think that writing about love is absolutely the hardest thing in the world to do (which is why I tend not to do it - oh yes, and I am an old cynic as well). A stanza like

you're my summer and my sun
chain me to your love, you've won

reminds me too much of a pop song. I like the idea of being chained to love, but wonder whether it could be expressed in another way. However, there are some really powerful images, like 'my bitter harvest', which suggests to me that there is enough to this poem for it to be pruned a little, or some of the more 'obvious' imagery reworked.

D.

DJC at 16:18 on 17 February 2006  Report this post
Brian - I really like the energy in version 2, but feel you've lost something by getting rid of the italics. I do like the repetition, though.

One thing you may want to think about is something I recently read which has had a real impact on the way I look for rhyme in my work. It was suggested that an overuse of feminine rhyme (by that I mean rhyming on the last syllable of a polysyllabic word, such as 'crying', 'running' and 'swimming') can weaken the impact of a piece. If you look at the greats, they tend to use much more masculine rhyme, which means rhyming monosyllabic words such as 'run', 'sun' and 'fun'. Not sure why but it does seem to add more punch to rhyme.

Hope this helps.

Darren

gard at 13:59 on 26 February 2006  Report this post
HI BA

All of the above. I like the poem version better than the song version. I agree about writing about love.

On the other hand I think cliches or near cliche and simple words always work well in songs. Convulted concepts have no place in song right? Not that I am saying yors is cliched just replying to your own comments about it. So I think in that sense the song version works.

The poem has a fatalistic feel to it. Rather shakespearian perhaps..I guess if it were me (which it is not) I might be tempted to alter it to a sonnet?

I do think you have clinched the heights and depths of love here.

DJC's comment was interesting about rhyme

G

ccatherine at 20:05 on 18 March 2006  Report this post
Hi Brian

I think the poem worked much better than the song and perhaps needs a bit more thought that's all.

Cathy


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