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SuperTown

by Brian Aird 

Posted: 21 October 2005
Word Count: 145
Summary: This is intended to be read or spoken quickly. It's an exercise in end of line and inner rhyme. Note: Perhaps some town make-overs kept a bit of the old town, but many traders 'I'd got used to' either did go out of town or sold up... Comments on punctuation and forced rhyme welcome!


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Not just a town,
itís SuperTown!

Chain stores with low, low prices,
coffee galore and cakes in slices,
cheaperdom and coffeedom;
emporium galorium
They've got shops just for spices!

No more junk shops with too many books,
or dark alleys with too many crooks,
specshops and handyshops
quickmarts trendymarts
They've got nooks just for cooks!

Come harvest the bargain crop
Our all-season sales never stop
Try-it-on and take-it-back;
Shopperazzi Punterazzi
Come shop till you drop

Futurecity shoppercam stars,
browsing shelves or prowling bars,
security fame without-a-name;
iconi-deli consumer telly
They film us parking our cars!

No need to make yourself poor,
looking elsewhere for anything more,
consumerland and wonderland;
got-it-all luxurymall
This town has a superduperstore!

So don't even shed so much as a tear,
for the old ones no longer here,
familyrun and homelyspun;
know-your-name and always-the-same
They've gone out-of-town, or so I hear.






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Comments by other Members



joanie at 16:31 on 21 October 2005  Report this post
Hi Brian. My favourite lines are the fourth lines of each verse, especially made-up words! I think the pace and rhythm of this work well but on the last lines, I find that I am stumbling and losing the pace. I think that if it's spoken quickly, the metre has to be more certain, somehow.
I think it's better without the first two short lines, too.
eg.
Come harvest the great bargain crop
Our all-season sales never stop
Try-it-on and take-it-back;
Shopperazzi Punterazzi
Come and shop until you drop


Perhaps it's just me - hooked on metre - what do others think?

joanie




Brian Aird at 17:07 on 21 October 2005  Report this post
Its about feet right? Ta-Dum, Ta-Dum, Ta-Dum, Ta-Dum (four feet) for the first two lines and the last perhaps.
So taking the verse you chose, the last line should be 'Come in and shop until you drop' to make it four feet also.

But then the 2nd and 3rd lines aren't equal...(and try-it-on and take-it-back', rhymes weakly.) How about try-it-oners take-it-backers! (Ugh!)

Is meter symmetry essential?

I didn't know if a light-hearted piece needed to be too 'perfect'...

Brian



paul53 [for I am he] at 19:47 on 21 October 2005  Report this post
Being down in Dorset, our idea of a nice half-day out is to set off west, east or north [we tried south, but water came in the door cracks] and drop by every sizeable town to browse the charity shops. The trouble is, once we're back home again, I can't remember which town was Sherbourne and which was Blandford. Even down here in the sticks, they're fast becoming all much the same, as if being different is a modern-day faus-pax [or however it's spelled] and we all need our super-duper this and a starbucks.
Meanwhile back at the poem. A light and pleasant diversion, as well as awry commentary. Reminded me of Betjamen.

Laura Hunt at 15:48 on 23 October 2005  Report this post
Enjoyed it - but I'm with joanie on this one. I think light hearted pieces are perfect for strict metre - it's all part of the tum ti tum thing - it carries you along - cheerfully and with a smile.

Laura

Brian Aird at 14:17 on 24 October 2005  Report this post
I'll put this back in my work in progress pile and re-work. I'll post a new version in this group later.

Thanks for the comments. Now that I know meter is all with this, it deserves more effort. Not sure about losing the first two lines at the beginning, they set the pace and allow readers to know what comes is not too serious..


Brian

Laura Hunt at 16:58 on 24 October 2005  Report this post
Yes - keep the first 2 lines, they're redolent of a Town Crier!
oyez! oyez!
Laura


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